So, now he wants me to pack up my stuff. .. go move in with my dad/brother& his family (where there is NO room& my dogs aren't welcome).
He's also threatening to walk away & never work again to avoid alimony. I took 1/2 our tax refund and opened my own account the day I confronted. He's beside himself I STOLE his money like that. So today he says I have to pay 1/2 the bills till that money is gone, them move because I can't support myself here unless I get a job. I will see NO MORE money from him, he's sick of supporting my lazy ass :(
I'm not getting any of the 401k either, He says (he plans to pay bills with it. .. same as my plan).
I told him I didn't file because they will automatically freeze any cashing of the 401k until the divorce is final . Plus we'd need a $500+ QDRO.
Told him alimony is roughly 40% of his income as soon as I file & ask for support. That I hadn't filed because I wad trying to not lock down finances since he lost his job. He says I will not get ANOTHER DIME.
This scared me because his brother walked away from his wife/5 kids &never worked again to avoid child support. He's homeless to this day, 20 years later. Luckily she had an excellent career & education and huge family to help her. She remarried & had what appears to be a great life after.
I don't have those advantages.
Then he accused ME of cheating when I leave for hours (I've left 2x in the month to go grocery shopping? ).
I how this is just a tantrum.
He also said I should file since this is "apparently what I want".
I Said all of this is a nightmare & I don't WANT and of it... But that he didn't want me, doesn't love me, & had told me he found someone he likes screwing better.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 1:23 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
This is so hard.
Daughter just got made manager at her job...she can't afford rent on her own tho. So now she too doesn't know where she's going to go. If she'll have to give up her job (she's got no savings either, had to pay the house bulls here while he lived away the last year& 1/2).
WH & OW are so selfish. So many lives disrupted. Two families worth. So much worked for thrown away. So much for achieving the dream of homeownership. That lasted 4 years (this April 1).
Funny how "miserable" he was ( for 10 years or more now apprently) but he had the opportunity to leave 4 years ago when we bought this house/his job relocated the first time.
He had the chance to leave when he had his first affair... we lived at my dad's house then. I could have just stayed there & he could have moved on.
The truth is he wasn't miserable til he started putting it to her & started listening to his newly divorced friends tell him how "it's hard. But you get over it. Everyone will be happier".
27 years & this is what it boils down to?
I was boring, lazy(he doesn't think taking care of a home, 5 people's every need, & raising kids/taking care of my elderly dad w/colon cancer& low blood sugar is "work"). Says I never cared for him, didn't stand behind him through good times or job losses/family deaths/tragedies/SEVERAL YEARS of near death illnesses all the while being sick & in pain (& misdiagnosed) myself.
How f#cked up is that?
* okay. I see why you'd say to try a shelter. I AM being emotionally (& now financially) abused. Guess I'm just used to it. .. not that it makes it easier to swallow. Shouldn't say used to it. Should say it's what i expect.
I just keep hoping the guy i THOUGHT he was would come back. Honestly it's weird. He bounces between livid & distant but taking/acting "normalish".
Just now he came in from the garage & wad telling me about putting together his new saw. Then told me to come look at it & talking to me about building a fire since I mentioned being chilly (nerves).
Then I walked back into the house.
That's why I'm staying& not doing anything drastic. The lawyer says to just hang in there& try to reconcile , at least until finances are better. That leaves me guilty tho. I'm not into using people. Being fake. Especially for financial gain. But it's obvious he's nit going to do the honest thing. I'm so conflicted. I know I'm setting myself up to get totally screwed too. If he takes that money & doesn't pay "my" bills (cards we got in my name since his credit was maxed out.. used totally for our household , years ago, that he's now claiming to know nothing about) & spends it..omg. I can't even think about it. But then my mind says (& he also geeks) it's HIS money, HE earned it . Why do I get it?
But he shouldn't just walk away either.
My head is spinning. I just want to crawl into bed. .. But I have to go start separating ask our stuff. He's painting walls & installing new baseboard.
I can't believe our home, his dream, is going to be up for sale soon. All the neighbors will know my husband didn't find me of any value. .. our families all will know I'm so humiliated.
I wonder if this is MID LIFE CRISIS & he's got a hormone imbalance?
I dunno. But I REALLY need to start detaching I'm much less attached than I used to be. . But I'm so co dependant/ attached/ terrified of what's going to happen it's not funny.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
The nice stuff, from this guy, is fake and evil and self serving. He can't empathize with you. He wouldn't be able to if he wanted to.
