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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the world I made
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After three years trying to R my gentle, sweet, loving wife threw a wine glass at me last night. Just at my leg, so it broke against my jeans and didn't cause any real harm. There is absolutely no history of this behavior from her. She is not this person. This is what I created by my shitty decisions, but at the same time, I'm so angry at her for doing that and I can't even think straight. I left to stay with my parents to clear my head and calm down.

Three years where if you ask me I'll say I've reevaluated everything and committed to saving this marriage and showing that I value her above all else. If you ask her, I've done nothing. Obviously there is a disconnect, but neither of us can see where it is. We've had to stop MC for a while because I've found myself unemployed, so there's no mediation.

She feels that I've checked out, and to some degree she's right. I've grown so weary of being committed to R while having to hear that she's still deciding if she wants to R or not...for three years. Am I being unrealistic in thinking that after three years there should either be a 100% commitment to R or a decision to D? She tells me that i broke it so i have to fix it. I try, but ive seen in these forums that while it only take one person to break the marriage, R requires two. Do i have that wrong? Its gotten to the point where we're just pushing each others buttons and arguments escalate wildly.

I just really need some help and insight. I'm losing her and I don't know what to do from here. She can't get past the anger and sadness that I caused her. She can't see me as anything other than the person who hurt her. I can't find a way to not be hurt when I am defined over and over only by the worst thing I've ever done.

She used to be sweet, kind, loving, supportive and hopeful. Now she's just angry. Because of my dumb ass.

I dont want to give up, but I don't want either of us to hurt anymore.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

longroadhome,

No stop sign so...

As a BS ( two years into R) I can tell you that the feelings your wife is having are the same feelings I have.

She used to be sweet, kind, loving, supportive and hopeful. Now she's just angry. Because of my dumb ass.

My fWH has said the same about me. I can tell you that I really want to be that woman again, and I don't know your wife but I think it's reasonable to assume that she would like to be that woman again too.

I dont want to give up, but I don't want either of us to hurt anymore.

Then don't give up! Keep trying! And don't wait until she begins to slip back into the abyss to go to her and wrap your arms around her, and tell her how wonderful she is and how grateful you are that she is trying so hard to save your relationship.

Just my two cents.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

go to her and wrap your arms around her, and tell her how wonderful she is

She doesn't allow this. She pulls away from physical contact. Maybe TMI, but she hasn't been able to let me touch her in ANY way for seven months now.

I do appreciate what you're saying, toughernow, and I thank you for taking the time to help. BS insight is so valuable because the BSs here are often able to tell us WSs the things that our own BS is unable to.

she would like to be that woman again too.

She has said this as well. I feel that she's just really having an awful time with it. I would love for her to be able to forgive me just so she can let go of this terrible anger and pain. It won't make me feel any better about how horribly I've treated her, but I wish more than anything for her to get some relief from all of this.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this for the long haul, and I refuse to give up. No matter how hard it gets, what I'm going through is nothing compared to what I've done to Mrs LRH. My greatest hope is that we come out the other side of this with our marriage intact, but the only thing that's important to me these days is her happiness...whatever that means to her...and I will do everything in my power to help her get there.

This is from your profile. It doesnt jive with:

She feels that I've checked out, and to some degree she's right. I've grown so weary of being committed to R while having to hear that she's still deciding if she wants to R or not...for three years.

Dude, this is a process. You shit on your marriage, on her. There are ups and downs. Add in the stress of being unemployed, no MC, and you admittedly checking out. You can't check out! No matter how small. You're not working right now, so step up the work on your marriage. Read like crazy, work on you. Help her, no matter how small, show her she's important. Play with your kids. Etc.

Yeah, there are times that I still wonder if my marriage is salvageable. Usually when he's slacking off, in a comfortable groove. I don't ever want to be taken for granted again.

Also, in your profile you state you should have stayed and fought for her. Yet, you left again last night. Yes, she was angry, she never should have thrown the glass. But you emotionally abandoned her again.



BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read like crazy, work on you. Help her, no matter how small,

I still do all if this. The checking out, from what I understand of what she's trying to tell me, is that I'm not doing a good job wooing her. I have tried, but when I do it tends to "bounce off" because of how much pain she's in.

Many of outpr conversations lately have had to do with her needing space and time away from me. Under the circumstances and considering how angry she was, I thought it was a good time to give her space. Maybe that was a bad call, and I'll have to deal with the fallout from that.

Thank you, Kelany


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you trying to woo her? Maybe you can get some suggestions for that.

Have you read anything from John Gottman? Not about infidelity but marriage?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gottman sounds familiar, but I don't remember from where. I did read Relationship Rescue (actually...audio book) along with Hartley and a bunch of other stuff about marriage, infidwlity and seld improvment and I've been following the steps laid out in Infidelity Crisis, which primarily talks about showing kindness over the long term with the hope that it helps the anger and sadnessnto fade. That said, I certainly wasn't showing kindness in the face of her anger last night.

I would love some suggestions on how to woo her. She doews not let me hug her and she tends to brush off compliments of any kind. I really think that, in addition to the fact that I'm not very good a wooing her, she also has a hard time letting me woo her.

I'm making so many mistakes I can't stand myself.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love for her to be able to forgive me just so she can let go of this terrible anger and pain. It won't make me feel any better about how horribly I've treated her, but I wish more than anything for her to get some relief from all of this.

Have you told her this? Try writing it in a note if she won't let you hold her.

I have seen the pain on my fWH's face when he can't "reach me" emotionally. All I can say is it's like; if you had a knife sticking out of your arm and you were in excruciating pain, and you noticed that the person sitting across from you also had a knife sticking out of their arm, would you be able to focus on the other persons pain...or is it far more likely that your own pain would somehow block your ability to empathize with the other person. Now add to this scenario the fact that the person sitting across from you is the one who inflicted those painful wounds.

It sounds like you really want a second chance to make things right, the question is do you have the endurance to see it through?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[This message edited by toughernow at 1:20 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you toughernow. Yes, I have told her that. She has used many analogies similar tomyours tontry to describe her state of mind to me.

It just feels like everything that I know to do to show her I care does not get through, and so its on me to figure something else out. I'm just having so much trouble with it and I feel like I'm failing her all over again.

I'm having so much trouble just working upnthe will to go home and make it right because I'm still angry about the wine glass. I guess I should practice what I preach and just let it go.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3-5 years.

She may be on the 5 year program, which means your R will be on that timeframe along with it.

Sorry to hear that you had to stop MC, and I am sure the added stress of your unemployment isn't helping the healing process.

My FWH and my kids during all of year 3 would have described me as being hard, tough love, too direct, and not at all what I "used" to be. Part of that new me, is here to stay. The part that doesn't take shit and says what she needs and wants, and won't accept excuses. But some of the softness and laughter has certainly returned.

Because we are both committed to R, I have every intention of riding out any bumps well through year 5. I know that this timeline of 3-5 years wasn't pulled out of the air arbitrarily.

This new world you made, has an average life span of 3-5 years. Maybe you could try to think of it this way, when the going gets tough. The other stresses in your life may be adding on to this.

Patience and effective communication are your best friends right now.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hard, tough love, too direct, and not at all what I "used" to be.

Oh, yes. Exactly this. If I say something that could be interpreted in more than one way, she will jump on the most negative interpretation. I understand that its about keeping herself safe.

Because we are both committed to R, I have every intention of riding out any bumps well through year 5

This is the trick...BOTH being committed to R. I've been very vocal about my commitment and she tends to be very vocal about being undecided. Again, probably has more to do with keeping herself feeling safe.

Thank you, refuz2bavictim


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just feels like everything that I know to do to show her I care does not get through,

Maybe it is getting through...perhaps not as quickly or as completly as you would like. I think we all come into R with this timeline in our minds as to how R is going to play out, and how long it will take for us to get through it...but what we all seem to find out is that there is no exact formula for. R. We are all unique human beings and this is a "process" as Kelany so wisely pointed out. You may be doing everything "right" and she needs more time to heal.

