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User Topic: Dating while separated
AndreaL
♀ Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in no way considering this but my girlfriends brought this up to me at dinner tonight. Has anyone gone on dates with someone else, while being separated from their WS?


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 225 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not going to lie. I thought about it but I am still married and it makes me think that I would be committing adultery.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I'm LS, but that still means I'm married. If I were to date now, I would be no better than my cheating H. We would both be adulterers. I refuse to be dirty like him.
I have friends that rugsweep it, but it is still committing adultery.
He and I both made vows in front of family and friends to God. My vows to him are meaningless, but my vows to the Heavenly Father are not.
The D will be final soon enough. No hurry to start dating.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
augustmarie
♀ New Member
Member # 42692
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are trying to work it out, then it's probably a bad idea. If you are moving on, then you are separated, so check what you can legally do while going through divorce proceedings without impacting the result.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too feel as if I would be breaking my vows. Plus I think that I would be a terrible date right now. Not in a good place so why put some poor suspecting guy through that.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think you are either married or you are not. there is no in between. if you are married then you shouldnt be dating.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends, and even my husband, told me to start dating too. But my thought was I was nowhere near ready And I didn't want to break my vows. It felt wrong for me personally. My thought was I was married until the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

It's a good thing I didn't...six months into our separation I started dating my husband again. Four months after that, he moved home. If I had dated someone else, my situation would have been more complicated once we got back together. Hell, we might not have even tried again.


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take on this has always been that if you're physically separated and 100% headed for divorce (papers filed, awaiting court, etc.) with no chance whatsoever of reconciling, I don't personally see it as a moral issue, because for all intents and purposes you are divorced, you're just waiting for the paperwork to catch up. If there is even a .01% chance that you might reconcile, however, then you should probably wait because it wouldn't be fair to the person you're dating.

That being said, you could always pop down into the D/S forum and a great many of them will tell you to wait anyway, just based on reasons of having a healthy recovery before you're really ready for a relationship.

On another note, it's always interesting to see those friends who encourage others to date as soon as it is humanly possible...I think it tends to say a lot about their mentalities in regards to their own relationships, and relationships in general.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but I honestly feel that when you are married you are married and that it is ESSENTIAL to end one relationship before entering another.

I currently have a friend who is separated and within days of the announcement she had moved on and was dating..... it confuses the kids, the soon to be exspouse, the entire family, and I think even her some. She says the M is over, and yet sees the ex and spends time with him..... then it's not really over!

take care of one thing first and then move on to dating- why complicate things unnecessarily????
It's like buying a new house when you haven't sold the old one- it makes life so much harder with two of everything and all the bills and complications that go with that- it's just not worth it.


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I currently have a friend who is separated and within days of the announcement she had moved on and was dating..... it confuses the kids, the soon to be exspouse, the entire family, and I think even her some. She says the M is over, and yet sees the ex and spends time with him..... then it's not really over!
I think this is something to seriously consider.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's different for each person and situation. I do NOT think that, if a person is separated, they are just as bad as a cheating WS. The WS lied, let the BS think things were something they weren't, etc. There is really no comparison imo.

If you're done, and you absolutely know it, the I think started to date when you're ready is the right answer.

The Bible allows for divorce in cases of fidelity, so biblically speaking, the marriage is over when the WS cheats. Legally, if all you're doing is waiting for your day in court, then why wait if you are comfortable and find someone that you find interesting.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Bible allows for divorce in cases of fidelity, so biblically speaking, the marriage is over when the WS cheats. Legally, if all you're doing is waiting for your day in court, then why wait if you are comfortable and find someone that you find interesting.

Yep, I felt very unmarried as soon as I had solid proof that H had stepped out. I did date during my first separation and then we tried to R 18 months late. Well, here I am again, separated. I have no interest in dating now. But I don't see it as cheating if you are separated with the intent to divorce.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, my marriage ended when my WH cheated on me. It was over right then. There is no chance we will R because I'm not putting up with a cheater in my life. The act itself is my deal breaker.

I resent the suggestion that anyone would consider ME to be unfaithful because I'm dating while S and not D. My WH cut my ties for me. As someone above said, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

Regarding anyone down in D/S forum suggesting that ppl shouldn't date until "healed" I think it's kind of them to care but unfair of them to suggest a blanket statement as if it covers everybody.

Ppl are different and only the individual knows if they can be ok dating while separated. When you go over to D/S and they tell you to wait until D or an approx amount of yrs after, it doesn't take into account those ppl that are still an emotional wreck yrs after D. So if you go over there for dating advice and they know you're S only, and they tell you it's best to wait....I want to ask for them to write me up a schedule.

I know it is purely strangers caring about other strangers but if the question isn't SHOULD I be dating while S, then other posters should stick to the topic and not bring it up.

As far as I'm concerned, I've always followed the "rules" of my Italian Catholic upbringing-find a NICE boy, date monogamously, no sex before marriage, no living together until wed, etc-and LOOK where it got me. So I'm done with rules.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are actually other parties to consider.

The ones who wholeheartedly enter into relationships with separated people who say they're ready but actually aren't.

Quite often it's the other parties who suffer when the separated or newly divorced ones freak out a few weeks or months in, triggering on stuff they hadn't anticipated, and then proceed to back out so they can go off alone to finish their unfinished healing process.

I feel for the other parties who *are* ready, who get their hearts broken after the initial lovebombing ends or who get used because the separated ones just needed to get laid and have some fun.

Sucks for them.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that if you're dating someone who seems to be emotionally invested, you have to be careful that you're not dating too soon but me, for example, I'm dating someone who just wants to hang out with me and have sex. Im fine with that!!


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for the other parties who *are* ready, who get their hearts broken after the initial lovebombing ends or who get used because the separated ones just needed to get laid and have some fun.


I agree with this, but the state finally fitting two people onto the court docket doesn't mean that one or both parties are emotionally ready to date.

If a person is ready, and separated, and is divorcing, I don't see it as infidelity. Others may, and they are free to wait until the court has granted the divorce. That doesn't mean another party won't be hurt.

The court and the emotional state of a person aren't related.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, separated is still legally married. Meaning, shouldn't be dating or screwing other people.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9819 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resent the suggestion that anyone would consider ME to be unfaithful because I'm dating while S and not D. My WH cut my ties for me. As someone above said, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

^^^This. Your spouse ended the marriage by cheating. If you have separated with intent to divorce, don't let anybody tell you you're a cheater. That's horseshit.

I have done some dating, and am totally comfortable with that. The Princess knew I was doing it, and I didn't care anyhow - she had already moved on. But here's the important thing: The person you date needs to know you're separated.

As you can see by some of the reactions above, some people have VERY strong feelings on the subject, and you wouldn't want to make a person unwittingly date someone who they think of as married.

Now, are you ready to date? The chances are that you're probably not. The first few times that I dated, I cried while I was walking home. That was a sure sign that I was NOT ready.

Here's the most important thing in my opinion: Are you willing to gently break up with this person right away if you see some red flag behaviour? Also, will it break your heart to do so?

I have adopted the opinion that dates are not for finding my next mate. They're for having some fun. You may trip over someone who eventually becomes your next mate, but that is just a side effect.

I hope some of this helps.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until I'm divorced-I'm married. End of story.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1871 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I have and still am. When he moved out to be with 'the woman he loved' I considered myself single. I have been seeing one man for four years and love him dearly. My husband is nothing but the father of my children. I would have done anything to keep our marriage and family together but he counted it as nothing. I make no excuses for moving on and being happy. My marriage is just a piece of paper now, which only financial and administrative details keep us from shredding.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 44
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