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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't know/I don't remember
Hurthalo
♂ Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally got the lines:
'I wasn't physically attracted to him.'
'It wasn't about physicality, it was to fill an emotional void at home.'
'I would never sext him or anyone, it's not something I would ever do.'
'I don't remember how many times we made out, only about once or twice.'

A few weeks later that turned into me finding out they had made out on 9 seperate occasions, were prolifically sexting each other, and prior to D-Day, were planning an upcoming overnight work trip in order to have sex.

Yeah...


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I've always seen it is that anything that takes planning or evasive action is unlikely to be forgotten whereas things that don't take much thought or consideration are more likely to be forgotten.

1) The sheer volume of texts and calls means that there will be a whole lot of 'specifics' that she doesn't remember - totally understandable. If she spoke to him on the phone while you were in the house then she will almost certainly remember the tactics that she used to avoid you becoming suspicious. Going into the bathroom, stepping outside, whispering, pretending it was someone else, making sure you were out of earshot - she would absolutely remember doing these things. The danger involved and the associated adrenalin rush makes these things difficult to forget + she would likely have been re-running things in her mind afterwards to make sure she had covered her tracks.

2) She knows exactly why she saved his number - in case she wanted/needed to contact him again. She was keeping her options open and she just doesn't want to own up to this because of the consequences.

3) It's quite possible that they mainly talked about non-sexual stuff but you can bet your bottom dollar that there was at least some sexual content or innuendo at the very least. Again, due to the volume of correspondence it is quite possible that she doesn't remember specifics. Have you tried asking simple questions like:
- Did you ever say I love you?
- Did he ever say I love you?
- Was there ever any flirting?
- Was there ever any innuendo?
- Was sex ever mentioned by you?
- Was sex ever mentioned by him?
These are questions that she will know the answers to and a 'I don't know/remember' will mean YES! You can tell her beforehand that you will only accept yes/no answers and any other answer will be taken as a 'yes'.

That was part of my plan. I was going to have her write out a timeline. It was a great plan, but I veered from my plan and we ended up sitting down and talking through the timeline for 4 hours one night. Bad idea. It defeated the purpose of me having a written timeline. I want to be able to go back and read what I wanted to read whenever I wanted. Having things written out really helps me. I wish I could go back and have her write it out. I also liked the advice of using events to help her remember.

It's never to late to do this and I found it very useful having things written down. Firstly because I could go back and re-read things afterwards and try to process them. Secondly because it makes inconsistencies stand out like a sore thumb. Thirdly, she's woven a web of lies and it's very difficult to keep track of them so having it written down means you can quiz her on any inconsistencies at a later date and filter out any lies.

yes, i know I am weird for worrying about this one

You are absolutely 100% NOT weird about this one. An EA creates insecurities where they should not be and blows up existing insecurities. It's a massive blow to your masculinity that she's chosen to engage with another guy and of course you will feel the need to make comparisons to understand why she has. I would be very surprised if this one thing alone is what drove her to do what she did. When you watched porn, did you compare her to the porn stars? Did you make comparisons between her body and theirs? Of course you didn't. Porn isn't reality, it's an escape from reality.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that details are not easily forgotten. Yes, small ones maybe, but not the vast majority. My WS did/does the same thing...I simply say "you better remember or I'm gone" and he says to give him a little time to think and sometimes he remembers and sometimes not. For his benefit of the doubt, he can't remember most things. He has no idea how he decided to propose to me. Nice :(

Anyhow, lay down your firm line of not putting up with the lack of memories and make your spouse dig deep and figure it out as best as they can.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
Brokenhearted99
♂ New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm dealing with this.

I discovered the A on December 3rd. I didn't understand the need for consequences when it came to no contact. I just told her, "You need to contact him and tell him to F/off and it's over. You are working things out at home."

On December 31, I discovered, he contacted her 3 days after and sent her a rather heated, "Fine, by, you'll never hear from me again, you hurt my feelings, blah-blah" She caved, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to send that message to you. I love you. I didn't mean anything i said to you...blah blah" That BS, hurt more than the vulgar sex messages she was sending to him while I was tucking my kids in bed.

I folded emotionally when I read these emails, I forwarded them to my email and saved them in a file. In case I needed them, and I did. I sent them to OM's in-laws and from what I understand, his "Come to Jesus" moment happened here within the last day or is coming up this week. They thanked me for copies of his messages to my spouse.

The other day, they emailed me to update me on their impending meeting with the OM and I have lingering questions about the A of my own. I thought, perhaps, the answer is found in their conversations. Well, for the first time, I noticed one of the emails was sent (post no contact in the first of December)..while I was sleeping next to her in bed. I asked her, "Uhm, did you honestly, email this man, during the wee hour of the morning, while I was sleeping next to you?"

She says, "I don't remember. It was my rule to never open any of his messages or emails while you were in bed with me. I heard my phone's notification I had gotten a new message, and I always waited until later on that day to check them."

Me: but the email time stamp says on this day, at this hour, you responded with an email. At that day, at that hour, I was sleeping, next to you..." Well, if it says that, but, I don't remember.

Me: Wait, you have an A with a man you knew when you were teenagers, haven't spoken to him in allegedly 20 years, you take your clothes off and send pics of yourself after reconnecting with him, and knowing him 1 week, because he causes you to remember that time in your life..20 years ago, but you can't remember emailing him from our bed, while I was sleeping next to you, less than 3 months ago??? WTH??


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
spanz
♂ New Member
Member # 42715
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is there really much doubt in your mind about the Skype sessions? She and he were naked, masturbating, and doing as many kinky things that they could think of to show each other.

One does not Skype someone they were texting before to share cooking recipes.

Good luck man


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: usa
rolfasaurus
♂ New Member
Member # 42348
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt halohate to break it to you, but I can pretty much guarantee a lot more than "making out" happened. Generally people don't just make out 9 times.
Spanzif you read my posts, this isn't about Skype video calling. I know everything that went on during her online affairs, and yes. It was everything you said it was. I have records and the history and the text logs of all 20 of the guys she was sexually involved with. I read things and saw things that no husband should ever have to read.
What this post was referring to was her physical affairs. Which occurred 6 months ago.


Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
Wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to D, you have enough info. If you want to R, no, you do not know enough if you still have questions not being answered. "I do not remember" is cheater 101. It is code for, "yes, I did it, but I am not going to talk to you about it." The crazy thing is, if they would give you honest, spot on answers, you can drop it and get on to the next step. It is their non answers that make the questions more important and make the BS crazy for a real answer. TT will kill your R. The sooner the WS figures this out, the better your lives will be. Non answers keep the A special and secretive. The BS feels like the WS is keeping secrets and that is not R. She needs to fill in the blanks for you so you can both move on.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Topic Posts: 27
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