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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the world I made
refuz2bavictim
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Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest, she was quicker to express that what she did was wrong than many people on here were, and she not only apologized (as did I for my behavior) but she did it in my love language (the hug.)

Which is why, when it really comes down to it, this isn't the real focus. It's not ok. But it's not the focus. Who is more wrong about what is a time waster when you consider the big picture.

It probably won't surprise you that, I slapped my FWH across the face on Dday. I watched my own hand rise up and make contact as though I had no control. I did, but it certainly seemed as though I was an observer, though it was my hand, under my control. I was as shocked as he was.
First and last time. We had never laid a hand on one another, and up to that point, I had not been the type of person to express my emotions physically. His response to his challenges was to have an A. My response to the hurt of the A was (for a moment) a slap. Bad responses all around, not to be compared.

He allowed me to marinate in my own wrong doing, until I came to him with an apology. He like you, felt he deserved it, until I told him that this was not true.

I will say that he never used that incident to shift focus from the main issue. And while my behavior was mine, he was too busy worrying about his. The ownership of my behavior had little to do with his ownership of his. Each was handled separately.

At the time, his lack of reaction, no anger, no call for me to atone, deflated the shit out of my indignant anger. His patience, allowed me to understand better. My apology was driven by me.


At any rate, it sounds that since the initial event you have both done some communicating. No need to rush. Cut out the booze for while maybe. That should help.

Good luck to you both in your journey to R.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a person, when mentally shaken, is capable of things that they aren't normally capable of
.

Agree with this. I also hit my husband on DDay1. By Dday2 I was not surprised and much calmer and just asked for a divorce. I will leave him if I ever hit him again. I would not be a safe person to be with.

Speaking as a wayward, at 4 years out, my husband still has fits of anger. We are both trying to recover and are 100% committed to recovery. Yet, we still don't know if we will stay married so I'm not sure you should be too worried when your wife says she's still unsure.

We are giving it all we can. But that doesn't mean we'll be successful.

What waywards do is such a big thing that it can't be ignored. it's the elephant in the room for a long long long time. I don't think many waywards get that. What we did is life changing for both spouses, soul changing for the BS most likely. Patience and humility are needed....

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:07 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
longroadhome
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Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast

I think you may have misinterpreted some of the comments

No...it was six responses in this thread before anybody even addressed that a wine glass broke against my leg. I'm not trying to demonize my W at all here, just trying to point out that the consensus initially was that it was no big deal...and again in another thread which I will not specifically point to (my W and I still don't want to have everyone know who our spouses are on here - I know that some of you have obviously figured it out) it was very specifically stated that I should get over it. I believe the phrase "poor baby" was used sarcastically. A guide on this forum did say what I mentioned in my other post. I am not here to name names and am only pointing out these things to make the point that, even if unconsciously, WSs are expected to let things roll off of our backs that nobody would expect of anyone else in any kind of relationship.

and refuz2bavictim

He allowed me to marinate in my own wrong doing, until I came to him with an apology

This is exactly what I did, I just did it from a place where neither of us could escalate anything further. And, BTW, I went home and apologized first for leaving, then she immediately apologized for what she did and we hugged for a good long tme. I acknowledge that there is more to this.

Once again, my W is not a violent person, this is out of character for her in a big way, she owns it, she did not mean for the glass to hit me and she knows that I do understand where the anger comes from and that I own that.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachaelc

Patience and humility are needed....

Agreed. This is actually something that I specifically said to my W last night - that I'm not doing well with humility and I need to change how I'm handling when she gets angry.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is Wayward Side, and LRH posted here looking for support and guidance. I'm sorry he got so little.

I've read through this thread, and without doing so again, I think you may have misinterpreted some of the comments. I didn't see anyone saying that throwing the glass was ok, or that you deserved it.

painfulpast, what is your point? His interpretation is valid. So are his feelings. Unlike you, I did read through the thread again. Not one poster validated LRH's feelings. Not one poster said, "I can see why you'd be angry about that." The few posters who mentioned it said "she was wrong to throw the glass...but." LRH was accused of "abandoning" his BW. Not one poster gave him credit for peacefully ending the conflict by stepping away from a dangerously-heated situation that both partners created.

