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User Topic: Why is the A so consuming??!
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about the fact that my H had sex with another woman... it was something he swore throughout our whole marriage that I would NEVER have to worry about... I believed him 100%!!!!!

I'm a year out from Dday, and it's on my thoughts nearly 24/7.. when will it end??!

I think about the friends I've lost in the last year bc of WH's A.. I think about all the lies he told me.... I think about how I would tell him stories about other men cheating on their wives and how he said it was fucked up!! little did I know, that as I was telling him these stories, HE was fucking someone else........

I think about the cyber sex I read between him and the OW.. I think about the I love yous that were said... I think about all the hurt...

Why can't I think about the good times we have..? why can't I look to the future? why is his A consuming my thoughts?

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 9:41 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you on this. It is an all consuming thing when you love someone so much that you live in a constant state of disbelief.

My wife tried to remind me of all the good memories that we've made over our time together. I had to stop and let her know that all of those good memories were now tainted by this ugly thing she has done.

I wish I had an answer to the question myself.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 589 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What has your WH been doing to help you heal and what has he been doing to examine himself?


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1435 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is because it is so wounding. April 6th is 5 years out for me. I had to stop and think of the actual date for a minute. I knew it was April but the date escaped me. It will eventually for you too.

Time is your best friend in this. I won't lie, it still comes into my mind, but it isn't consuming or that white hot burning pain it used to be. My husband's affairs spanned our entire relationship from dating through marriage...so every good memory was really tainted and destroyed. We started over from zero pretty much.

Give yourself time. One year out I was still shell shocked, year 2 and 3 I got mad, really mad...year 4 was a transition year to more acceptance and peace and year 5 has come in like a lamb.

So there is hope. Hang in there.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2009
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses...

Uhtred

all of those good memories were now tainted by this ugly thing she has done.

This is very true.... we even got rid of our wedding rings bc they are now tainted.....

btraydWife

What has your WH been doing to help you heal and what has he been doing to examine himself?

He listens to me when I am feeling sad about the A.. he's transparent.. we actually communicate now... he's remorseful.. he's doing everything right, for me...

Now, it's a different story with him... he hasn't gone to IC or anything (neither have I.. but I have been wanting to call to make an appt, but I'm scared to bc I've had bad luck with IC in the past).. he just said the memories of her are gone... not buried and can be brought up again, just gone! not sure how that's possible....

Nomordeceit

Give yourself time. One year out I was still shell shocked, year 2 and 3 I got mad, really mad...year 4 was a transition year to more acceptance and peace and year 5 has come in like a lamb.

then these next 4 years better FLY bc I'm so emotionally exhausted


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I can relate to the op. After twenty five years her affair is still on my mind every day. My fww tells me that she is still haunted every day that she did what she did. The pain is still with us even though we are still very much in love with each other.
The destruction wrought by an affair is incalculable. I still do not completely trust her and 100% trust will never be regained. She knows this and accepts it as part of the price she will pay for the rest of our lives.
The pedestal that I had placed her on for twenty years was a long way from ground level and hitting the ground was extremely painful for her. I will never, ever put her there again.
The price that she paid was sooooo damned high. In her own words, "my heart is broken and I will never know what might have been. "
I still love her very much. She is my best friend.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
joannie
♀ Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i agree, the good times we had are tainted now, looking forwards is hard not to worry, wish I was old looking back on the good times together knowing we made it...is this abnormal.Glad to hear in time it softens though, we are all there for each other, this helps


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Topic Posts: 7

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