Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate those who responded to just relate as well.
I'll give a little more details. There was a (two) night stand last june, and a 3 month long affair after that (july-september). To be honest and to look at this from a rational point of view...I have enough details right now. I know enough to make decisions. It upsets me when my wife sugar coats things, or goes back on what she has said before. It's almost like she will tell the truth about a detail, then when I bring it up again and she hears how bad it is...she freaks out and says "that's not true, I didn't really _____"....so it's very confusing. The details I am referring to are two in particular at this moment.
1) There were 1500 texts that were exchanged between her and the OM. Along with tons of phone calls. She texted with him 24/7, so whenever she and I were together...there is no way she could NOT be talking to him too. I understand how she could be hiding texting to another man...but I don't understand how she could hide the phone calls. Where was I when she made these calls? Where did she have to go in order to talk to him when I was in the house? She says she can't remember.
2) In september (before I found out about any physical affairs) I found out that she was having online sexual relationships with around 20 men. I read all of the conversations and read things that no husband should ever have to read. In january, I found out about the physical affairs that were happening around that time as well. Well, a couple days after I found out about the skype stuff...she wrote a note on her phone that said "510***** confirmation". What it really was, was the OM's phone number...but it was disguised to make it look like a confirmation number of some sort. My question to her was...why after I found out about the skype stuff did she save his number? Did she plan on talking to him again and wanted to save his number? Why did she save that number? She talked to him all the way up until the night I found out about the skype stuff...then she blocked his number...but she saved it for some reason. I want to know why she saved it, but she says "She cant remember"
3) I want to know what the hell they talked about so much. She claims that none of the conversations were very deep, and it was mostly about work. I call 100% BS on that. She expects me to believe that a sexually charged secret affair occurred, but no talk about sex occurred? That is what she claims. I know maybe she cant remember exact conversations...but I just want to know the vibe of the conversation, what it was about....I just simply want to know what the fuck she and the OM talked about so much! She cant remember.
All it told me was that if it were true, she evidently didn't care about me to the level she said she did, noting that not remembering major details of the biggest danger to our marriage that required constant planning to avoid being caugh and pre-meditated deceit says an awful lot about one's attitude to relationships.
If it were me, I'd be wracked with the guilt of the details.
That is totally what I always say to her. It says a lot about the person she is if she "can't remember" doing the worst possible thing a woman can do to her husband.
You could have her write a timeline of the entire sequence of events before during and after the affair. She want she writes. Writing is great for actually helping people remember.
There are ways to help remember. Like the night of the big storm, or the night we went there or tie the forgotten event to a known event.
That was part of my plan. I was going to have her write out a timeline. It was a great plan, but I veered from my plan and we ended up sitting down and talking through the timeline for 4 hours one night. Bad idea. It defeated the purpose of me having a written timeline. I want to be able to go back and read what I wanted to read whenever I wanted. Having things written out really helps me. I wish I could go back and have her write it out. I also liked the advice of using events to help her remember.
Basically, she is doing what she can and she is doing the right thing right now. HOWEVER, she is still SUGAR COATING and MINIMIZING! I am not getting the 100% brutal truth out of her. She thinks that I am a masochist and I just want to hear things that will hurt me...otherwise I don't believe her. It isn't true. All I want is the truth. I want the unaltered, brutal truth. If I am asking for it, I want to hear it. She doesn't get to decide for me what the truth is in order to save me pain.
The sugar coating is stuff like this:
-She wasn't sexually attracted to any of the men (they could've been anyone that was sexually attracted to her).
-None of them were attractive.
-She never talked about sex to the OM over the phone.
-All of the OM had smaller penises than me (yes, i know I am weird for worrying about this one)
-They were all boring.
-I am so much better than all of them
-She never had an orgasm with them
-All of the sex was very short and she derived basically zero pleasure out of it.
-She didn't like any of them. She wasn't interested in them she wasn't attracted to them.
-She doesn't want an uncircumcised penis, despite the fact that she looked at "uncut" porn, and she has admitted to me that if she had a choice in choosing, she would choose for me to be "in-tact"
I am just so tired of all of the BULLSHIT! All I want is the truth! Am I insane for wanting to hear the truth about this shit? I feel like the longer she keeps this BS up, the longer the affairs have power.