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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What if they really are better without you??...
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I choose to believe he is better off without me, that he is 'happy' for now. After all I know what a shit he is and can no longer give him ego kibbles and blind adoration. His current victim (COW) has low standards and thinks a serial cheating, pathological liar is a catch.

I expected more of him. He must be happy as a pig in mud now that he no longer has to pretend to be a decent guy.

He also projects whoever he is targeting, so his values, behaviors, likes and dislikes etc change. I choose again to believe that I no longer know him, I only ever knew his facade and what he was mirroring back at me. I could only 'know him' now if I knew his current victim, IYKWIM.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow SBB, the Romantic Affair article really hit home:
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure;

At Dday - our oldest had been away at college for one semester, he was under pressure to address his drinking problem, and he'd had a huge amount of financial success in the previous year. Wow.

Sorry for t/j stuckinthetunnel, but that's really interesting.

And, for the record, I don't think anyone who can walk away from their lives and, especially, their children, with such a level of betrayal and deceit involved, is really happy, they just keep living the lie....until it falls apart. And you may never know it's fallen apart, but typically it will.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4618 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion is that they may believe they are happy. They may even act like it. For now.

There isn't a person on this Earth who can cause so much pain and damage to spouses, children, in laws, friends, etc. and not feel it. They might only feel it or allow it to come into their minds in the very dark of night when they are alone and no one else is watching, but it's there. And guess what? It will always be there.

You can try with all your might but you can't run from yourself. Wherever you go, there you are.

I truly did not believe that my exWH was broken when this all started. I really thought the slunt must be some great woman to get him to leave us.

I was so wrong. I only see a tiny bit of how he is now, and that's only what I hear from my kids. But, from what I know, shes awful and he's the same person he was after the honeymoon period ended. He's still lazy, apathetic, conflict avoidant, passive aggressive, and lives his life as a functional alcoholic who goes about as deep as a puddle. He knows how much he hurt me and the children and continues to just make a sad face and move on when they confront him. He has no words to make them feel better. He also has no words to justify his new life. He's never once told them when they ask why he left that he's much happier not being married to me.

I suppose what I'm saying is that, despite all the other characteristics that I see, I now see a guy who's totally lost. Lost as a man and lost as a father. He will be lost forever unless he is able to face himself and face his demons.

No. He's not happy or better off. He's not happy with himself and never will be. Therefore, he will never be happy with anything.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2846 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They may be. Some of our marriages (mine) were not great before the A, even if we didn't want to admit it. Sometimes people do meet someone they will be happier with, and the A may not be a great way to move on, with the massive damage it does to everyone else, but it DOES lead to a better life for them. It has for my husband. And ultimately it has for me, too.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if?

Who cares?

I think that, in many respects, Trac-Fone is happier without me. In others, he's an utter mess.

I don't care. I don't care if he's happy. I don't care if he's not.

He fired me from caring.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8885 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Maybe they are happier. Who knows? However, I know he's a pathological liar, a financial disaster, and the most selfish human alive. None of that has gone away now that they are together He may have changed the way he dresses, his car, his hair, but he's still the same person inside. Maybe she likes that, maybe that's what she's always strived for in a man? Again, who knows?

I know that it's not what I want in a partner. They can live whatever "happy" life together that they want, but I want better. I just know that they both suck and maybe that's why they're meant to be together.

***Do not post links to other sites***

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:36 AM, March 10th (Monday)]


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 934 | Registered: Mar 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He probably thinks he is. But fine. Good luck with that.

X has major OCD and other issues that I think I helped reign in during our M... sort of like a frog in boiling water. It wasn't until we S/D that I noticed I had a lot more peace in my life and it was because I wasn't a nervous wreck about keeping X in line all of the time. He has major narcissistic tendencies that I helped him control-- including entitlement issues, procrastination and a tendency to lie by omission. I think he honestly did try to be a better man with me, in part because I demanded it and we had a nice life together I think he wanted to hold on to, but, in the end, he ended up just feeling controlled. I think OW lets him run wild.

He may find out that he's less successful and respected without me around. (That has certainly been the case so far). Or maybe he'll be so enabled by the people around him, he'll never notice. It no longer matters.

