I'm dealing with this.
I discovered the A on December 3rd. I didn't understand the need for consequences when it came to no contact. I just told her, "You need to contact him and tell him to F/off and it's over. You are working things out at home."
On December 31, I discovered, he contacted her 3 days after and sent her a rather heated, "Fine, by, you'll never hear from me again, you hurt my feelings, blah-blah" She caved, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to send that message to you. I love you. I didn't mean anything i said to you...blah blah" That BS, hurt more than the vulgar sex messages she was sending to him while I was tucking my kids in bed.
I folded emotionally when I read these emails, I forwarded them to my email and saved them in a file. In case I needed them, and I did. I sent them to OM's in-laws and from what I understand, his "Come to Jesus" moment happened here within the last day or is coming up this week. They thanked me for copies of his messages to my spouse.
The other day, they emailed me to update me on their impending meeting with the OM and I have lingering questions about the A of my own. I thought, perhaps, the answer is found in their conversations. Well, for the first time, I noticed one of the emails was sent (post no contact in the first of December)..while I was sleeping next to her in bed. I asked her, "Uhm, did you honestly, email this man, during the wee hour of the morning, while I was sleeping next to you?"
She says, "I don't remember. It was my rule to never open any of his messages or emails while you were in bed with me. I heard my phone's notification I had gotten a new message, and I always waited until later on that day to check them."
Me: but the email time stamp says on this day, at this hour, you responded with an email. At that day, at that hour, I was sleeping, next to you..." Well, if it says that, but, I don't remember.
Me: Wait, you have an A with a man you knew when you were teenagers, haven't spoken to him in allegedly 20 years, you take your clothes off and send pics of yourself after reconnecting with him, and knowing him 1 week, because he causes you to remember that time in your life..20 years ago, but you can't remember emailing him from our bed, while I was sleeping next to you, less than 3 months ago??? WTH??