D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.
I always feared he would die... this is so much worse.
Unfortunately, I have no lawyer. I'll have to do pro se with help from legal aide.
I managed to take $2500 on confrontation day. Between severance & unemployment he's bringing in overt $5000 mo.
I've been the only one buying groceries, dog food, gas,dog shots
(+ 1/2 the bills etc.) This past month
I'm now under $1000 & bills are all due again. He wants me to pay 1/2 again until my money is all gone, as he feels I had no right to any of it on the first place
. That will be next week sometime.
I refuse to pay the last $500. It's $435 to file , so I'm keeping that amount & enough fur a tank of gas & a meal. Just in case the shit his the fan & I'm FORCED to leave the house (lawyer says do not leave unless I'm not physically safe, which I am. ☆I had a free consultation)
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 6:30 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
Your entitled a$$ of a WH does not get to decide to kick you out of the house..You are entitled to interest in the house, unless he owned it before you dated and married..
He tries to kick you out don't leave..He gets physically abusive, call the police and take advantage of witnesses if you have them..This can get HIM kicked out of the house ..You would be able to get a restraining order.. Until you got the RO you could tell your local police department that your WH (once he is out of the house) is harassing you..
I forgot to ask you, when you spoke to the L who encouraged you to R, did he or she have any idea what kind of money your WH is bringing in? ( doesn't matter the source of money either ) ..
I have been doing plenty of reading up to help my sitch ..I read that someone who has been working within the last year or so, cannot claim that he or she is unable to work (unless or until this person has a disabling injury certified by a doctor )..The judge would call bullshit on this person trying to get out of CS or alimony..
I agree with the others, hard 180..
I am in similar shoes as you except breadwinner status is reversed, I have been the main breadwinner who has the modest pension..I am almost 60 yrs old..
Lawyers also encouraged me to R saying that it would be difficult to live in 1/2 of my pension, especially if I had to move and start over somewhere else..
I don't do anything for my WH..
I think you would be much better off than you think in a D, same for me...
Fear is the thing that paralyzes us..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:13 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
I'm glad you are the breadwinner, But sad you will lose 1/2 to a wayward. :(
I hope you're situation improves.I'm sorry you are hurting too. :(
I like the advice of OK now, but know that you may not be as screwed financially (in the long run ) as you think..
When your situation does go to divorce and settlement, please take lump sums of money whenever that is an option...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
After June 1 his severance pay will stop. Then it's unemployment only.
He bought a Harley with his 401k in 2008, so it's only $27ooo , about what we owe on credit cards (& vet bills .. tried to save our dog from dying from cancer 3 years ago. That cost $10k & she died anyway after 6 months of hell. In fact, I think THAT'S what started this whole freak out he got really distant& depressed. The dogs are "like our kids". Well, were. Now he pretty much hates them. Thinks I should take them to the shelter. Uh - NO!!).
Only lump sum I have coming is 1/2 the house profit. ..IF any. And that's questionable. We've only lived here 4 years next month.
He could easily get disability. He has had severe heart problems since birth, now he has other significant health problems adding up.
He's also going to have a hell of a time finding work. .. not that he's looking. He wants a "break" for awhile. Sigh
The whole thing is a clusterf*ck.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 8:45 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
Here is what I am thinking..Maybe these thoughts will resonate with you..If not, take what you can and leave the rest..
The minute I have to go back to work is the minute I will get the heck out of here, no more saving or trying to get ducks lined up in a row..
If I have to work, I want my own place away from him..I don't want to work hard and come home to a cake eating ass whom I have to support..
Same for poverty..I am as poor as a church mouse, about 1000 a month in pension to pay the bills..No extras for me unless I sell my art..
I live sparsely, I still eat and have shelter which is paid off.. Life isn't unpleasant as long as nothing unexpected comes up for expense..I can sleep in late, go to bed late, take walks, do my photography, do patio time when the weather is nice ..I avoid WH when I can..
Since I bring in so little in the way of income and I am still healing from an injury , my WH was forced to go back to work.. I feel like I have a little more dignity in that he is supporting me a bit more financially than he used to..He does his own laundry, cooking etc..He would have to do these things for himself living alone any way..
But the minute I begin to STRUGGLE with any kind of poverty that makes my daily life hard, again I am gonna take the dive and get AWAY from my WH...I would rather live harshly on my own than live a hard life with WH..
Life is gonna change anyway no matter what I do or don't do..
