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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I didn't even see this coming
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I'll be grateful for any and all advice or thoughts on the situation I now find myself in. I've discovered that my partner(Edit: Wife) of 8 years has been unfaithful for 3 of them. I don't know whether I can (or want to) trust her ever again or would even consider R.

It all began when I saw her in a bar with another guy when she was supposedly having after-work drinks 'with the girls'. I should point out that I hadn't followed her, it was merely coincidence. Until that point I trusted her completely. I confronted her the next day and was told that they were just friends.

By now I was suspicious and trying to find out what else she had lied about and then I found out from a mutual friend that she had been sleeping with a male colleague for almost 2 years (mostly during working hours). I needed to hear it straight from the horse's mouth so I asked our friend to threaten her saying that she should come clean to me about everything otherwise he would tell me. She chose to keep it from me knowing that he would tell me anyway. I then confronted her and she knew that she couldn't deny it so she admitted to the A.

She also admitted to a 'fling' with another male colleague - they went back to his place after a work function (but only kissed, nothing more). They then took an afternoon off work and went back to his place (but only kissed, nothing more...wtf?). I've also discovered that there was actually something going on between her and the guy I saw with her in the bar (she is adamant that it was not sexual but they kissed a couple of times and each time she pushed him away).

My gut instinct is to run a mile and never look back but my heart is telling me the exact opposite.

[This message edited by Credence at 1:43 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
fst86411
♂ Member
Member # 41644
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she isn't showing remorse, listen to your gut. Sorry that you are here and in this situation.


Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?


Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you have to be here. You mind is trying to help you survive. Your heart is still attached to someone who couldn't and wouldn't do this to you. That's not the wife you have discovered you have, unfortunately.

Please read the Healing Library in the upper left corner and especially the BS FAQS. Read other threads here and in the other forums to help you understand your situation.

Others will be along with more practical advice. Come here often-you will be supported.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Credence, welcome to SI. I am so so sorry you had to find us, but you will find a great deal of support whether you decide to reconcile or to move on with your life.

took an afternoon off work and went back to his place (but only kissed, nothing more...wtf?).

^^In my opinion, Credence, you do not have the full truth. Adults sneaking off to just kiss? Understand that cheaters lie and pretty much always try to minimize the truth. I don't believe you have the full truth. Most betrayed spouses/SO's did not get the full truth, it came out in what we call trickle truth...over a period of weeks or months or even years. Some here never got to the real truth.

I think you need to visualize where you and she will be in five years? Do you want to continue looking over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop? She has had three affairs that you know of. If you were my son, I'd advise you to run. But only you know what's best for you.

Trust can be restored...it will take YEARS...and only if SHE is willing to do the hard work. Are you willing to put that much effort into this relationship, it is extremely difficult even for those who are committed 200%. No easy button, no quick fix.

Good luck! Please read the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner!



Posts: 7524 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I would follow your gut instinct! I know the heart never wants to let go and clings on, but her behavior is habitual and she wouldn't even confess when she knew she was going to be exposed anyway.

At the very least don't try to fix things right now. Step back and see if she can do the work of fixing your relationship. That is HER work to do. NOT yours. If she doesn't deliver, show remorse, beg for forgiveness, become fully open...that's your answer. Move on without her and live a good life. If she doesn't want to lose you she'll catch up. But she is clearly selfish and must have a great deal of internalized justification over why she deserves to act in such an entitled way. It's not possible for you to get her to see how wrong she is.

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4158 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Credence

You are lucky in the sense that you "stumbled" in to catching her, and that you had a friend who was able to assist you in confronting her and bringing this thing out in the open. You still do not really know from what you have posted if you have the full knowledge of what is really going on. I would not make a decision at least before you find all of that out, however painful it may be.

I personally believe LTA is worse than doing something stupid like a drunken ONS. Not excusing that either but all of the lies over that period of time to me is worse than just the sex, which probably did happen.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

I would say that you do not have anywhere near the entire truth. These were all likely fully sexual affairs that prob have had an emotional component, esp the 2 year A.

