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User Topic: Any suggestions for my situation?
FeelingLost13
♀ New Member
Member # 42504
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I have never posted on Just Found Out, but my entire story is on the I can relate forum on 2/19/14.

The only update would be that I did answer his petition for divorce with infidelity, which does not seem to have incurred the amount of anger I was anticipating.

The only contact he ever makes is regarding bills, etc. Once I told him that he created all of this damage and he just gets to walk away without dealing with the consequences. His responded that he has to come home to a lonely house filled with broken dreams. He still will not admit to sleeping with the OW.

When their character has become so vindictive and just writes you off as if you never meant anything to them, do they ever come out of this? Is there any hope to save my marriage? I miss my husband so much, but this man is nothing like him.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate input you can provide.


Me: BW-36
WH-39
No children
Together: 15 years Married: 11
DD: 1/7/14
He filed: 1/27/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH years ago even when presented with irrefutable photo evidence still will not admit to his infidelity. He says they were just talking shit. No contact. Yeah right.

Now we are still here today. And he continues and has escalated his activities. Again I will be presenting him with even more damning evidence. Idk what his response will be but I can say - he will not take the blame.

I didn't believe in D. I believed in for better or worse. But now the worse is way hellacious. I have been reading and see that the bible allows for D in the event of adultery. Sink feel that I will not be "damned" bc of it. I will just have to live with me.

Waywards have little regard for the faithful to begin with. He didn't change. You expected more bc of vows.

Hugs and strength. You will need it.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same questions as you. I guess all we can do is live OUR lives how we feel we can achieve the most happiness & whatever happens on their end happens. There is no knowing what Wil eventually happen. I know, I want to hear the answers that it'll all work out too.

HUGS. I'm sorry your husband is apparently like mine. It sucks to be disposable.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
Leia
♀ Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeelingLost,
My STBXWH told me that he "didn't hate" me. I still have no clue what that means, but my IC and I discussed it and it seems to mean that he has moved on to someone else. Like damnUnicorns said, it does suck to be disposable and married to someone who doesn't take his vows seriously. Sorry you're in this mess, and it does really mess with us who do take our vows seriously.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I can't say it looks hopeful but it is all on him. He leaves you with little choice.

I didn't read your story post but I'm going to make a few guesses about your husband. I'm seeing similarities in mine and want to ask you about them. Are these true?

1. He is a people pleaser-although right now you don't seem to count as a person to him. He has done this in the past to his own detriment and/or the detriment of your marriage.

2. He's a perfectionist.

3. No matter what he has done with his life, he feels he's not been the person he was supposed to be.

4. He has unbalanced loyalty issues ie- he remains loyal to relationships(with people, groups, cultures, jobs) that incur a cost for him and have little if any benefit. Like a friend who always "forgets" to bring his wallet to lunch. The idea behind this is that it builds resentment in him but he never speaks up about it.

5. He is a nice guy and people would find his affair behavior to be shocking.

6. He comes from a family who rugsweeps. (can't handle having, expressing or working through "bad" feelings)

7. He's in some way the family's Golden Child probably because he is very intelligent.

8. He lives a lifestyle that is very different from that of his parents and he makes more money then they did.

9. He is a conflict avoider, although again, all this is of his doing and it creates a huge conflict.

My husband was all of these things. As painful as his As were, they were nothing compared to what he was willing to do/say to cover them up. I felt personally attacked by him and he used every way possible to get me to stop searching for and exposing the truth of his actions.

This man is very, very broken inside. Right now losing his family, marriage, lifestyle, and financial level is less painful than facing what's going on inside of him.

He is a coward in every sense of the word. Running away instead of facing you. You represent what he is doing is bad and he must reject you in order to maintain his vision of himself.

His low self esteem isn't new, in fact it's what is behind all of this. Before his A it would seem he had no reason to feel badly about himself but he does.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just move on.....he filed for divorce because he had an affair....do not let him say ehat that was not the reason .....he wanted out...wanted another woman...was not considerate of your feelings...at this point have no contact with him,let the lawyers do it,,,,this is the time he will use ,if you let him, to convince you that it happened because you grew apart,that it was not because he had an affair,do not believe him ,but better NC will be best----you should let him know that even though there were problems you never violated his trust,you never betrayed your vows or him,and you were willing to work on the marriage....ending it was his doing ,his decision,due to another woman,and nothing more.he is just like all his other co-workers,,,,move on ,there is no love for you from this man,he is too selfish and he does not care about your welfare.....take care of yourself

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let him have his way! Make no mistake karma will bite him on the ass some day. He'll get consequences somewhere down the road. From my own experience it Does no good to try & change their minds or to reason with them about you feeling disgarded or how immoral his behavior is because he's all about him. He broke the dream not you. He had other options if he was unhappy. He has the option to change, work on himself & win you back. It's out of your hands now. He may come back he may not but you are what matters now. Work on yourself & detach from him. You matter.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss my husband so much, but this man is nothing like him.

