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Newest Member: 49ergirl (44698)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What if they really are better without you??...
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He fired me from caring.

LOVE THIS LINE!


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you can move on and not speak to the person anymore. No matter what end of this shit sandwich you are on.

Forgiveness doesn't mean fellowship in my opinion. We don't need to speak for me to pray for you or wish you the best.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if someone is able to move on from a marriage and never speak to their ex spouse again that means they have no soul?
No. People find they are mismatched all the time. However, if they are a relatively decent person, they will talk it over with their current partner and let them know what is going on and not lie to them.

If you change the "ex spouse" to "child(ren)" and that person walks away from their kids...yes, IMO, they have no soul.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you get further out and build a great new life for yourself, you'll find that it doesn't really matter -- because you'll be so much better off without them!

However, if you do any research, you'll find that true, lasting, sustained personality change is so rare as to be nearly nonexistent. (Do some reading on fMRI, behavioral psychology, twin studies, personality types, etc. It's super eye-opening.)

That's why you see so much False R and repeat D-Days -- sometimes they can pretend to change for years or even decades, but it's really hard to forever change something so fundamental about yourself (core values such as integrity, honesty, etc.)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3313 | Registered: Dec 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does 'better off' really mean?

Is ex-shat better off without me? Well sure he is...no one is there to tell him no, put the brakes on his idiot ideas, pull him back from the brink.

He jumped out of the plane and I'm sure free-fall feels pretty fucking awesome. For awhile there is nothing but adrenaline and power and elation. But eventually the ground starts looming large and wouldn't you know it...the fucker forgot his parachute.

Don't think for a moment that he's got it all and he's better off. He's fucked. You have the means to take control, heal, and be better off.

Trust me, two years out from leaving me, his free-fall is spent and ex-shat is seconds from crashing. But he'll do what all the unremorseful waywards to...he'll look for the next adrenaline rush, the next fix. And to the world...for a little while...it will look like he's better off again. But he's not. He's just trapped in a never ending cycle.

We aren't though. We have the power to free ourselves and be better off.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tesla, just awesome. Every word^^^


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Heath
♂ Member
Member # 28992
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's will never be better in my opinion because of what the betrayal and destruction does to their heart.
Yeah sure they may build what seems to be a happy life, but at what cost, to others but also internally?
Habits are hard to break. If a person compromises their character to be with another person, then those new bad character traits change who that person is, and so much for the worse. It's hard to come back from. I admire the WS's that do. Sadly many stay wallowing in the mire, even if the outside looks all nice and shiny.


"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything'.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
lost2012
♀ Member
Member # 35325
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if you are better off without them? I mean seriously, if they would cheat and hurt you, maybe you are.

I say this because I had these same thoughts. My ex married his AP and they live in a big house together. From the outside it looks like roses and it pisses me off.

But then one day, I realized how much better off I am, even if I am single. I can do things without criticism. I can be myself. (My ex was always saying things like I'm not a morning person-I like to read, etc.) Sounds like he just didn't like me. Maybe he didn't. So I am better off.
I also started dating and discovered how people can treat me nice. Much nicer. I think I'm better off taking my chances. Even now, I look for things to be wrong with who I'm dating. Indications that they will become abusive, etc. But what if I really am better off with someone else? what if he's really not my soulmate? What if it took this painful thing for me to realize what I really deserve? How about you? what if you needed this sucky experience to realize what you really need in a relationship? What if this is all a step to something so much better than you ever imagined? It might be. I'm just sayin.
and then if you want karma, what if down the road a few years, you are the happy one? It may seem like he's got this great life with the OW, but relationships are not without challenges. It's just you won't see the difficult times. What's even worse, in my case what if she stays with him cuz she thinks he's her soulmate and he really isn't? What if she lives for misery for years? Healthy people with good self esteem don't have affairs. But now to protect their egos, they may believe they have to make it work.
The truth is, you dont really know what their relationship is like. And if they are having problems, they won't be telling you. But you can work on your own issues or what mistakes you made (even if it's why you chose him.)and then you will be a healthier partner for your next relationship. That's how I'm looking at it.


Dday- March 1, 2012
M 17 years
EA? 4 years
2 boys ages 10 and 12
Divorced- 12/17/2012

Posts: 87 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 48
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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