Her words are meaningless now. Her actions will show you where her mind and heart are--is she being defensive when you ask her questions, throwing responsibility back onto you? Is she allowing you complete access to her email, social media sites, phones? Is she willing to enter counseling? Has she gone NC with all APs? If not, then read the 180 and start it. I won't sugar coat: It's really hard to keep up, but showing her that you are capable of living without her might snap her out of her fog. And if not, then you know where her priorities are and I would say run.

I know how hard it is to ignore her words when you're dealing with the shock and the incredible heartache. I was willing to accept my H's obvious bullshit for weeks because my mind was just not willing to accept what my gut was screaming.

READ! Start with The Healing Library. You are not alone, even though you feel like you are. Keep posting.

Sending you strength!


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 494 | Registered: Jan 2014
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so very much for your kind, supportive and wise words.

In my opinion, Credence, you do not have the full truth

Annb, I couldn't agree more. I don't believe for a second that they were sneaking off for anything non-sexual. They had clearly planned it in advance (booking time off work beforehand) so I asked her what she had expected to happen at his place. Her answer: 'I don't know'. I asked her if they had talked about going there to have sex. Her answer: 'Maybe, but it was never a given that anything would happen'. It is 100% clear in my mind that she went there with the intention of sleeping with him.

she wouldn't even confess when she knew she was going to be exposed anyway.

Norabird, I can't even put into words how difficult this is to comprehend. She had the opportunity to do the honourable thing and confess but chose to let me find out from someone else instead.

You still do not really know from what you have posted if you have the full knowledge of what is really going on. I would not make a decision at least before you find all of that out

Badhurt, you're correct, I don't know all of the ins and outs of what happened and I'm fairly certain that I never will. She is adamant that she has told me everything but I don't believe that she has so we're between a rock and a hard place.

If she isn't showing remorse, listen to your gut

fst86411, she appears remorseful but I don't know how to tell the difference between remorse and her feeling bad because she got caught. She played me for 3 years and I was oblivious so feigning remorse should be a walk in the park for her.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your gut instinct is right.
Get out of this asap!

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remorse would be her taking action to correct her errors. It sounds to me like she wants to be a cake eater. I would flee if I were you. There are no children correct? Take the pieces of you r heart, put them back together and find someone who can appreciate you.

((((Credence))))


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked her if they had talked about going there to have sex. Her answer: 'Maybe, but it was never a given that anything would happen'

First of all, what the hell kind of answer is maybe....to your question. Your question should get either a yes or no answer.

The WS can come up with the most stupid answers humanly possible and expect us to believe them.

Actually, after hearing so many partial truths in the last several years, "maybe" actually means yes. Ask what they discussed about having sex. Usually people dont discuss it, they just go and do it.

Has she ever told you WHY she has had 3 affairs in 7 years. There has to be a why, and I don't know from her is not good enough. There seems to be no consequences to her affairs.

She needs to dig down deep and find out the answers. The only reason answer to why so many other guys is that she has some childhood issues. Possibly was abused as a child.

Have you gently threatened her with taking a lie detector test and see how she reacts. You know she hasnt told you the truth. Sneaking off for the afternoon to kiss is of course also ridiculous, unless they are in 7th grade.


Posts: 3939 | Registered: Jun 2002
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her words are meaningless now. Her actions will show you where her mind and heart are--is she being defensive when you ask her questions, throwing responsibility back onto you? Is she allowing you complete access to her email, social media sites, phones? Is she willing to enter counseling?

She isn't being defensive and she isn't blaming me outright. She's accepted that it was her choice and she shouldn't have done what she did but it is clear that she feels that I did not pay enough attention to her and that is why she went looking for attention elsewhere. I, on the other hand, feel that she was just looking for a bit more excitement and maybe even a little danger.

She seems happy enough to give me access to her phone, email etc. but I know that she will cover her tracks as she has done in the past. After D-day I went on a major mission to find out everything I possibly could - it was only then that I realised how good she is at this. She had switched all of her bills to online billing only (cell phone, bank statements, credit card bills) so that there were no paper bills or statements that I might stumble across. She would delete all texts from these guys as soon as she'd read them and delete sent messages too. Her main method of communicating with them was her work email, never her personal one and she didn't call them from her cell phone. The only evidence that I could find was when she had called a taxi to fetch her after their liaisons. She now uses Whatsapp to communicate with friends so checking her cell bill would be futile.

