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User Topic: Dating while separated
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But here's the important thing: The person you date needs to know you're separated.

As you can see by some of the reactions above, some people have VERY strong feelings on the subject, and you wouldn't want to make a person unwittingly date someone who they think of as married

This is one of my biggest fears for dating again. Were I to discover that the man I was out with was, in fact, still married, I would be violating one of my most closely held & cherished moral codes. It would devastate me, and honestly I probably would not handle it well. As in, I'd probably become violent. And need another year of therapy.

I don't judge what a separated BS does. One of my new-found friends dated while separated and is still with the new man. I don't have a problem with it. Just for me, personally, there was no way I'd have dated while separated, and no way in hell I would date someone who is only separated.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not.

To me, separated is still married. As a single woman, there is no way in hell I'd even look at a separated man, let alone date him.

When I was separated, I was a mess emotionally, my self-confidence was shot, and I really had no clue where I fit in this world anymore. It takes time to heal after dealing with the breakdown of a marriage, especially if that marriage was long-term. If you enter into the dating game and you're not healed, you're broken. Everybody knows broken attracts broken...which means it's just a matter of time before you're suffering a new heartache.

...just my 2 cents.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My S/D went pretty quickly. I moved out in June of 2010 and was D by March 2011. There was no way I was ready or even considered dating during that period, but it wasn't because I considered myself still M. I just wasn't ready.

I have a friends on the boards who have been S for a LOOOONG time just because of the way their D is drawing out. They date because they are ready to date, just waiting for the D to be final.

You would have to be open and honest about it with the person you considered dating, and you should examine your conscience VERY carefully for the reason that you are dating. You don't want to devastate someone just so you can get your ego kibbles.

Don't base your decision on someone else's moral code, but do formulate your own moral code before impacting someone else's life.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There seem to be those that feel like I do: the marriage is over when the vows are broken. Then, there are those that feel the marriage is over when the court tells them so. Frankly, because my WH broke his vows, that's more important than a body of people who don't know me, telling me some paperwork allows me to move on.

Not divorced=still married only legally; let's not forget my Catholic Church won't even recognize divorce...The law is manmade. I believe my God wouldn't judge me for moving on since I was left holding the rope after my WH cut his end. I'm allowed to drop the rope and hop over it to a new life. Who cares what my state says? Infidelity made my marriage like a game of King of the Mountain. I was the last one standing on the top so I won the game. There's no more to play. Done.

For people who say "take time to heal" ok sure. I agree. Now, you tell me-person who does not know me from Adam- how much time should I take? Gimme a number. What if I said I'm totally good one week from the DDay? What if I tell you I KNOW who I am and I KNOW how I handle trauma? I guarantee there will still be kind souls on SI (and everywhere) telling me I need more time. Ok...how much? But what if I say I'm seeing a guy and I don't cry after and I'm enjoying myself? What then? I guarantee you'll still have people telling you you're pushing your deep emotions down.

I think there should be a STOP sign like over in the wayward section for S ppl who are dating.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gimme a number. What if I said I'm totally good one week from the DDay?

There is no such number, that is for you to figure out. Like SadinAZ said, you need to be open and honest and decide why you need to date so soon.

Who cares what my state says?

You can say once vows are broken the marriage is over but it is a legal contract you both entered. Divorce can be messy and ugly. There are tons of stories on this site alone about how spouses will take every little detail of the other's life and use it as a barb in court.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are fine with dating while separated then you don't need anyone to agree with you to make it valid.

If people saying they don't think it's the right thing to do upsets you, then I would wonder if you really believed it yourself.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? You have to do what's right for you.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1890 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think folks should do what feels right after much introspection, making darn sure to think things through, and any potential person made 100% aware of what the exact situation is. In my situation, I dated almost 9 months after I filed D, with ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of R. Folks can feel the way they do about this, feeling as a MM this is wrong, and what I write rationalizing... I disagree.

I was married by a J.O.P., no religion, but M based on I loved someone dearly who I trusted with my life and heart, and I gave her my word I would not hurt her in the worst possible way as she did... Her completely insane level of gaslighting me, destroying two families with no remorse, how she treated my DD, and flat out lying in many aspects of the divorce procedure, and continual lies throughout the post DD nightmare (such as living with the other POS and of course lying). I was done, and she continued to drag out the D, draining me, and being a total nasty bitch, WANTING to hurt me further.

There was NO WAY IN HELL she would continue to deter my healing, and for me, healing meant enjoying the company of ladies. I was plenty healed enough when I started, continue to be so... my .02...


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillstings, it was a rhetorical question and not one whose answer I'm concerned with hearing from anyone. That's why I'm bothered when ppl say it here. Correct, there isn't a number.
Also, I've remained NC from my WH. He doesn't know I'm dating because I haven't put it anywhere but SI and I'm sure his head is too far up OWs ass to go doing research. I, however, have an email in which he apologizes for committing adultery.


Btraydwife, what upsets me is when someone posts a question on the forum and they are S and dating, and others chime in with "maybe you're not ready" when the original poster wasn't asking for that advice.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Btraydwife, what upsets me is when someone posts a question on the forum and they are S and dating, and others chime in with "maybe you're not ready" when the original poster wasn't asking for that advice.

They are giving that wise advice and asking questions because most of us have BTDT and speak from experience. You don't realize it but grieving is a large part of ending a relationship whether it was healthy or unhealthy. Throwing yourself into something is a way to forget the pain and feel normal. But it's usually a band aid. If you don't take the time to process and accept the situation, the issues will resurface.