Part of me does still hang onto hoping he realizes it someday. I have validation from his family and friends, but it would be nice to know I mattered and I helped. On the other hand, I know I did my best.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:34 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of me does still hang onto hoping he realizes it someday. I have validation from his family and friends, but it would be nice to know I mattered and I helped. On the other hand, I know I did my best.

I hang onto this too, but ultimately I know I need to be fine either way and know I am a better person without her. It does take time to shake though. For me the last few days, just how coldly and matter-of-fact divorce conversations have been seem like we're 2 people who don't know each other who are simply conducting a business exchange. It hurts.

All that said, like so many have said here, think more about how you're better off without him stuckinthetunnel. As long as he remains in the fog, he is doomed to make the same mistakes with OW. If, by some chance, it does work out long term with OW, then it is what it is. Focus on you and how awesome you are, and know you did not deserve this from him, and that you are worthy of love. He was wrong for you, and he did wrong by you, not the other way around.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was wrong for you, and he did wrong by you, not the other way around.

^^THIS is exactly it. We'll said SH. I've seen it articulated in lots of different ways but this is my new favourite.

I too don't believe that a relationship built on lies and deceit can ever result in a happy or healthy union. Don't forget the biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

When real life kicks in and their toxic coping mechanisms kick in they'll react in the same way. They may spend the rest of their lives together but that is simply because WS/AP don't think they deserve better. They're right, too.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah when the schmoop wears off and the land of rainbows and unicorn land evaporates, he will be miserable.
But as a few seasoned posterers here have said and it is worth repeating. He is no longer your concern. Just imagine and plan how totally AWESOME YOUR life will be WITHOUT HIM! Do all those things you've wanted to do that he hated. Reclaim your life! Get out there and be active. Without that dead weight anchor POS WXH you are free to be all you were meant to be. It's your time to shine, he no longer matters.

Posts: 4719 | Registered: Dec 2009
stuckinthetunnel
♀ Member
Member # 41754
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your responses, Ive been reading and thinking about them this afternoon. Pass...thanks for the Fucking Fabulous comment LOL! that made my day.

Its been over 2 years since I caught them, in 2 weeks it will be a year since our divorce was final. I know its over, I know its really not my concern what he is doing..but here is the thing...I have never understood how 2 people could be married, live together sleep in the same bed together for years and years, get divorced and never see or speak to each other again. Even when I was young, my sister did that and I never understood it. Still don't. Its not in my character to have that close and intimate of a relationship and then cut that person out of my life. So I don't want to be that person who is capable of that. I realize its not really my choice at this point but I do turn it over in my mind sometimes that he was able to do that...just walk away from all 3 of the boys and not ever look back. I guess you could say that Im glad ive had a hard time with it..it means I have a soul, that im not some shallow human who can just move on and not deal with my business.

That being said your right , I deserve so much better. I may have been hard to live with and we may have had our problems but I did not deserve to be treated the way he has treated me, neither did my boys who loved him like a father and had a lot of respect for him until this happened.

I hope he does find a way to be happy, its a shame that we had to be the collateral damage in his quest to find that. He gave up a lot so I hope at the very least he is happy with what he has not. Doesn't make it any easier to except since all I ever wanted was for him to be happy with us. Out of my control...but for my sons sake I will always hope that he some day realizes what he has done and makes an attempt to make it right so that they can have a relationship. I grew up in a family of 6 kids with a single mom. Our "father" abandoned the family when I was 2 and never came back..I never knew him. I know what that kind of hurt feels like and I hate that my sons are feeling that now. I will always be praying that he does something to change it. But ill also be praying that the skank gets herpes...Im not a saint...


DDay 10/30/11
Divorced 3/25/13
Married 19 yrs.
S30,S23 mine
S17 ours

Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2013
oldandtiredout
♀ Member
Member # 32299
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Narcissists are fully capable of betrayal with no remorse. He may very well have N traits.

We can't expect our WS to have the normal feelings of connection, empathy, and remorse that we would under these circumstances. They don't possess those qualities.

