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User Topic: NC Letter--not satisfied
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H was written an NC letter. Some background: supposedly H called the OW to end things officially in late Dec. I wasn't there for the call, which I really resent, hence my use of "supposedly." About a month ago, H suggested that he write another NC letter so that I can see what he wrote and to clarify his feelings. I felt that it would be a good exercise and I would not send it, but would have it as an option should I change my mind later. She tried to break NC on Valentine's Day. H showed me her IM and she was promptly blocked. Still want to maintain crickets for now.

Well, H wrote it today and I am not satisfied with it. Something about its tone irks me--it's detached, which I know is better than him passionately declaring that he hates her, but I feel like it's sort of empty. For instance, his last line is "I regret saying I love you. I do not." Like robotic or something. I feel like this doesn't cover what we've talked about at length, how it was lurve not love, how what they had wasn't ever real, that he was lying to himself and her, his gratitude to me for even considering R. And the whole topic of double betrayal was left out too, which is so hurtful to me.

How do you think I should address this? I feel like this his opportunity to pour his feelings out, to express seriously deep regret, which he does tersely ("I regret ever getting close to you... I regret ever letting you into my house and life.") but it just doesn't go far enough. H has trouble expressing his emotions sometimes but I feel like damn it he screwed up so royally by calling her back in Dec without me (and he knows how I feel about that) that he should have nailed this. It seems moot if I have to tell him what to say, but I am really upset by this. Any advice?


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 460 | Registered: Jan 2014
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe write your own letter to her "from him" and compare?

I was not satisfied with my WHs NC letter. It was soft and expressed some caring for her. He wrote another which was not sent but I felt better about it.

I feel some of these OW will look for hidden meanings and openings to come back. Their feelings do not need to be taken into account. Yours does.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you post it and people will advise?


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1536 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For our OW, nothing beyond short, succinct and to the point would invite the opportunity for her to twist the scenario to reflect the narrative that she has created which is that he is scared to leave me. Nothing that is said would be taken at face value, so the exact way that your husband put his letter together is how my husband had to respond to the AF. I think that there may be a happy medium, a balance that can be struck that you both can live with, but I do urge you to consider not giving so much of your own relationship and reconciliation away. Please think about just how much you want to let her into your world again. His actions re: ending the affair, NC, they speak loud and clear about where his true feelings are.
Maybe you can write something too; then if you come together with both drafts, you can rework it together, incorporating the most important points of each letter. Good luck!!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK here it is:

I want to be clear that I do not want to see or hear from you ever again. I do not want you to contact me or my family in any way--not through social media, by phone, email or in person. Any relationship that we had is over.

Our relationship was wrong. It was a terrible and unkind act for my wife and children and your family. I am ashamed of my behavior and regret that I allowed myself to get close to you.

I don't think you have a clue about the tremendous damage our relationship caused me and my family. My relationship with my wife and children will never be the same. I wish that I had never made the mistake of letting you into our home and our lives.

The truth is I love my wife and I hope that she can forgive me for betraying her and I hope that our marriage can be saved. I regret telling you that I love you. I do not.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 460 | Registered: Jan 2014
LovesLaboursLost
♀ Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i like it actually. it's cold, curt, and leaves no room for doubt.


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC letters aren't intended to "pour feelings out." Their purpose is to dispassionately end contact. Striving for short, blunt, and to the point is the aim. OW does not deserve any further insight into your marriage or any more info from your husband.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8579 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9530 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nomorestrength
♀ New Member
Member # 42257
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually don't think it is so bad. My situation might make you feel better. Not to minimize AT ALL, just thought I'd share (and maybe reaffirm to myself why I'm about to file D within the week).

My WH wrote a NC email on Tuesday, but wouldn't forward it to me, would only hold his phone at a distance for me to barely read in less than a minute. Did he really send it? Probably not. He's an attorney so he didn't want me to see his confession I guess.

But, what I think is more probable is that OW helped him write it (she could get fired for things she has done to help my WH). So, my WH begs me not to divorce, but is still very concerned in protecting OW.

