Re-read this thread, but pretend it was posted by someone else. What would your advice to them be?
This guy is nothing but trouble. You're still enough in the fog that you are trying to make excuses for him (he's ashamed, etc). He's a user and a manipulator and an abuser.
You can do SO much better!!!
Sheilds at maximum and warp speed away from this douche.
Edited for a typo...
[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 2:49 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
I also don't think I'm making excuses. I think I'm trying to understand so I can put it context so I can learn from this.
I did contact him again though to tell him to stand down and told him I was ashamed of his behavior and appalled that he thought any of this was ok. And that when he could I'd appreciate him paying me back as it would be the decent thing to do. He whined some but eventually realized that I'm not having a conversation with him, or even arguing with him, I'm merely saying it's over. It seems to have worked.
I'm in this weird mix of disappointed, relieved and numb. In many ways this guy was a fabulous fit for me and my life. But obviously this not a fit component is too huge to overlook. I'm relieved because it's resolved and any worry I had about being in a relationship with him goes away.
But, I feel body slammed. I'm just not in the position to meet men easily nor date for a long time before I move again and it's hard for me not to see my fate as cursed. Which leads me back into being angry about the reason why I'm a member of SI in the first place. As if no matter what I do, I'll never be free of the fallout of the A's and D.
Bleahh. Meh. Dammit.
I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down a different street.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:02 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
I'm not in any kind of fog whatsoever.
The day he says he has money to send, I'd like for him to be able to tell me.
I think you are in a fog, at least about the money.
I wouldn't hold your breath over the money. I know it royally sucks to lose it, but if that's the cost of not staying enmeshed...
It could have been worse if money is all you lost from this abuser.
Take good care of yourself. It's a process for all of us to find our way to a healthy fulfilling life after all the crap we've been through.
Self-compassion is key.
[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:35 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
I just read this thread. I'm so sorry to hear that.
This guy sounds like a classic Narcissist. All he cares is about himself and how he can manipulate you, and he will blow up when you go "off script" of what he expects you to do. He's charming for sure, he has to be, it's his job (i.e. that's how he gets his money/supply/etc).
As much as it hurts, consider yourself lucky you found out relatively early. It's worse the longer you're enmeshed with him.
Take care of yourself. Better not to get any money back than to risk being sucked in by someone like that. Chalk it up to a pricey lesson learned.
It is an abuse cycle. And they are fucking hard to see, and really hard to get out of when you are in one. I was in a verbally abusive relationship in college, my first serious boyfriend. It took 18 months for me to finally see him clearly.
Stay strong. Keep what he said to you in the forefront of your mind so you can have the strength to end it.
We are all here to support you. Look at this thread?? Look at the people who REALLY see you
You can do this.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Do you mind me asking (ballpark) how much this guy owes you? Because I don't think he's going to repay you. You might either want to just let it go and block him or go ahead and file small claims now.
It appears that what happened is we were talking about a tough subject and he says he heard me say "Yes, I want to break up with you" (with the implication that I want to do so because he's poor and has a health issue). I said no such thing. But because he has low self esteem about these two issues, he expects to hear it and so his brain told him he did. And then in his hurt he conducted his scorched earth policy that gives me no choice but to walk away. After all, it's not that I don't care, but I can't trust him. I can trust him to be faithful. But I can't trust him not to be a mean motherfucking asshole to me.
I don't think he's a narcissist, or an emotional abuser (as in his not trying to manipulate me). I think he truly believes he deserves shit, so he behaves in a way that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where shit is always what he gets. That, and he blames everyone but himself for his predicament. (Whereas in contrast, I always blame myself for everything that goes wrong and I try and fix it).
As for the money. If he's ever in the position to pay it back, he will. The rub really is that I doubt he'll ever be in the position to do so.
I'm sad today. Amazonia is right. The first break up after a D is harder. The D, as hard as it is, you feel a bit self righteous because well, it's so clear where the fault lies. But this new relationship had so much hope and overcoming the D built into it that this failure really hits at all of my insecurities (I'm old, I'm not girly enough, I have a career that makes me undesirable to men) and I feel hopeless. Like I'll always be alone and it's because there is something wrong with me. That I'm not lovable etc. and so on.
Damn. I'm very sad today. This really is just getting to be too much loneliness and pain to bear.
When I hear you say this:
I don't think he's a narcissist, or an emotional abuser (as in his not trying to manipulate me). I think he truly believes he deserves shit, so he behaves in a way that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where shit is always what he gets. That, and he blames everyone but himself for his predicament. (
Take good care of yourself, get a massage, ride a horse, visit good friends, ask someone to do your favorite hobby with you. Consciously work to get your mind off of him every day until the pain recedes.
If he's ever in the position to pay it back, he will. The rub really is that I doubt he'll ever be in the position to do so.
Presumably, he has your physical street address. If you relocate annually for work, then provide a second address of someone in your life who will always know your whereabouts. Then BLOCK him on social media. Block, block, block.
If you play with napalm, you will get burned.