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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I didn't even see this coming
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am one of those who has never gotten the full truth of the details surrounding fww's A. The thing that hurts the most is to find out she is not the person I thought she was. It forever changes the dynamics of the marriage.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Credence,

With no kids you need to get out of this mess no matter how painful in the short term. You WW is not able to live a life if monogamy, at least not with you, and that is NOT your fault. As one other poster said, she is good at covering her tracks, knows you will be watching closely, and unless you can afford to hire a PI to follow her, you will live constantly with not knowing when the next shoe will drop.
Whether or not she had sex(probably did), is not the issue. You will never get complete access to her work e mail, so she will always be able to communicate with other men there, and with so many social media ways to cheat you will have to quit your job and make a full time career out of do an NSA routine on her. If this girls night out thing was a regular thing, my guess is she might even have enablers in her work friends.
You seem to be too good to put up with this crap.
If I were you I would get out now and find a better person to be with


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Partner? Are you married, dating?


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sneaking off for the afternoon to kiss is of course also ridiculous, unless they are in 7th grade.
yes, true.

you also mentioned that she is very good at covering her tracks...

That suggests to me that she has been doing this a long long time, probably before you and her were partners.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:50 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this

here's a (((HUG)))


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry that you are here, I know the pain you are in.

I did not see the affair coming either.

My STBX showed no remorse what so over. Was cold, distant and treated me with disgust.

Read the healing library and LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Do not listen to her words but LISTEN TO HER ACTIONS!!!

It is so devastating to discover the person that you live with, devote your heart too, is not the person you thought. In time, you will start to let go of the dream of what you thought your life was and begin to accept who she really is. It hurts, it sucks but it is in that acceptance, that you will find your freedom.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again everyone for your advice and comments. I am now starting to see this mess for what it actually is. It's strange how I seem to have tried so hard to convince myself that our situation is somehow different from the rest and tried so hard to cling to the hope that it is. I seem to have an inherent need to continue seeing the good in my WS and to try to minimise what she has done and it's driving me crazy.

If my thread was someone else's and I was reading it as an outsider I know that I'd be thinking 'are you actually listening to yourself? How are you not seeing that she is a selfish, immoral, disgusting, habitual cheater and liar who's only regret is getting caught?'

I know I haven't got the whole truth and I cannot even consider R until I do. I can't believe a word that she says and there have been so many lies and inconsistencies that I can't see any way to R.

I need to be with someone I trust. Forever wondering, checking, questioning etc. isn't going to work for me.

This says it all really:
- 3 A's (at least one was sexual, but probably all 3)
- Enablers at work and outside of work
- Sneaking off for sex during work hours
- She was even having sex in the toilets at work
- Turns out there were a couple of weekend encounters where she actually had me drive her to town so that she could go and have sex with him and then called me afterwards to pick her up (told me she was shopping with a (girl)friend... ouch!!!)
- She had the opportunity to come clean but decided to let a friend expose her instead
- She seems regretful but not remorseful

I know I can do much better!!!


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I can do much better!!!

Oh, absolutely you can. And when you do find the right woman you'll know the difference right away. You'll think back on your time with WS and wonder "what was I thinking?!?!"


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Jduff at 12:21 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you decide to R it will be much more difficult than you think. Not only will you have zero trust [with very good reason], but its incredibly difficult to forget the treachery, lies and betrayal and move on with the rebuilding process. Sex can become an ordeal with the mind movies and considering she isn't even remorseful....

I suspect if you tell her you are ending the marriage she won't really be too sad. Now she can devote herself full time to her stable of lovers until she reels in another sucker - soon to be BH. You deserve respect from a wife and thats something she isn't prepared to give.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
bluewater
♂ Member
Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut instinct is to run a mile and never look back but my heart is telling me the exact opposite.

We don't have any children, thankfully

You know she isn't telling you the whole truth. i.e. She is still lying. She is not showing remorse for cheating on you. What she is showing is regret that she was caught. You know in your gut that she will in all likelihood cheat again.

Chances are all this will have taught her is how to be a better cheater.

So like so many others here my advice is to Run!!! Don't look back.

Just RUN!!! As fast and as far as you can from her.

Oh and no kids? One day you will look back and thank your lucky stars


Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2006
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seem to have an inherent need to continue seeing the good in my WS and to try to minimise what she has done and it's driving me crazy.

I think most of us guys have been exactly in the position you describe.
It is the Curse of the Nice Guys.
It took a while to figure out, but being a "nice guy" really sucks. The majority of women have no respect for "nice guys", and is one the reasons we are are welcoming you to our little boat.
( I apologize to you few rare women out there that do appreciate a gentleman and decency )
As they say, Nice guys finish last. Time to stop being a "nice guy".

[This message edited by twisted at 2:33 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
crazycatlady
♀ Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As everyone else has said...get out now. She is broken.
Sorry, but she is unworthy.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with walking away. In this case i wouldn't bother with a confrontation. In an ideal world i would just pack up my stuff and leave without so much as a note.

Considering her environment at work, who knows how many husbands & wives are sitting at home thinking their partner is being faithful. I would post all known affair partners up on cheaterville so that the betrayed are able to make their own choices.


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH wasn't interested in R. When I confronted him he left soon after to move in with the OW... so my situation is a little different. All I can say is that for me it would have been a deal breaker, with no chance of R even if he wanted to try. And if it's a dealbreaker for you, there is nothing wrong with that.

I've seen so many posts here from people who kept digging, trying so hard to get at the truth, and then wishing later they didn't know all the gory details. It's just my opinion but if you are able to make a decision with what you currently know, then make it and move on. Don't torture yourself with digging for more proof if you already have enough to act on.

((credence))

So sorry you're being put through this.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 914 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I listened to my heart instead of my gut for way too long. It came at a tremendous cost to me. Please trust your gut. File as soon as possible. You can always stop the filing if she starts showing real, true remorse.

Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most of us guys have been exactly in the position you describe.
It is the Curse of the Nice Guys.
It took a while to figure out, but being a "nice guy" really sucks. The majority of women have no respect for "nice guys", and is one the reasons we are are welcoming you to our little boat.
( I apologize to you few rare women out there that do appreciate a gentleman and decency )
As they say, Nice guys finish last. Time to stop being a "nice guy".

Twisted, I've thought long and hard about this and although I agree that we do tend to get disrespected and trampled on I don't think it's because women don't respect us. I'm more inclined to think that we are just attracted to the wrong types of women. Women who are broken in one way or another, women that we can take care of (maybe even fix?). Perhaps we set the bar too low or we are too tolerant?


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
velvetglove
♀ New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Credence,

You seem to have gotten a lot of clarity quickly and I applaud you for taking a hard (and painful) look at your situation and seeing it for what it is. I know, whatever you decide, you'll come out ahead.

Twisted, I don't appreciate you making generalizations about women not wanting "Nice Guys" and I actually agree with Credence's assessment. There are many women on here (myself included) who thought we had nice guys only to find out how wrong we were. This is not a gender issue. There are as many men who don't want "nice girls" as there are women who don't want "nice guys." Please don't paint all women with the same brush.


Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twisted, I don't appreciate you making generalizations about women not wanting "Nice Guys"

I believe I said the "majority" of women. ( OK, maybe that could be considered a generalization) I've study and thought about this for a long long time. I've compared why men cheat and to why women cheat and there are many reasons and factors to consider. The "why" is the tricky part, the actually doing it always boils down to " they thought they could get away with it".

How many women do you know choose or tried out the "bad boy" type despite the obvious?


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 42
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