I just think that many of the posters here may have been painted with a brush that says that a WS must accept anything a BS feels like doing.

So what? This isn't their thread. It's LRH's. Most of the posters have empathized with his BW. This isn't her thread. It's LRH's. He's been diplomatic and gracious in the face of almost unanimous criticism. If his behavior in this thread is any indication of how he handles conflict with his BW, he's on the right track.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a different way of looking at the same comments. I thought he was perhaps getting frustrated with SI, or at least some of the posters, and maybe there was a different way to see it.

He's already responded to my comments. It didn't seem like such an issue to him. I'm sorry you want this to be more than me thinking there may be more than one way to see something.

I was clear that there was no justifying abuse.

As you said, it's LRH's thread, and he responded to me, in a respectful manner.

Thank you.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20wrongs and painfulpast

What you're both saying has a lot of validity, which is exactly my point in posting some of the things I have. I think there is an important debate to be had here.

And please, nobody think that I'm painting all BSs with the same brush. I am guilty of generalizing a bit, mostly because it requires fewer words and I'm sure you've all noticed that I'm capable of some interesting typos.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just really need some help and insight. I'm losing her and I don't know what to do from here. She can't get past the anger and sadness that I caused her. She can't see me as anything other than the person who hurt her. I can't find a way to not be hurt when I am defined over and over only by the worst thing I've ever done.

She used to be sweet, kind, loving, supportive and hopeful. Now she's just angry. Because of my dumb ass.

I dont want to give up, but I don't want either of us to hurt anymore.

This is the part of LRH's post that I concentrated on. Because this was the part of the post where he was asking for help.There was no stop sign so I shared my thoughts as a BS...the only perspective I have really. I reread through my responses and respectfully 20wrongsVs1 I can't see where I invalidated his feelings.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
SpotlessMind
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Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LRH--

It looks like you've received lots of feedback already.

I just wanted to chime in and say that I'm sorry you and your BS had to experience such a heated argument. Those are so rough. Like others have mentioned--throwing a glass at you is absolutely not ok, and I think leaving to keep things from escalating was a very good choice.

My husband and I have had our share of heated arguments, and both of our ICs suggested that one of us physically remove ourselves before they escalate. In order to prevent any feelings of abandonment, the partner who leaves is to hand the other partner a pre-written note, that says something like, "I'm leaving for a short time because I am afraid of the hurtful things we might say while we are angry. I love you." This really helped us bc before that, my husband might storm out saying he was "done." I would think he meant he was done with our relationship, when what he meant was he was done with the argument at that time.

As for your BS not feeling your work/commitment--I can relate to that as well, as there are definitely moments when I worry my husband is becoming a little complacent. When this happens to me, the way I really feel better is by doing my own work, because that is something I can control.

The other thing i noticed is that my husband is much more likely to do "the work" when I tell him exactly what that work looks like to me. Does your wife have any specific things she's requesting of you, and if so, are you willing to do them? If she just has a vague sense of "you need to do more"--well, that's a tough one. Needs usually need to be articulated before they can be met.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 11:42 AM, March 9th (Sunday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I reread through my responses and respectfully 20wrongsVs1 I can't see where I invalidated his feelings.

For the record, I did not feel invalidated. In fact, I think I went out if the way to validate my own feelings a couple of times.

All input is welcome and appreciated. I really do believe there's an important topic in play here.

Please keep the comments coming...


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just really need some help and insight. I'm losing her and I don't know what to do from here. She can't get past the anger and sadness that I caused her. She can't see me as anything other than the person who hurt her. I can't find a way to not be hurt when I am defined over and over only by the worst thing I've ever done.

In my other post I was hoping to answer the above issue for you. I was not condoning anything. I felt you had started to deflect away from your request for insight about her anger by focusing on the wine glass incident. The glass being thrown was a response, not very mature, but a response to something. We have no idea what was going on or why your argument escalated, but she lost control. I did not feel your original post was asking for apologies or sympathy for the glass being thrown at you or whether we thought it was right or wrong. You started asking what you could do for your wife and then made it about you.