I have to know, why so defensive when being told dating is not the best idea so soon? Again like SadinAZ said, why are you wanting to jump into something so quickly? Those reasons are very important and need to be explored.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on the reason you are separated.

Is this a legal, pre-divorce separation, or an "I need some space from you" separation?

I would not date ANYONE until:
1) I was final in my decision about wanting to D. If I still wanted to try R, I would not bring someone else into the whole disaster and further confuse me, and complicate the situation.
2) I personally no longer believe in rebounds. If you haven't even gotten D- how "over" your H and the relationship are you? Do you not deserve to recover and heal from that before jumping right back out there and dating someone else?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still stings,

It seems like you're assuming I haven't grieved and "so soon" sounds like it depends on who you are. Your soon and my soon may be different things. Also, it is unfair for you to assume that I "don't realize" that grieving is a part of the process. I had my sleepless nights, my food less days, my breaking things and screaming. I have my triggers still. But I'm ready to move on because I live on my own timeline. And if my timeline is that I'm ready to date although I'm still batting the complaint for divorce back and forth, then it is what it is.

Maybe, just maybe, it takes different amounts of time for people to do that grieving. Maybe, just maybe, I only needed 4 months. Without knowing me or my relationship dynamics prior to the A, i shouldn't be judged for dating "so soon".

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 6:46 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your words sound very angry & defensive, Jellygirl, especially since I don't think you're the OP. Do you think you're in the "angry" phase that we all cycle through?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Dobegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will not/won't date until the ink is dry. And maybe it still might not happen right away just because of the devastation he has caused me. Yes I do still love him and until I can move past that hurt I will not date.

BTW he will not hold my heart hostage forever!


Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
DDay-11/21/12
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13
Divorcing

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
Stillstings
♀ Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe, just maybe, I only needed 4 months.

To get over a 10 year long relationship? Doubtful. Nature_girl has a good point about the anger phase and that is what I'm seeing as well.

Again, why do you feel the need to date 4 months out? You are dodging the question and if you expect to move on you've got to address that.

Back to the OP, you can decide for yourself but rebounds rarely end well. If anything you are left more confused and hurt than before. Especially during a separation. Like the PP before me said, nothing is final until the ink is dry and anything can happen.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go ahead and date up a storm JG, you totally sound like you know what you're doing. I'll look forward to your updates.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:54 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17493 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my two cents, again. I wouldn't start dating until the ink was dried after divorce and they gave the ok. It has to be final.

My uncle and aunt are/were going through a divorce and before the ink dried he posted his new honey on Facebook.

Might be a bad move, unless, like in my state. If you commit adultery and don't have sex with your spouse after words it can speed the process up quickly.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, nature_girl, I just think that generalizations are made easily when the advice is genuinely in the best interest of the BS.....still, it doesn't mean that the generalization is correct.

It's like, there are people who get married after knowing each other for 3 months. Many of those people get divorce but there are those that have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. So it isn't fair to say that people shouldn't get married after 3 months.

I feel the same about dating after having been cheated on. Just because it is good advice and loving advice to tell someone to wait awhile for "healing" doesn't mean there aren't people who can't go through the grieving process much quicker.


I'm not dodging...why do I feel the need to date four months out? I met this guy, he's extremely attractive, I only ever slept with my WH and this new guy has a big dick. I want to give it a try and see what I've been missing. It's fun and exciting! Lol he lives in the city and seeing him there is fun and adventurous and it's better than sitting around bored. If it were to end tomorrow I'd be upset but I'd get over....I mean, I kicked out my partner of 10 years and haven't looked back so what's some guy I've only known a few months?

And I've asked myself why it feels I've gotten over my ten yr relationship so quickly (which I have discussed with an ACTUAL LICENSED THERAPIST) and the consensus is that I very likely stopped being invested in our relationship long before WHs A. He cheated though, I didn't.

Faith fool, I hope your comment wasn't as tongue-in-cheek as it seems. I will continue to post threads if things go well OR if things go wrong.

Anyway, no more t/j. Sorry.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 7:07 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Mom4ever
♀ Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally can't date till I'm divorced.

But I think there are 2 pieces to divorce. One is the legal aspect and one is the emotional. Again, for me, I want to have both parts of the divorce behind me. I need to be legally divorced and I need to feel divorced in my heart (emotionally). My final court date is set in May. I hope I reach both places close to the same time. But right now, I'm not divorced in either way.


BW - me 43
WH - 46
M - 23 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When Wh and were seperated..I dated. I figured the separation was what I needed to realize that he was trying new things and maybe moving on, and I felt I deserved to know if I could be attracted to other men, and if they were attracted to me. I was clueless while we were married. Totally blind to other men. So...yes. I did. I REALLY learned, I wasn't ready to date, not for real, and if we continued the separation or chose to divorce, then it would be a long time before I would be emotionally ready to handle a real relationship, and that I was actually using the man I dated (went out 2ce) to instill jealousy in WH. So I let him go, and focused right back on myself and getting emotionally healthy.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not dating, although I am talking to other men. The day I threw him out and filed the papers I was done. When you break up with someone there is no waiting period. I broke up with him, done, papers don't mean squat except that I'm not legally bound to him. Doesn't mean anything emotionally. I am in no shape or form cheating. I told him I was done and moving on. He never told me he was screwing someone else. On no is it the same. What if he drags out the divorce for a year? I can't move on because a judge hasn't said I'm divorced? Poo on that!


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 44
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