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Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She means well, but....
Neveragain1221
♀ Member
Member # 41969
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother keeps trying to make everything a "points game" between me and my BS. I know she means well, and I need to talk to her about what's going on, but she sometimes actively encourages me to break my boundaries. There is a friend BS and I agreed to not see anymore, and whenever I call my mother to vent or talk, she says things like "Well, maybe you can go out and get some coffee with Friend. Just don't tell BS and it'll be fine."

Lies like that is what wrecked everything in the first place. I can't believe she doesn't understand that, and I can't believe that, after the first time I angrily and firmly told her I would never do something like that, she keeps suggesting it. Now I'm torn between talking to her for advice (she's been cheated on/divorced before) and avoiding her because of her insistance that I "even the score" when my BS hurts me.

There is no score. Yes, some things BS does hurt me. But I also hurt him. Has anyone else dealt with this, and how do you handle it?

[This message edited by Neveragain1221 at 3:10 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Me: WS 26. 4 year EA and PA.
Him: BS (MercifulH) 27.
D-day 1/3/14.
Separated heading to D :(

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
PrideFallen
♂ Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, it sounds like your mom is not a "friend of the marriage" right now. Could you get her to read "Not Just Friends"? It might help her understand what you and BS are trying to do with boundaries.

I'm not at all suggesting that you cut your mother out of your life, but is there a "friend of the marriage" that can be your go-to person for venting and talk about your marriage?


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that you don't vent about your H or marriage to your mother. She clearly doesn't get it and I believe that what's between you and your H is private and should not be discussed with family members, or friends for that matter.

Come here, or talk to an IC.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37121 | Registered: Sep 2007
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say "she means well, but..."

I'd consider that, perhaps, she doesn't mean well.

I agree that it's time to stop sharing certain things with her.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8504 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's best policy NOT to talk to parents/siblings about marital issues. At ALL.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only agree with the advice here as I have also had to maintain much stricter boundaries with my mom as a result of the fallout of my A. She wants this to be anyone else's fault but mine, she wants to somehow make this about her pain and suffering, she wants to frolic in the gossip of a good affair, etc. you name it, she has done it and will continue to do it.

I can't control her but I can establish a cautious and protected relationship with her, which I have done.

Good luck as this is NOT easy. As the old adage goes, you can chose your friends, but your family...they're here to stay.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Neveragain1221
♀ Member
Member # 41969
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I am going to tone down everything I talk about with my mom. It's going to be hard, because other than her I really have no one to turn to to talk. Most of my close friends are all biased, telling me to just let H go and find someone new. They've all been telling me that I was "way out of his league" since they learned of the A. All of them try to say I'm not at fault, and that H should just "get over it", and that he's abusing me by tracking my phone and reading my messages/emails/etc. So I can't talk to them either, because they're not supportive of our M.

I guess I'll just keep posting here, and talking only to the MC.


Me: WS 26. 4 year EA and PA.
Him: BS (MercifulH) 27.
D-day 1/3/14.
Separated heading to D :(

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are surrounding yourself with non friends of the marriage. After an A there has to be a lot of 'housekeeping' regarding pre-A relationships.

We have a rule that anyone who is not a friend of the marriage is not a friend, period.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37121 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here but I can relate with the Mother thing. I finally told my mother WH and I are separated. Didn't tell her why (She would do a keep score thing and tell me I should "date" to give WH a taste of his own medicine) but she knew something was up so I finally told her. Unfortunately now I remember why I didn't confide in her to begin with.

For example, she asked me how things were after seeing Facebook pics from the weekend that were us at church and then the zoo as a family. Said "you look happy, how is it going?" I said things were going good that day and I was happy. She immediately had to dampen it and say "well, you know there will be ups and downs. This was an up so prepare yourself for the down". I don't find that constructive at all. I think I know we are on a roller coaster and I am trying to enjoy the good. Ugh.

So I have limited talking to her about my marriage. As a woman that can be hard, I know. It's your mom. But I don't consider my mom a friend of the marriage right now. I won't cut her from my life, but I can't talk to her on marriage issues.

So that was a long way for me to tell you I empathize on you with having a mother who is making this all that much harder.

(((Hugs)))


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
Neveragain1221
♀ Member
Member # 41969
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have the same rule Authentic. I haven't talked to a lot of people I called friends since the A came to light. BH posted about it on Facebook, and I got a slew of messages from "friends" telling me that I wasn't to blame, and that they always thought BH was possessive and controlling. That was news to me, because prior to that many of them talked about how they all wished they had guys just like BH. I also got a slew of messages from guys I knew, hinting that if I ever "needed help" I could always come to them. Yeah, like that's not a thinly veiled attempt to get in my pants.

I have cut many, many friends out of my life because of this. Looking back, I realize a lot of them weren't very good friends to have. There are a few of them I'd still like to see again, but I won't. They aren't friends of the relationship.


Me: WS 26. 4 year EA and PA.
Him: BS (MercifulH) 27.
D-day 1/3/14.
Separated heading to D :(

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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