Back to the above quote. I have no idea if you had a complete confessional DDay or if you had a long, drawn out DDay with multiple TT additions. You know that R is not a linear progression. Within the general stages some of us require a few side trips to evaluate our lives. The biggest mistake you can make right now is to stand in front of her, tapping your foot, while waiting for her to move on. You do not want to be defined your A. I understand that and maybe someday your wife will be able to look at you without that in front of her. Right now her reality and yours has the A front and center because she has unhealed wounds. Give her unconditional love without a time frame. In her reality, given the A trauma, time has been suspended. Do not define her for the worst thing she has ever done either.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1454 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
longroadhome
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Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a pre-written note, that says something like, "I'm leaving for a short time because I am afraid of the hurtful things we might say while we are angry. I love you."

This^^^is freakin' awesome!


The other thing i noticed is that my husband is much more likely to do "the work" when I tell him exactly what that work looks like to me. Does your wife have any specific things she's requesting of you, and if so, are you willing to do them? If she just has a vague sense of "you need to do more"--well, that's a tough one. Needs usually need to be articulated before they can be met

We've had this discussion and, unfortunately, no, she doesn't have specific needs that she's expressing. Shell point out what she doesn't like, but she doesn't know what she needs instead. She's not doing it on purpose. I actually think that one of the things that she needs is to not have to tell me, for me to figure out on my own whatbto change.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt you had started to deflect away from your request for insight about her anger by focusing on the wine glass incident

I really didn't mean to, but I can understand how you could think that.

My shift to the incident was more about the general theme of WSs being expected to not have a reaction to an incident like this. I'm really no trying to whine about not feeling validated here. As my W and I resolved the situation, I was just finding it interesting to examine how this was responded to.

I stand by the statement that if a BS posted the same opening sentences that I did in the General forum, it would have been ALL about the wine glass. In fact if a couple unaffected by As had one partner tell their friends that info from my first post, I suspect that the Wine glass would be the primary topic.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LRH, I read your thread last night and refrained from commenting to see how things panned out(well, that and I had consumed my own share of adult beverages). I was impressed by your reactions and dismayed by hers. Anger? OK, violence? NEVER!

There is absolutely no history of this behavior from her. She is not this person.

she did not really intend to hurt me.

Damn do those sound familiar.

my wife is not a violent person.

??? Will she be seeking IC to discover why she is escalating?

Again, nice job defusing the situation.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2721 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will she be seeking IC to discover why she is escalating?

Not sure. MC has worked much better for her than IC, and we do have that little unemployment issue to contend with.

I was impressed by your reactions and dismayed by hers

To be fair, she has apologized and shown genuine regret for having reacted that way, and she did very much feel abandoned by me when I left. That's a big trigger for her. Nobody was the 100% good guy, nobody was the 100% bad guy.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LRH, I think you're correct. I think, on some other message boards, you would have gotten those responses even with your background known.

I'm not justifying abuse. It's an inappropriate way to handle a situation, regardless of the type of abuse.

But -

I believe the reason you don't get those reactions on SI is that all members are affected by infidelity. The members either were involved in an A, or or we had a spouse that was in an A. Either way, we are all from ground zero in the world of A. That doesn't change the acceptance of violence. It does, however, give us each a much more intimate knowledge of the damage an A can cause to the BS. A damaged person is often treated with kid gloved in certain scenarios.

I'm going to post a few examples for effect. I am NOT saying that a WS is equal to the people in these examples:

A young man is walking down the street. He sees an older man on the other side of the road. He runs across the street, causing traffic to screech to a halt. He tackles the man and begins punching him. A few other men run over and grab the young man off of the old man.

The young man is wrong. You cannot go beating people. You want him arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law for assault. You then discover that this man raped this young man's 5 year old daughter. The beating is still not justified, but suddenly there is compassion and understanding for this young man.