I'm having so much trouble just working upnthe will to go home and make it right because I'm still angry about the wine glass.

I can only speak for myself here, but the one thing that I fear the most as a BS is being abandoned. When fWH would walk away from me to focus on his pain...that's when he failed me.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been very vocal about my commitment and she tends to be very vocal about being undecided. Again, probably has more to do with keeping herself feeling safe.

BINGO!


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When fWH would walk away from me to focus on his pain...that's when he failed me.

Wow, that just hit me like a hammer to the heart. Thank you, toughernow. That was very helpful.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You absolutely did the right thing by temporarily leaving the situation. She physically assaulted you. Reacting to that with anger is a normal, human reaction, and I can totally see why you felt that way.

This is what I created by my shitty decisions

Respectfully disagree. Her choices are her own, and she needs to take responsibility for them. Three years or three weeks after DDay, violence is never acceptable. If you were a WW, posters would be screaming "abuse" or advising you to call the police.

I can't find a way to not be hurt when I am defined over and over only by the worst thing I've ever done.

LRH, your pain and sadness is valid. Sharing your feelings with BW is a necessary component for R. Both of you need to foster a safe environment in which feelings can openly be shared.

I guess I should practice what I preach and just let it go.

Are you preaching that? If you're expecting her to "just let it go" when something bothers her, instead of expressing her feelings to you...well, that's a problem. I guess I'm repeating myself, but it bears repeating. In a healthy M, both partners must feel safe expressing their feelings. With words.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you preaching that

Well, kind of. I often express to her that I hope that she can let go of the anger and hurt eventually. She's told me that the things I say sometimes sound like I'm telling her to get over it. I'm really not trying to say that. I think the truth lies somewhere between how i say things and how she hears them.

I have honestly never been that angry at her before, so i didnt know what to do other than leave. I hate that I've probably made her feel abandoned again.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having so much trouble just working upnthe will to go home and make it right because I'm still angry about the wine glass. I guess I should practice what I preach and just let it go.

Really? A wine glass? You break her heart into pieces, break her trust, break her self esteem, break her life, break her peace, break her memories, and on and on, and you are withholding because of a wine glass?

You know why she tells you she does not know if she is all in for R? She is watching you. She was all in your marriage while you checked out for emotional strokes and sex with someone else. She does not yet feel safe with you and it is affecting her R.

As far as changing her, yes, the A has changed her. I read a post on SI once that compared feelings after DDay to feeling as if all the butterflies had died. Your BW will never be the same. I know her anger because I feel it. I have never felt the hate and anger in my 50+ years that I have felt in the past 3 years. We are 3 years, almost to the day, past DDay, and I still feel anger at times because of the sheer uselessness of the A that has brought us to this place. I am angry that the peaceful days I spent my life looking forward to are not going to happen. When you are blindsided by an A, peace in a relationship dies. Your BW may learn to live with her new life, but she is still in mourning for her old self, her old life, and her old H. You may feel like you are a new H, but you are not shiny, unused new. You are recycled and your BW may still be having a hard time accepting that.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1396 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read the 5 love languages? Maybe you're having trouble wooing her because you're not speaking HER love language and only speaking yours.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I have forgiven my husband. I still feel anger, hurt and pain. Sometimes a lot, sometimes less. Forgiveness doesn't mean all that magically goes away.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really? A wine glass? You break her heart into pieces, break her trust, break her self esteem, break her life, break her peace, break her memories, and on and on, and you are withholding because of a wine glass?

lovedyoumore- I think I've been clear that I take responsibility for her state of mind. If not, then consider it clarified now. It sounds like your saying that I should accept that I deserve to have something thrown at me. I suppose that we WSs deserve to be called names regularly and be verbally run down, hell maybe we even deserve to be hit if that's what the BS needs in the moment to help them heal?

Yes, I'm angry about the wine glass. I'm not absolving myself of my responsibility for her pain by being angry. As 20wrongs pointed out, she decides her actions, even if I am responsible for the pain and anger she feels. I just happen to think that this particular decision was wrong and I'm upset about it.

I don't know, folks...am I wrong here?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
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