Remorse would be her taking action to correct her errors. It sounds to me like she wants to be a cake eater. I would flee if I were you. There are no children correct?

I haven't seen much action to correct her errors. She clearly feels bad about the effect this has had on me but I can't tell if she is truly remorseful. We don't have any children, thankfully.

I instigated NC. I told her she needed to text the 2yr guy and tell him never to contact her again, which she did. I also told her she needed to delete their numbers from her phone. Turns out she did this for 2 of the 3 but kept the number of the 'bar guy' and also kept him on her Facebook. He is the most recent of the 3.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened in the bar when you confronted her. What was her reaction and did she leave with you or stay in the bar with her friend?

Posts: 3939 | Registered: Jun 2002
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both you and her need STD tests pronto. How could you ever trust her again.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've discovered that my partner of 8 years

Define "partner". Also how old are you, any children involved.

[This message edited by twisted at 3:36 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry your here.
You need to cut your losses and move on.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What happened in the bar when you confronted her. What was her reaction and did she leave with you or stay in the bar with her friend?
I didn't confront her there and then. I wanted to see if she would lie to my face so I waited until the next morning and then asked her about her night out with the girls and who was there etc. She lied, stitched herself right up and then couldn't deny it or talk her way out of it.

First of all, what the hell kind of answer is maybe....to your question. Your question should get either a yes or no answer.
The WS can come up with the most stupid answers humanly possible and expect us to believe them.

Actually, after hearing so many partial truths in the last several years, "maybe" actually means yes. Ask what they discussed about having sex. Usually people dont discuss it, they just go and do it.

That was my response 'what the hell kinda answer is maybe?' You're right, when she says 'maybe' she means yes! It wasn't so much about discussing having sex, it was more about suggestive emails. I was trying to get her to admit that she had gone there for the sole purpose of having sex with him. She too has come up with some stupid answers but the main responses are 'I don't know' or 'I don't remember'. There was even a 'we may have kissed in the elevator'. Well there's no 'may' about it - you either did or you didn't!

Both you and her need STD tests pronto
Done and all clear despite her not bothering to use protection.

Define "partner". Also how old are you, any children involved
Wife, 36, no children


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways your wife sounds like mine did. The bottom line is that 99% of the I don't know and the I don't remember answers are lies.

They are the most miserable of lies, it is like talking to a 13 year old. And there aren't many ways to prove or disprove an I dont know.

The only thing to do is look your wife in the eye and explain to her that only someone with advanced dementia would not know or not remember where they had sex or what type of sex.

I can understand not remembering the color socks they wore that day or even the day of the week they did this and that. But to answer I dont know and I dont remember to so many questions is exasperating. Some people learn to lie at an early age.

You need to put your foot down right now. And dont ask her to delete the bar guy, tell her to. Ask her why she did not delete him.

You say you only watched her at the bar. Did they leave together or did she come right home after the bar? How much did you tell your wife of what you say at the bar. I sometimes think I told my wife too much of what I knew too soon.


Posts: 3939 | Registered: Jun 2002
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She seems to be a serial cheater. I know that type all to well. Remorse and regret aren't the same thing. If I had no children involved, and could get out, I'd go.
Believe me, 3yrs, 5 yrs 10 yrs from now you will still be wondering about her if you don't fix it now.
Is she lying to you? We all know the answer to that.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut instinct is to run a mile and never look back but my heart is telling me the exact opposite.
Please listen to your.

I have lost count of how many times myself and every other member here said we ignored our gut/instinct to our own detriment.

Your WW is showing no real remorse. She has cheated multiple times and they run the gamut from 2 year LTA to ONS flings. And she hasn't really come clean about it except where caught or facing exposure.

Get out now. If...and I stress 'IF'...she gets her act together and shows true remorse then you can look at forging a new relationship but the old one is dead imho.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3798 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
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