People keep telling me to KICK the new doors in so that they can open for me..The sooner I take the dive away from him, the sooner I can adjust to what I have in front of me whether it be new blessings or new problems..
Maybe the same can apply to you ? Since it is smart to follow the advice of your L, do the little nice (freebie) things for you, daughter, doggies to make your day better.. Life might feel more in control if you give yourself benchmarks or deadlines to do stuff (any stuff) in teeny tiny steps..
Yesterday and today I was happy that I finished vacuuming the inside of my car and reading about marketing art..I didn't do anything else productive, lol..
Slow baby steps that you know are going in the right direction on a path where you know you belong.. Better than feeling lost/unsure and dying a slow death by a thousand cuts...KWIM..
Keep posting when you can..I am gonna follow this thread and your other threads closely :-)
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:45 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]
I woke up at 3 am & started thinking about yesterday & the threats. That is BS. NOW I'm angry. I also see he spent the evening texting her. No doubt bitching about me & how awful I am. He's showering now (why does he just barge into my room in a towel? Ugh).. I'm sure WH will be leaving soon to go see her. Gotta get laid since it wasn't happening here... & he just HAS to have it every week, 2x a week.
Pisses me off, it's so disrespectful.... But what's new? That's just him now. At least it helps me detach. My skin crawls at the thought of sleeping with him these days. Funny too. I wonder how it works....screwing a lesbian? I can't think too deeply on it. But it's just so STRANGE to me, that partner choice. Whatever. Not my problem. If he wants to give up a straight woman who was still into fun sex w/ her man... ok. I'll find a man who appreciates what I being to the table again, someday.
Today's goal. Finish separating all our junk in the master bedroom closet & clean our bathroom cabinet out.
DD has Tues/Wed off, so I'll have company.
I'm going to do like you said, Diva. Try to do some nice things for myself, daughter & doggies. Daughter got us a Groupon to get our eyebrows done. We'll make lunch out if it. Why not?
I'm also going to be a LOT more distant. Why dies he get to be friendly with me to comfort himself?
I'll still make dinner for us all... because I don't mind. But I'm done serving him.
We all sat the table last night. SO uncomfortable now. I used to say how sad it was to see people in restaurants eating together & not talking. That I was so happy that wasn't us. Well. ..tada! That's us now. He just keeps his head down & doesn't participate in conversation. You know he's so hard done by.
[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:35 PM, March 10th (Monday)]
I hope he's fucking happy.
Naturally OW and he are blowing up their phones texting.
I wish he'd go see a lawyer. He needed REAL advice & also a slap into reality.
After all this hateful yelling about how I'm just a useless leech daughter & I retreat to the bedroom to look up some info.
He comes in & asks what we are doing& makes a kind comment about me.
We basically just ignored him, without being outright rude.
It's going to take what feels like forever to get this house fixed up & on the market.
I don't get his anger at ME.
HE cheated, HE is getting what he wants & I'm not trying to be unreasonable or anything.... But freedom isn't free.
All the neighbors will know my husband didn't find me of any value. .. our families all will know I'm so humiliated.
All the neighbors will know my husband didn't find me of any value. .. our families all will know I'm so humiliated.
All the neighbors and your family will see the situation for what it is - your WH is a colossal asshat.
Do NOT move out of the house. Do NOT file - the attorney specifically said not to. STOP listening to him! He doesn't make the rules about what you do/do not get in the D. The judge does.
Do your best right now. Read. Learn. Plan. Document.
Stop handing over your power to this guy. He's just a bag of hot air.
We've got your back.
I hate to see things get ugly, but when your WH is acting out like this, you get more of a window into his mind and you can base your strategy on what you see..
I agree, DON'T MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE..
But with this said you are at the stage where you need a good escape plan..So that you know what you are gonna do( step by step) if you have to leave the house suddenly..
Do you have a friend who( WH doesn't know) whom you can trust..
This may be the person who can safe keep your beloved valuables, like pictures, lock box with copies of important documents, etc..
May also be a person to safe keep your doggies for a few hours to a couple of days if needed..
For me I have my sons for immediate safe harbor but it would take me hours to a day to arrange flight or travel to stay with family who could help/shelter me longer term..
If you or your daughter don't have an IRL friend/ person/shelter who can help, that would be something to look into and work on..
When you make your escape plans, leave no traces (phone/computer history) that you are doing so..Pay for things( like bus tickets, etc) in cash or with gift cards so that your activities can't be traced..Coz if you had to leave suddenly, I'm sure you wouldn't want your WH nipping at your heels..