An middle aged woman is walking through a parking lot and sees a man her own age headed to his car in the lot. She runs behind the man's car, refusing to let him back out. She is screaming and demanding he get out. He is clearly a little afraid and starts his car. She climbs on the trunk and is still screaming obscenities. He tries to back out with the woman on his car. She grabs something from her purse, puts it just about inside his drivers side window and suddenly she's spraying him with mace. You and a crowd are standing around, watching this woman lose her mind, screaming. You're all laughing a little and trying to figure out just what this man did. There are guesses - he cheated, he dumped her, he dumped her while owing her money, etc. The whole crowd is waiting to see just what this guy did to cause this woman to attack him. The police arrive and arrest her. You all then discover that this man did nothing. They don't know each other. She is a dangerous person that needs help.

You see, there are certain scenarios where we almost assume that a physical attack can occur. We all know violence is not the answer, in any way. But, we also know human nature, and certain things can push someone to a place they normally would never go. Conversely, violence is condemned because the woman I discussed, whom everyone assumed had been wronged, had done nothing. Until that was announced, all of the bystanders assumed that there was something that had pushed her, and while the reaction was not appropriate, it wasn't shocking - until no reason for her attack was given.

Your wife throwing an object at you is not acceptable, nor is it appropriate. However, you did clarify, more than once, that a physical attack was extremely out of character for her, almost to let us know that this was not an ongoing issue, and you also let us know you weren't hurt. Knowing these two facts, freely given by you, the victim of the attack, it appeared that this was a case of 'temporary insanity', and a case of it that was created by a subject we all understand all too well.

This doesn't make what happened acceptable, and it shouldn't be 'expected', so to speak, but it can be understood based on the mindset. You let us know there was a 90 minute escalating argument that you definitely helped escalate. To this group, that has been there, done that, that is enough to gain an understanding of her mindset, and how it was most likely not where it should be, or would be under normal circumstances.

This, followed by the fact that this was totally out of character, and that you were not hurt, both mentioned voluntarily, it could be read that this wasn't the point of your posting as you actually said it was your fault and that you seemed, in the beginning, more interested in helping her anger and how to move forward.

You are correct, people didn't come out first saying that physical abuse is not acceptable, but I believe only one thought you should have stayed in the same location as your wife. Perhaps it was two, but it wasn't the majority.

In short, some people here may have seen the posts, determined (without much thinking) that it was a one time incident, you stated it was your fault (not really possible, but another person can bring a person to a mental state of temporary insanity), and that you were not hurt, and focused on the other items you discussed.

Just a possibility, and once more - I am not advocating violence in any situation. It is not how things should be handled.

Further, being a WS does not mean that physical abuse is acceptable any more than being a very busy, someone inattentive spouse that has somewhat let themselves go since the wedding day deserves to be cheated on. The people that perpetrate these acts are at fault. We all own our actions. We cannot control another.

I hope this makes some sense, and isn't just a lot of rambling.

t/j - LRH, I think it's great that you enjoy the discussion/debate aspects of this site. For me, it's how I learn the most and how I'm best able to see different points of view. Thank you for opening this up to all.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
peoplepleaser
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Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I skimmed the other responses, so if I repeat I apologize.

I love the variety of viewpoints expressed, as they are all valid and provide a good breadth of things to consider.

It's ibvious by your post and responses that you love her and want to do what's best for both of you. As a BS I have been moved to do things out of character as well. The pain, anger, humiliation, fear of abandonment, realization of abandonment, and need to be understood are all cloudy and overwhelming. You are in a very difficult position, as you have your own forms of these same feelings.

Ultimately you are both responsible for your actions. We resort to aggressive responses (I'm including As here because they are emotionally aggressive) when we are out of tools to deal with the situation and feel helpless. Gaining tools to deal with extreme emotions and situations is what needs to happen in R. IC and MC are the most obvious ways if doing that. However, we can't gain these tools until we accept responsibility and take accountability for the damaging things we've done in place of them. Until we realize it's not ok or even justifiable what we did we aren't in a position to change. That doesn't mean that our actions can't be understood or even empathized with. You can understand how she got to the point if throwing the wine glass without condoning the action, just as she can understand how things in you and your life led to the A without condoning it.