Or, is it, "...but this man is not who I used to think he was."

Or....."...but I've seen a side I never knew existed. If I had known that this side of him existed, I probably wouldn't have married him. If I had known that this side could become a dominant part of his life, I definitely wouldn't have married him."


I'm going to go and read your thread in ICR and will come back with a more specific set of thoughts.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

,,,just read your profile. Which forum in ICR did you post in?

In any case, after reading your profile I can see your situation. Geez.

You said this is your profile:

I feel that he should have told me how he felt about our marriage before it was too late (in his mind) to work on it, that he should never gotten involved with OW. I now know that lots of people go through this.

I have trouble deciding whether my husband is having a MLC or if this is just an exit affair.

The first paragraph is true. He should have stayed closer to you and communicated better and given you an earlier heads up, etc., but that's not what he did. Instead, he drifted.

The second paragraph is a good question. I'm not a therapist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, so here's what it seems like to me. Your H does seem like he is having a MLC. He's questioning his chosen career path, his long time relationship.....his entire life. Unfortunately, he didn't bring you along on his MLC journey. He's grown his hair longer, toned-up his body, bought his convertible Porsche (so to speak) and asked his younger assistant to hop in the passenger seat for the reckless, fast-driving ride. You've been the equivalent of a parent calling him occasionally on his cell phone, during his MLC joy ride.

So, what to do? Here are three options:

1. The obvious: Divorce him and move through the pain as you eventually heal.

2. The inadvisable: Hang around the edges, divorced or not, and hope that the Porsche either crashes (and he's safe) or loses it's appeal and he returns to real life.

3. The outrageously inadvisable: Ask him if you can go for a ride in the Porsche. (...which means to outdo his current MLC passenger and outdo her in the biggest of ways. Offer to sell everything, quit jobs, embrace the MLC fully, travel to the ends of the Earth, doctor to needy kids in Haiti, rent yachts in the south of France, eat at five star restaurants in Paris, completely blow it out......with only one rule....it's just you, the dog and him on this trip....no passengers.....no one else allowed in.)


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
FeelingLost13
♀ New Member
Member # 42504
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all of the support.
Betrayed Wife-I will answer your questions tonight.

NMAI- He texted me yesterday that he did give his notice at his job. I have mixed feelings about this, since we had decided this was best before all of this happened. I am surprised, however, bc since he will losing half of assets in the D and this job pays much higher than many others, I thought he would stick it out to recoup some of his losses.

I am about to go see him to get our pet but plan on acting happy to see her and then just leaving.

I have written a letter to his parents explaining my side of the story. Any thoughts on this?

I posted in ICR-BS questions for WS part 8
Thanks!


Me: BW-36
WH-39
No children
Together: 15 years Married: 11
DD: 1/7/14
He filed: 1/27/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are fully entitled to tell your side of the story,to his parents or anyone else. His parents will likely rationalize in his favor, since he is their son and they won't want to believe he could do this, etc.

Leaving his high-paying job is a big deal, but it would fit with the MLC theory.

...glad you're getting your dog. At least there's a ray of sunshine right now.

Good luck today. Hold your head high.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you are getting the dog. ((feeling))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
FeelingLost13
♀ New Member
Member # 42504
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This just gets worse and worse. I went to get our dog from WH and he actually brought the OW with him! He drives her around in our car.

For once, I actually got angry instead of being sad. I told him that I couldn't believe he brought his girlfriend with him. That they deserved each other. That removing his ring and divorcing me in his mind does not mean he's not married to me anymore. I told him he was disgusting. He actually had this dumbfounded look on his face, like he hadn't considered that bringing her might not be a good idea or that I might be angry.

He then said, again, she's not his girlfriend, just a friend. Then later texted me that he felt he needed a witness.
I can't even believe that this is what my lovely, happy life has turned into.

Betrayed wife-
1. No, he is not a people pleaser in any way.
2. Yes, in a lot of ways. He's very meticulous.
3. I gather that this is true based on him originally saying he didn't like who he is.
4. This is a hard one. I think the answer is no. I think it is easy for him to focus on himself and only do what works for him. See #6.
5. Very true
6. His family actually is very small and none of them get along. They have all written each other off. He had always been disappointed in them and tried to model himself to NOT be like them. But, after we had been married for 7 years, he did write off one of the most important members in his family. They had one fight and then were both done with each other for good. I remember thinking if he could do that to her, it would be terrible for him to get mad with me. Now I know exactly what that feels like.
7. Very true
8. Very true
9. I would say no to this. In work situations, he is very quick to address any issues. With our marriage, previously, I would also have said no. But since he tries to say he's been unhappy for two years and I know that he never addressed ANY issues with me during this time, I guess this should now be a YES.

