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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dating advice..
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, i have been single forever.. like 4 yrs or so. and met a man on match.com.

He is 46 (few years older than me). we have been yo 6- 7 dates (having one more tonight). So far we only had a light kiss somewhere in the middle fo these 6- 7dates.

he is separated, but has been for many years. his wife has had a long time affair and is now together with her affair partner. He keeps a flat in London and wife has house in coutry side. He goes to see his kids almost every weekend to the country side. Once he is there she goes to her partner. he spends time with kids. (this of course all is according to him)

now, the but and a question :).

what kind of buggs me is that he has not made a proper move on me. i mean more than kissing. i dont think i have been to that sort of dates etc since age of 14..

is this 'normal' for people our age?

or there are some issues to be expected..

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 8:59 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it has to do with age. Perhaps he is not a sexual person. Some people are like that. It's also possible he is getting it somewhere else. Do you like him? Are you attracted to him? Maybe the chemistry is not there?


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5871 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you feel about only seeing him only on weekdays? So you will never have a weekend of dating with him? I understand him having to see his kids, but all this seems "off" to me as a guy.

If I met a woman like you and you seemed really interested, I think I could skip a weekend in the countryside once in a while to be with you. I don't know if you have someone (exWS) who gets time with your child every other weekend or something. First thing I would do is address that. I'm 47 and we have been out of the dating pool for a long time too, but it's like riding a bike. Sometimes we don't know what the hell to do, but it comes back. It might be that he's waiting for you to do something first. Some guys are just like that. Just a bit shy about it. So I would tell you if it feels right maybe you should take that chance first and see what happens. At least then you'll have your answer.

If everything else checks out with his story it's probably not much more than that. But a dating relationship with no weekends together seems odd to me. What is he expecting to achieve with a woman then? He has to make time to date. That's why "date" is the main word here. I hope his countryside story is what he's telling you it is. I don't know if you can go online and check for court divorce records like here where they are public information. But in today's age, I think it's worth a bit of Googling. I'm sorry but I don't get the whole "long-term separated" thing. If he isn't going to divorce, what kind of long term relationship are you really hoping for? There's always a story behind this kind of arrangement.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole separation and house in the country sounds strange to me but let's say all that is true...have you made any type of "proper move" towards him? If you are interested in more and are curious as to if he is interested in you why not?


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont think weekends will be an issue in a longer term, he has indicated that he will do every other weekend.

and has asked to go skiing together for a weekend, so i think (feel) that in future weekends will not be a problem. (I might be wrong of course..)

so far meeting week only works ok for me ,as my daughter is with me all the time.. but of course if it develops my feelings on that would probably change.

As for me making a move, no I have not made a move. i kind of think it should be a guy making a move. And it really bothers me that he has not, as i am not sure what to make of it. i do like him and would like it to be a relationship. maybe my 3rd date sexpectation have been ruined !!

but seriously i am just confused - are we just friends or wtf?

will think about making a move.. but really should not there be a bit more clarity on everything before i do that? or this is murky dating world where nothing is ever clear?


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate

[This message edited by MelisssaZZZ at 10:54 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 2 cents is something is off- to move on you would want to be divorced.

Time will tell- I think in regards to your question I would prefer the current timeline but that is me- fear of getting involved for the wrong reasons.

All that said I think if you would like more not just for an indication of his feelings than I would make the first move.

If you are not comfortable than I would wait it out.

Ultimately you want someone to do something they want to do but if you prefer a faster timeline than go for it and see how he responds- it could be he is use to dating slower women or he might have to do with being separated.

You need to decide for you


Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jul 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't kiss current guy until date 3, and he didn't "make a move" until the end of the date and he was walking out the door. He told me later he "didn't want to come on too strong." We have decided to hold off on the sex stuff until some other things are settled, and we are at date 6ish now.

Honestly? I'd simply ask him.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

will think about making a move.. but really should not there be a bit more clarity on everything before i do that? or this is murky dating world where nothing is ever clear?

Maybe he feels the same way? Since this seems to be an issue for you, maybe you should try and make it clearer. Sounds to me like both of you are muddling along and one of you needs to bring out the Windex and "unmurky" the window. But then again, I'm a nitwit so.....


