A few weeks later that turned into me finding out they had made out on 9 seperate occasions, were prolifically sexting each other, and prior to D-Day, were planning an upcoming overnight work trip in order to have sex.
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
1) The sheer volume of texts and calls means that there will be a whole lot of 'specifics' that she doesn't remember - totally understandable. If she spoke to him on the phone while you were in the house then she will almost certainly remember the tactics that she used to avoid you becoming suspicious. Going into the bathroom, stepping outside, whispering, pretending it was someone else, making sure you were out of earshot - she would absolutely remember doing these things. The danger involved and the associated adrenalin rush makes these things difficult to forget + she would likely have been re-running things in her mind afterwards to make sure she had covered her tracks.
2) She knows exactly why she saved his number - in case she wanted/needed to contact him again. She was keeping her options open and she just doesn't want to own up to this because of the consequences.
3) It's quite possible that they mainly talked about non-sexual stuff but you can bet your bottom dollar that there was at least some sexual content or innuendo at the very least. Again, due to the volume of correspondence it is quite possible that she doesn't remember specifics. Have you tried asking simple questions like:
- Did you ever say I love you?
- Did he ever say I love you?
- Was there ever any flirting?
- Was there ever any innuendo?
- Was sex ever mentioned by you?
- Was sex ever mentioned by him?
These are questions that she will know the answers to and a 'I don't know/remember' will mean YES! You can tell her beforehand that you will only accept yes/no answers and any other answer will be taken as a 'yes'.
That was part of my plan. I was going to have her write out a timeline. It was a great plan, but I veered from my plan and we ended up sitting down and talking through the timeline for 4 hours one night. Bad idea. It defeated the purpose of me having a written timeline. I want to be able to go back and read what I wanted to read whenever I wanted. Having things written out really helps me. I wish I could go back and have her write it out. I also liked the advice of using events to help her remember.
yes, i know I am weird for worrying about this one
Anyhow, lay down your firm line of not putting up with the lack of memories and make your spouse dig deep and figure it out as best as they can.
I discovered the A on December 3rd. I didn't understand the need for consequences when it came to no contact. I just told her, "You need to contact him and tell him to F/off and it's over. You are working things out at home."
On December 31, I discovered, he contacted her 3 days after and sent her a rather heated, "Fine, by, you'll never hear from me again, you hurt my feelings, blah-blah" She caved, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to send that message to you. I love you. I didn't mean anything i said to you...blah blah" That BS, hurt more than the vulgar sex messages she was sending to him while I was tucking my kids in bed.
I folded emotionally when I read these emails, I forwarded them to my email and saved them in a file. In case I needed them, and I did. I sent them to OM's in-laws and from what I understand, his "Come to Jesus" moment happened here within the last day or is coming up this week. They thanked me for copies of his messages to my spouse.
The other day, they emailed me to update me on their impending meeting with the OM and I have lingering questions about the A of my own. I thought, perhaps, the answer is found in their conversations. Well, for the first time, I noticed one of the emails was sent (post no contact in the first of December)..while I was sleeping next to her in bed. I asked her, "Uhm, did you honestly, email this man, during the wee hour of the morning, while I was sleeping next to you?"
She says, "I don't remember. It was my rule to never open any of his messages or emails while you were in bed with me. I heard my phone's notification I had gotten a new message, and I always waited until later on that day to check them."
Me: but the email time stamp says on this day, at this hour, you responded with an email. At that day, at that hour, I was sleeping, next to you..." Well, if it says that, but, I don't remember.
Me: Wait, you have an A with a man you knew when you were teenagers, haven't spoken to him in allegedly 20 years, you take your clothes off and send pics of yourself after reconnecting with him, and knowing him 1 week, because he causes you to remember that time in your life..20 years ago, but you can't remember emailing him from our bed, while I was sleeping next to you, less than 3 months ago??? WTH??
One does not Skype someone they were texting before to share cooking recipes.
Good luck man
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.