[This message edited by FeelingLost13 at 9:22 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BW-36
WH-39
No children
Together: 15 years Married: 11
DD: 1/7/14
He filed: 1/27/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people find it useful to think of their husband as dead. This new WH may look like him, but he is not the man you fell in live with. And hoping he will revert to his old loving self is only a recipe for giving yourself more pain.

I'm sorry he can't even admit the affair and brought her for the dog drop-off. He is far far gone. Keep moving forward with what is best for you and he can catch up later if he sees what a fool he has been. A MLC is no excuse and you can't use it as a justification to lessen his betrayal.


Hugs and strength to you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.

I know he told you that he put in notice at work. He and the OW work together. You need to out them to HR at work.

Then out him to everyone you can.

He seems scared of people knowing but this is not your secret to keep. If he wants this then people should know about it.



Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
FeelingLost13
♀ New Member
Member # 42504
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed Wife--

I have actually tried to report her to HR aas this is her 2nd affair in less than 6 months (the other was with my friends husband) but was told that unless they're caught in the act at work, they don't do anything about it. He is not an employee and his partners are worse than him so nothing will happen to him. I was adamant about trying to get her fired though, bc I am a lot more independent than most physician wives. I have my own career and I don't have children so I sort of saw myself as the one who needed to try to make repercussions known to these OP who think nothing of participating in destroying families for their own selfish wants.

My plan is to call my L tomorrow to tell him to be aggressive as possible now. I have tried and tried to be the better person and take the high road but I can't take having to see him every weekend to share our pet.

One of the responses from what I had posted on the ICR forum had suggested that since WH filed for D, he probably wasn't in a fog. But the look on his face today looked exactly like a foggy person would look like. How could he have been surprised that I would be furious with him bringing OW to the exchange? And what is the deal about minimizing their relationship when he called it an affair at other times? I feel like it is just all mind games. He constantly texts me that I think I know everything about everyone but I am wrong. How can going on a vacation, sleeping at her house, my dog being at her house, and bringing her today, be construed as a "friend"? They are unbelievable.

It is disgusting, bc so far, he has had to suffer very few consequences for his actions. I will be sending the letter to his parents and have finally told some friends the truth. Any thoughts on sending a letter to OW parents as she is single?

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the rant. I'm finally getting some anger, which for me is a good thing.


Me: BW-36
WH-39
No children
Together: 15 years Married: 11
DD: 1/7/14
He filed: 1/27/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure about sending the OW's parent's a letter just yet. Can your attorney respond to his filing that you plan to subpoena the OW during the trial to prove marital funds were used for their affair?

I think if it's possible that would shock them both more than a letter to her parents. She'll just tell them you are crazy. It doesn't mean I wouldn't still consider it but see if you can do something more meaningful to expose her first.

That sucks the HR doesn't care. I'm impressed that you tried several times. Are you possibly in a state that allows suing for alien of affection?

Is there some sort of work related association the whore is a member of? There has to be a way at this whore since you have 2 wives who would like to expose her. Hopefully your attorney would have some other ideas.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeelingLost,


Personally - I'd hire a Private Investigator to PROVE your WH is (and has been) using Marriage Funds to live with OW during his affair.

I'd also check and see if you can file Allienation of Affection charges against the OW in your State. If you can...I'd probably VERBALLY tell my WH I'm seriously thinking about suing his little girlfriend - and watch him squirm. I'm not sure if I'd actually do it...but it would be fun to watch my WH and his OW SQUIRM a bit!!!

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
FeelingLost13
♀ New Member
Member # 42504
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, thank you for all the support. It helps so much to have people that really understand help me through this.

Betrayed wife-outing her to her licensing board was a good idea. I hadn't thought of it, but when I called they said I could file a complaint but they wouldn't do anything since it didn't affect patient care.

Dare2Trust-Unfortunately I don't live in a state that allows for alienation of affection or where infidelity is a "crime", which sucks because the other states we've lived in do.

undonelife-I hope you're right about karma and consequences down the road bc right now it feels like I'm the only one suffering.


Me: BW-36
WH-39
No children
Together: 15 years Married: 11
DD: 1/7/14
He filed: 1/27/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 19

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