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience there are a few guys (of any age) who are very "gentlemanly" and patient. The fact that he's been separated for such a long time seems to indicate some patience.

However, after 6 - 7 dates I think you are entitled to carefully question why he still isn't divorced, and make sure you are satisfied with the answer.

I'm 10 years older than you but I don't have a problem being the first one to "make a move". I also think the invitation to a skiing weekend is a type of "move", because I assume that HE is assuming you will share a bedroom.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience there are a few guys (of any age) who are very "gentlemanly" and patient.

Now there is an interesting observation on my gender. What exactly in your experience do most men do that is "ungentemanly"


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my youth we said that most boys had "Roman hands and Russian fingers". (Get it? Roman = roamin' and Russian = rushin'.)

Among my cohort, saying a guy "behaved like a gentleman" meant he didn't put his hands anywhere near the bra or underwear regions. Or as the original poster put it, didn't attempt anything "more than kissing".



Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its nice to hear when people are okay moving slowly when they start dating, rather than hopping right into the sac then doing emotional catch-up after. But 6-7 dates, well, that seems like about the right time to begin to show more affection and closeness if the the relationship is intensifying. I'm all for you taking the initiative and finding ways, verbal and nonverbal, to show you are open to being more physically demonstrative. Hope you're willing to take the risk and go for it. good luck!

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I take it almostoverit, you feel as you have said most men are not gentleman which to you means they have roving hands and are trying to do something with their fingers which in so many words means most men are...well you fill in the blank. Every time I come back to this forum the sexism is unbelievable. Just think if this was reversed and I said most women are...again fill in the blank...and imagine the outrage. Think about it.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of us just need a brick upside the head to know the other person is interested. Let him know you want more and see what he does.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2013
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he holding your hand? Rubbing your back? Putting his hand on your knee when he drives you somewhere? Arm around your shoulders?

In other words, are there signs of affection from him besides the light kiss somewhere in there? And was that not repeated,just on one or two dates and not recently?

I'm kind of confused on what's going on. Because as I understand it, if a man is into you YOU WILL KNOW IT.

Sounds like right now he enjoys your companionship. But you want a boyfriend. Time to talk about it I think.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Crashtestdummy
♂ Member
Member # 26121
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

Just my two cents... It is sometimes difficult for guys to know when it is right to "make the move". I usually hold off until after Date 3 for the passionate kiss. Not always, but more times than not. That way I know that if there is a fourth date, then she is interested and I can be safe to assume there will not be objections to push the boundaries. Also,when you have been married a long time and then maybe separated for also for a long time, that plays into the whole when is it the right time...

I would think that he could be shy when it comes to that. I know that I am, and I have pump up my courage. But, once the ice is broken, watch out.

I think giving him a push is in order, I doubt he will object. I know I never have.




BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
oldandtiredout
♀ Member
Member # 32299
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you stayed in for the night and watched tv or a dvd together? Or are these dates where you are out to dinner or a show?


WH 50's
BW 50's
DDay July 2009
3 year EA/PA
2 kids at home

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
DOH!  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, everyone :) - much appreciated.

All of the dates have been outside - dinner or dinner and movie. (and we have been holding hands etc etc stuff)

Had another date last night and was brave with SI knowledge :). So went ahead and flirted a bit more and reached out to him - just for his hand. he was very responsive..

nothing more than that happened, but clearly its coming - i can feel it now :).

he had to take early flight this morning to munich, so hmm hmm the overnight would not have been the greatest :).

Also, i am about to move appartments in 3 weeks time, so he offered to help etc. And his kids are coming to London this weekend, so the shift there is starting to happen (without me asking or anything) ...

I have a feeling this is moving in a right direction :). And potentially he has been trying to move with my speed

anyways, will keep you guys updated.


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 5yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1235 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in this age bracket.

The guy I am seeing now is very open to discuss anything. He told me that he would never apply any pressure. How far and how fast to proceed is totally on me. He would never make a move without me being ready.

Maybe your guy was just like that minus verbally telling you so?

I would broach the subject (even if you are not ready). It is very important to feel you can speak openly in advance. We did this - right down to him going for STD testing, etc.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:59 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Topic Posts: 24
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