He mentioned how she's been the only one there for him, the strong bond they have, but that their relationship is hurting the relationship with his wife. Are you kidding me? Oh, and that she had tried to end it before. Why would he add that? This has been an LTA and DD #2. Oh, even mentioned that she doesn't need to be in "harm's way." I have never even met this person or even talked to her on the phone. It took me a few hours trying to remember his wording and digest it that I realized he was protecting her if I spill the beans to her employer.

Anyways. I'm 6 months pregnant. He showed me that on Tuesday about 9pm. He's living with his parents. I drove to his parents at midnight and he wasn't there. Not a doubt in my mind he was at OW's place. NC letter was 100% bogus. But he tells me I'm the one not willing to R.

I don't know your complete story, but if your husband has held up NC and told you about her reaching out to him, I think he's making an effort. Obviously he needs to demonstrate remorse, honesty, transparency, (and it's still YOUR decision if that is enough), but the alternative of his NC letter having compassion for her isn't so great either.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's good as a NC letter, too.

Maybe what you really need to hear from him are his realizations of how wrong he was? That should be directed at you, not the OW - she should know nothing about his inner thoughts and believe me that is the worst punishment for her. I sometimes lurk on an OW board and that is what they all cry about after D-day: "I just wish I knew what he was thinking now! I wish he would just contact me one more time and tell me!" Silence will hurt worse.

I saw a good letter in one of the trillion-and-a-half infidelity books I read after DDay (sorry, wish I could remember which one), in which the writer gave a very specific apology for every hurtful thing he could think of that he had done. It repeated the formula "I'm sorry I did X. What you deserved was Y." That was what I wanted, a letter to me from my H that showed he understood how very much he had wronged me, and what a loving husband would have done instead. And I kept handing the letter back to him, saying More! Add more! He had a LOT to think about.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. I like that it clearly conveys his priorities. In no way does he express any concern for her feelings. He's made her irrelevant.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1019 | Registered: Mar 2012
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interestingly to me, I think the best part of the letter is the part that you mentioned not liking. The part that irks me is when he says "our relationship", I don't think that is the best term.

When I read a NC letter "how to" I'm pretty sure it said to not use AP's name and to never say "we" or "our", those words are so personal.

Also, if you're not planning on ever sending it then it's different than a NC letter IMHO. What if H wrote two letters, one that could be sent to her at any time, that is clear but concise, and another one that is just for you. That one would have all the stuff that you wish she could hear from him, the parts that he feels but should never be expressed to her.

((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 904 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like it. detached, to the point. No room for mis interpreting whats being said.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Shutup  Posted: 8:07 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the letter, too, veronique. Sorry! (((veronique)))

Is this the letter you are actually going to send to OW? I feel it is very good.

Now, if you want him to write you a letter, ask him to write you one, a NC letter filled with his emotions. Just for you, never to send.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Our relationship was wrong.

I agree with the poster who said no "our" type of words. I would change this to "what I did was wrong" or leave it out.


I don't think you have a clue about the tremendous damage our relationship caused me and my family.

Again, maybe remove "our relationship", just let it read "I don't think you have a clue about the tremendous damage caused to me and my family".

My relationship with my wife and children will never be the same.

I would leave this out. She's obviously still fishing and she may read this and take sick delight in thinking she ruined you guys.

Then, maybe add what will happen if she contacts you again? What are the consequences if she disrespects no contact. For this, I think he could put a lot of "we" to show solidarity with you: "if you contact us again, we will immediately contact law enforcement".

But all in all I really like the letter. I think it's cold, to the point, and clear.



Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 361 | Registered: Feb 2014
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry hon; his letter was perfect. Your version is what you really want to hear from him.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20031 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. Yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally so maybe I was overly critical. I think yeah I may have been looking for the NC letter to serve 2 purposes, no contact and also an apology to me. I see that they should be 2 separate letters. And yes fully agree about the "we" terms and use of "relationship." Those bother me. Adding the solidarity bit about the consequences of breaking NC is a good idea too.

I don't think I will send it unless she breaks NC.

Thanks for letting me bounce this off you. So good to have your input.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 460 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 17

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