Thanks all for the advice. I am trying to be patient, but I know I'm probably not being as patient as I should. I spent a lot of time last night re-examining my behavior, and I think I have been pushing too hard for a commitment from him. When I look at it, I know I'm acting out of fear.
I know after this you stated you realized you're putting your needs first, and it's great that you've realized this. I just wanted to give a few comments that may make you stick with that realization.
Gently, what you're asking for doesn't exist. Ask yourself this - if he told you tomorrow he was committed and that the focus should be on healing, you'd probably be very happy. So what would you do if, in a month he broke that commitment and left? That is always a possibility, from either side, so you're asking for something that just can't exist. He's free to leave at any time, regardless of what he says.
Also, that commitment will waiver. He's very soon out. Many BSs have commitment that waivers daily. It just does, and nothing that is said or done stops that.
And VERY gently, I would avoid asking for a commitment, answer, etc. When a BS hears this, many times the thought that pops up is "Why? I thought I had a commitment too. Here I am." I do NOT write this to be cold, or harsh. It's just something that you may wish to avoid for that reason, and also, this is one more layer of proof that a real 'commitment' doesn't exist.
As long as you're focused on getting your needs met - security, commitment, etc - then the focus isn't healing.
This is a very long process, and you're in the very early stages. Your husband needs to be able to go through these stages on his timeline, inhis way. The word 'commitment' doesn't mean safety, and the word 'divorce' doesn't mean it's over. Actions are what matters in these scenarios.
Spend your time helping the healing. Read 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair'. Focus on his wants and needs.
You are in fear right now, and that is normal. Please keep in mind your H is also in fear, and his is a different kind. He needs compassion, patience, and consistency. You can't push him to an answer. The marriage right now is up in the air. You need to let it land.
I would say, if I were in your shoes, I would act as if he was staying, and the M was in R. You cannot control if he leaves. As long as he hasn't, he's making an effort.
I'm sure it's a scary place to wonder every day if today is the day my spouse leaves. That can't feel good. Really, I think the best way to alleviate that feeling is to focus on your H and healing.
Don't give up because you don't have 'commitment'. It doesn't exist really. All we are certain of, on either side of the coin, is that we have right now. Use that to help him heal. He'll sense your concern is for him, and that will help him feel safe.
Be strong. It's going to be a lot of work. Hang on tight.