So, please tell me what you have done to help break that mental contact....tricks, realizations, etc.
Also, try to think of better things that you could be spending that mental energy on. What are your hobbies and interests? Think of those. Think of your loved ones, instead.
It is your mind, and you are in control of it.
Just a couple of suggestions that have worked for me. Best of luck to you.
I also hope my xAP is suffering, but I think since I have no idea how he is doing, it helps curb my thoughts at that. Looking at his FB is just going to give you more ammo to think about.
2) Picture AP saying and doing the same things he did with you - to his wife or a new partner. How it's just one of his moves. This will make you like him less
3) and the BEST advice I've read, is when you can't get AP out of your head, look around the room and list the colors/items you see. Blue chair, white wall, brown shoes, etc. So dumb, but this will help keep you in the PRESENT. It doesn't take long to get bored with that and then you find something much better to think about!
[This message edited by familyfirst at 10:08 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]
IC says that the cycle is a way to avoid feeling what really is going on inside. its a way to mask or avoid feelings.
So next time you want to do that, explore what you are feeling, and allow yourself to feel that instead.
Separated transitioning to D
Because I want xAP to suffer (because I feel that I am)
Really? FTG. You have no control over his life, and shouldn't be wasting any headspace on him.
I looked through a few of your posts and couldn't determine...is AP married?
At the risk of t/j'ing I'm gonna strongly question one of familyfirst's recommendations.
If you want him to suffer, think about how he will now have to always compare any partner to you, and how they will always fall short and he will live his life unsatisfied even if it looks good on the outside.
Pardon? Am I to understand that you're consoling yourself with thoughts of your poor AP being stuck with his inferior wife instead of you? If so, that is one of the most fucked-up perspectives I've ever read on SI. I'm open to the possibility that I'm misinterpreting you, though, so please disabuse me if I got that wrong.
One of my problems is I don't have any hobbies...I mean really. My H has told me since our first year of marriage that I needed to get a hobby....but I think I'm just lazy about it. For something to be a hobby, you have to work at it and I just never take the time to invest in anything that interests me. Except reading obviously. But I see it as an escape/coping problem for me now.
My IC tells me that when I start to obsess about things, to look underneath at what I am feeling at the time and try to identify those feelings.
I really need to work on this right here. ^^
3) If you want him to suffer, think about how he will now have to always compare any partner to you, and how they will always fall short and he will live his life unsatisfied even if it looks good on the outside.
Sorry, but I don't find this helpful at all....he is a serial cheater and I don't delude myself that I'm all that either.
20Wrongs - not only was he married, he was my H's best friend since childhood. I don't know if that makes it harder for me to let go or not...
And don't get me wrong, I know I chose to cheat with him. I don't see myself as a victim in this.
I do wish my xAP misery. I found that time helps, at the beginning it was all I could think about. As time goes by I do less and less. I try to stay busy. If I get thoughts I try to start doing something - come on here, clean, get out with my girls, go to the store, start a new project at work. My hardest times were on my drive to and from work an hour to an hour and a half each way. I listen to the radio loud or I call a friend.
I don't know if this helped but busy has worked for me. Good luck, it may just take a little time.
So, if the thought of looking him up on FB crosses your mind, think- How would BS feel about this? or Is this something I want to have to tell my BH? It will stop you, and each time you don't do it gets you closer to mental NC.
Do nothing that would hurt your BH, or compromise your integrity or your R. That becomes your new pattern/habit.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Because I want xAP to suffer (because I feel that I am) and I don't like to see that his life is seemingly going well, it just gets me all bent out of shape. And then I kick myself for looking.
What are you expecting to find? Do you really think that he is going to write that he had an affair with his best bud's wife and now that the cat is out of the bag things really suck? Do you think he is going to post in there that his wife really stuck it to him because he isn't being remorseful enough? That he had to sleep on the couch again because he is such an asshole? Let's be realistic. What do you have on your FB page? I imagine some nicey pics of your friends and family. I suppose you post things that are pretty vague or inconspicuous regarding your personal situation, right? I don't imagine you are broadcasting the pain you are in for all the world to see.
So searching for "suffering" is never going to happen. So is that really why you are looking? Or is it because you still miss him or are holding onto fond memories? You need to figure out what your true motivation for looking is. Then you can stop the behavior.
Have you told your BH that you have been creeping on your xAP's FB page? That's probably information he would want to know. If you haven't, it's most likely because you know it would hurt him. Could possibly be a deal breaker. And those are the things you need to think about before acting.
[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 4:25 PM, March 7th (Friday)]
So, please tell me what you have done to help break that mental contact....tricks, realizations, etc
Why not just tell her and reserve the judgement/punishment at her for asking? FWIW my IC says the WS must grieve the loss of the AP before they can truly move on. Grief has many stages and one of those is anger. It's ok for her to be mad and want some suffering, that phase won't last forever.
No one is being mean. Because there are different opinions being made doesn't mean they are wrong.
If our counselor would have told me I must grieve the loss of the OP, I would have told her to get into a different field because infidelity isn't her specialty.
I don't think it's realistic to think anyone can turn their feelings on or off like a light switch, but to actually grieve the loss of the person that helped cause such pain? No way. Grieving the loss of how that person made me feel is much different than grieving the loss of him. Imho.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 10:08 AM, March 10th (Monday)]
Every time you give him room in your head, your handing him the power he had over you during the affair all over again.
The very thing you called yourself weak and easy about, you do it all over again by seeking him out and letting him occupy your mind to the point of visual contact.
Your ashamed...that's understandable
You thought you were stronger than you were to fall for his crap
You thought you could play along and not get sucked in
You know now you couldn't at that time.
NOW you really know where you stood and where you stand now.
Don't let shame and ego destroy the wisdom you obtained