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User Topic: Caught vs Confession - WS Welcome
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a poll here about six months ago, and it seems very few waywards just came out and confessed.

Mine did, but only when he thought he was caught. (He wasn't. And he had lied when I asked point blank 2-3 times.)

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had caught him, this time, rather than his confessing, we'd not be together right now. Seriously. That is his only saving grace. I think it really IS the difference between regret and remorse.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I experienced both. First I caught WH, and he did everything he could to lie and cover up. Then he took it underground for two months before finally confessing and ending it all the way he should have the first time. I feel fairly confident in saying that the only reason we are still together is because he confessed on d-day 2. If I had caught him when he took it underground I'm sure I would have walked away and never looked back.
His confession on d-day 2 proved to me that he truly wanted out of the A, and wanted our marriage. It also proved to me that he had some shred of respect for me, and even more so, that he was ABLE to tell the truth. That literally, needed to be proven to me at that point. I honestly didn't know the man anymore, he was crazed and evil, in my mind. His confession was the only thing that made me say, "Okay, maybe not pure evil."

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's more of what they do when you confront that is telling.

I knew in my gut, and until I had proof, cold hard evidence, I was never going to get a confession.

When I confronted, I got immediate truth of the situation, and a willingness to work toward R. IF he had been waivering in any way, or not sure if he wanted to stay with me, I would have been done right then.

Of course he still broke NC multiple times until he defogged.

But I say a spouse that blames other, denies, or him haws about what they want when confronted doesn't deserve the gift of R.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8681 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW was caught, but not by me.
She and the OM were caught by another employee, who happened to be a friend of mine.
She confessed, confessed that they were in love and she was leaving, with the kids and they were going to live happily ever after. Of course the OM never bothered to tell his Bs about the A.

I guess if I'd been the one to catch them, she'd be XWW instead of fWW.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:14 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 482 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No confession from H. He denied when I asked him during and after. His awful reaction (blaming me, not calling me after I left in tears, calling OW instead) after I found him texting OW are still a major sticking point in R. Heavy TT until fog lifted. The lying and gaslighting are nearly as bad as the A itself.

If he had confessed sure it would have been different, but he just wasn't there. He was so deep in the fog at that time that he insisted that OW (that "pal" of mine) felt empathy for me. Our MC couldn't contain himself when he heard that one and rolled his eyes and said "oh please."

Whether A was revealed bc of confession or bc it was unearthed by the BS, how the WS reacts in the days and weeks following is so important. A WS acting like a jackass inflicts so many more injuries. A sensitive and caring WS softens the blow and helps start the healing much earlier.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 537 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will also say that the type of confession has a big impact on R too. Just because they confess does not mean they are remorseful, at least not in my situation. I got a confession quickly followed up by blameshifting and justification in the very next sentence. And when the A gets brought up now I get the standard, "well I confessed so I don't know why that doesn't count for anything" argument.

A confession can be just another slap in the face in my experience.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught my ws and.I know he wasn't one of those that wanted to be caught because he was eaten up with guilt. He was pissed. I messed everything uo by finding out. I think in my sich, it does make a difference because he wasn't ready to end it, so his remorse was more for himself, not for me.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5125 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 28
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