I'm wondering if you have shared with her what you shared here. If I had thrown it a response that would make me listen might go like this, "I can see that you are really frustrated. I feel responsible for this change I've seen in you and it bothers me greatly. You aren't the kind of person who would react this way. I love you and I want to help you heal from this. I want our love back. I want the kindness we showed each other back. I can't believe I did this to you. What can I do right now that will help?"

I'm not familiar with not responding to shows of affection or comfort. My WS asks permission at times before hugging me, which does help, though. I like the idea of reading the Five Love Languages to determine how she best receives love. How has she responded best in the past?

A risk at showing complete vulnerability and humility with regard to making her feel special again might help too. You mentioned feeling some detachment, which makes sense. Why risk total vulnerability when you might be rejected? However, when I think of all the risks taken by WS at the expense of our relationship it pains me to think that the risk of total vulnerability and humbleness to save it might not be worth it to WS. The anxiety, discomfort, careful planning, balancing of life and emotional space to make another person feel special while risking the family life we worked so hard to build is excruciating. What can you do to show her the same level of intensity and energy to risk saving the relationship? To make her feel special? She may view you as someone willing to step so far beyond who you really are in an effort to woo someone else, so what can you do to step outside of your comfort zone to do that for her?

Just my thoughts. I hope you find a way to reach her. Once you do, I think you might find a strength and an ability in her that you never thought was there or possible. I wish that for both of you.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 557 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
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Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LRH, I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are going through a hard time. You joined SI around the same time we did, and I've hoped good things for you both.

You mentioned there is a disconnect now and has been for a while. I read your wife's thread and she mentioned several things that seemed to be important to her. A need for validation for one. She also said something that was important to her and she's talked to you about it, and she feels you are dismissing her concerns. And unless I've missed it, your thread has made no mention of it.

Clearly, you haven't been on the same page for a while and there are problems with communication. Just reading your wife's thread, THIS doesn't quite add up.

We've had this discussion and, unfortunately, no, she doesn't have specific needs that she's expressing. Shell point out what she doesn't like, but she doesn't know what she needs instead.

Maybe she's not expressing herself clearly with "I need XYZ" which can be hard for some people, or maybe you haven't been listening. And maybe part of it is to do with this.

Not so much gave up on R, but I'm guilty of becoming somewhat complacent. I've told her over and over that I'm not giving up, but its true that I haven't been as "all in" as I should be

So, what are you going to do about that?

This crap is tiring after a while on both sides. Is it a case of thinking 3 years in it should be better now, yet it's not and that is discouraging?

I hope I don't come across like I'm picking sides, because I'm not doing that. Wish the best for you both.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went home and apologized first for leaving, then she immediately apologized for what she did and we hugged for a good long tme.

Good stuff right there.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife throwing an object at you is not acceptable,

So again, intent is everything here. She threw it at the ground, the fact that bit hit me was not her intent. I keep making a point of clarifying this because I want everyone to know and understand the kind of person my W is. Literally won't hurt a fly. She felt gaslighted again because I admitted to not putting in the effort to R that I claimed to be. She had a very valid reason to be angry. Throwing a glass in any direction, even away from where I was sitting, was, as even she Has said, not the best choice. She told me that she had no intention if the glass hitting me, and I believe her because I know her. I really don't want her to feel like I've made her out to be an irrational person. I do understand how it went down and that I contributed a great deal to how she was feeling in that moment.

And yes, the circumstances do dictate that we should all feel compassion for the BSs on here. Even the ones who made a bad decision to hit or throw things or slash tires or whatever. Poor choices are still poor choices. I made some HUGE poor choixes, so I get it. Nothing justifies what I did. There is no reasoning that can make it OK. Are you as a BS allowed to hold yourself to an different standard?

[This message edited by longroadhome at 4:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


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