Be glad that you have normal feelings and emotions. Even if he doesn't. You can love with a depth he can never, ever fathom.


WH 50's
BW 50's
DDay July 2009
3 year EA/PA
2 kids at home

Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, an ideal state of detachment would be one in which you are protected from your ex and if he/she is doing well, awesome. Less pain in the world. Not your issue any more.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you could say that Im glad ive had a hard time with it..it means I have a soul, that im not some shallow human who can just move on and not deal with my business.

Bingo. You are a much better human being, and sometimes good human beings get screwed over big time. You do have a soul. You are "fucking fabulous," and you will heal. Peace and strength to you and your kids.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if someone is able to move on from a marriage and never speak to their ex spouse again that means they have no soul?

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2009
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

meh, so what?

You know, I'll tell you something, honestly. That question burned for YEARS in the back of my mind. I wanted so desperately to believe that without me, his life would be miserable and he'd live to regret his bad decisions. I didn't want reconciliation, but I wanted some kind of "justice" I guess, for lack of a better word.

That "justice" never came, and life kept marching right on by.

One day not long ago, it dawned on me that I no longer felt that question burning in the back of my mind. Weeks would pass before I had a single thought of XH...and I've got kids with him! Just like that, I stopped caring whether he was happy or sad, if he regretted anything, or if he was better off without me. I wasn't angry with him anymore. I just didn't care about him. It was an amazing feeling of release and peace. My first Independence Day was the day my divorce was finalized, but the day I stopped giving a shit about the XH was my second, just as important, Independence Day.

So, from this place of happiness and peace, I will tell you to hang in there. Your Independence Day is coming, my friend. You will get there.

Work on YOU. Strive to make YOURSELF happy. Make sure YOUR life is better without him. And always, always look ahead to better days. I promise you, you will be happy again.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
stuckinthetunnel
♀ Member
Member # 41754
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hummingbird Im referring to the fact that we (meaning my boys and I) did nothing to him, yet he literally walks away from the whole situation without ever looking back. My middle son has major disabilities. My X was very close to him. At every surgery and hospital stay when he was very young. Raised him as his own as well as my older son. XWH has not asked about my middle son in almost 3 years. He knows what all is involved with him and does. not. care. THAT is soulless.

I recently saw a picture of my X with the OW and her 3 teenage kids..like one big happy family and I wondered how he could even stand there and not feel like a complete douche knowing he walked out on his own 3 kids and the pain he has put them through. That's what bothers me the most...what he did to my kids. He had no right to make them feel so replaceable and unimportant. I signed up for it and can except what he did to me...but my kids just loved him unconditionally and THAT is complete BS.


DDay 10/30/11
Divorced 3/25/13
Married 19 yrs.
S30,S23 mine
S17 ours

Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2013
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 4:44 AM, March 10th (Monday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2391 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Jackie89, So sorry you lost your Mom. That's hard enough at any time, let alone when dealing with this.

His current victim (COW) has low standards and thinks a serial cheating, pathological liar is a catch.

I expected more of him. He must be happy as a pig in mud now that he no longer has to pretend to be a decent guy.

Spot on! Same with slut and xpos. Very low self esteem and expectations for themselves, and opinions of each other in spite if their luurrrve.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2391 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if they are?

What does that change?

Best to focus on you being better without them.

^This.

For some people, a life changing event like divorce is reason to wake up and make positive changes in their life. That is 100% on that individual - no one else, not even their spouse or ex-spouse has the ability to make someone act in a way, positive or negative.

You aren't the wicked witch in this scenario, causing your ex to be a lazy grump when he was with you. He is responsible for his own attitude and behavior.

The flip side of this coin is that a life changing event like divorce can be a reason for the BS to wake up and make positive changes in their life too. I can tell you with absolute and utter unwavering confidence that I am a significantly better, happier, more conscientious, more intentional, more loving person, a better friend, a harder worker, more loyal and caring now than I was before my ex walked out. It took the divorce to make me wake up. And I'm better off without him - but at the same time, I don't know that I ever would have become who I am if it weren't for him.

Focus on you. You deserve your own mental energy much more than he does.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Jul 2011
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