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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife wanted to tell me about EA...
Aceofbase
♂ Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS wanted to tell me about the EA but said that I could not tell a mutual friend any of the details. I told her that I wanted her to finish reading the "Not Just Friends" book to understand why I needed her to tell me the details. It has been about 7 days since she started reading the book and she is not quite to the part that tells why it is important to tell the details. What part she is on is about the only snooping I have done lately.

I want her "secerts" to come from the heart for the right reasons. No TT. I am over thinking something?


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want her "secerts" to come from the heart for the right reasons. No TT. I am over thinking something?

Can you expand a little Aceofbase?

WS wanted to tell me about the EA but said that I could not tell a mutual friend any of the details
.

So, she wants to tell you something but you want to tell a mutual friend of yours, too?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Aceofbase
♂ Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure whether this was a PA or EA. My gut says there was some physical but not everything.

Before last week we were butting heads on getting to the details of the EA/PA? I had a big shift that week were I was "not afraid" of what might of happened to knowing that I will be stronger and healthier no matter the direction or details. I want the whole truth with on truth telling. I wanted it to be for the right reasons not "telling me as little as she can to get it over with."

And yes not to tell a mutual friend.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to be for the right reasons

The right reason is that R is not possible with secrets between you. The right reason is that she loves you and wants you to be able to heal.
And yes not to tell a mutual friend
The important thing is that she tells you. I guess she's still trying to protect herself (from looking bad to friends?). IMO it's more important that you have the truth than who you tell. Is you sharing the info what's stopping her from telling? Can you agree to only tell your IC/MC for now?


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Aceofbase
♂ Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds like a plan. I didn't think about that. Only my IC. Yes I can live with that.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Morhurt. She tells you bc it is the right and honorable thing to do. You want the truth. Period. Nothing less will do at this point. If she is not going to speak the truth then there is no point speaking. This is what I told my H. "If you cannot answer truthfully, then get up, go upstairs, pack your bags and go. I have been lied too long enough."

If it makes it easier for you, write your questions down and send them for her to answer. She can even answer them in MC.

Just know that you will have more questions in the beginning. She might want to read, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair. This is almost along the lines of, "Computers for Dummies." It's a pretty basic guideline.

Keep us posted, Ace.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts..

First, my asking my wife to read any book never worked. IMO, that just will never seems to work. She must want to read the book on her own for that book to work. It is good you asked and she is reading it. I would not pressure her to discuss or read it again. You ask her, you invite her to read it. That is all you can do. If she reacts in a way where she does and wants to discuss, great.

As for knowing, you can make a choice not to pursue any more and only focus on working on your marriage. Sure, the curiosity will always be in your head. It will just be thoughts. And I will tell you that thoughts come before feelings. You control your own thoughts. So does it make sense if you control your own thoughts, you can redirect them to thoughts that don't create certain feelings. It takes time and it is a process.

If you make the decision to forgive, in time, you can be at peace with this the curiosity. Go find a book on forgiving. I read Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall. Forgiving is a process.

You both need to rediscover what you once had. It is lost. You fix that, then you fix your marriage. How? Well, some marriage counseling can help if you find a good one and want to spend hundreds of dollars. Much of the teaching will be directed at you being more attractive and changing. That is all you can do. Your W must make her own choices.

You can take a leadership role in this by you changing first. Perhaps the law of reciprocity will then kick in and get you what you want.

If you can work on YOU being the most attractive man, then she will never risk losing you. It will be her choice too. I mean attractive in the sense of a total different meaning other than a physical one. You might be surprised to find out being attractive does not mean you are always "nice".

Yes, the key is to learn how to develop into a man who can create an environment where his W will be most open. You don't have that now and not going to get it with demands, threats, manipulation, etc. No, it is not easy but there are ways. Perhaps you should google something like, married and happy. Being most attractive.. That is all you can control. Of course you want the most intimate, caring, giving and sexual marriage, Yes?

Might I suggest this book too. The Five Languages of Love. They have a menís version. I would not be afraid to let her see you reading it.

Peace brother.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:48 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Aceofbase
♂ Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your posts. It was a tryimg last couple of years with my mom and dad passing in the last 3 years. I was executor, We sold our house and moved into my mom and ads house. Somewhere along the line we stop communicating effectively and kind of just rammed through all this stuff. We created and very wobbly marriage.

I have discovered that stress was getting the best of me and her. I needed to keep my feelings and thoughts grounded in reality. I had cognitive distortion issues my whole life which lead to panic attacks more than 10 years ago. I was on meds but never felt completely healed, The cognitive therapy has help me a lot.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ace, it is good that you have understanding of your past struggles and that you are working on you, now.

Please know this - you did not cause your wife to cheat. Okay. Know it. Believe it. No matter what your past issues are and the stress of living in your parents' house, etc.

You both need to rediscover what you once had. It is lost. You fix that, then you fix your marriage.

I disagree to a certain extend. Your wife needs to be IC so she can figure out what is in her that felt it was okay to cheat.

You want to work on the M? Great! But first...she works on herself as you are already doing.

Also, Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. But this book won't mean anything to you if your wife refuses to come clean and own her shit.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aceofbase

There are always reasons for the things you do and also the ones who love us. But love is always a choice. A person will make a choice to love you or not. We have no control over what others do. What they do they must take personal responsibility. It is never our fault for a choice someone makes.

Yes, you seem most quality, most attractive. Stand proud in that fact..

The cognitive therapy has help me a lot.
You looked at yourself first and deal with it. And you can learn until the day you die. You work toward knowing the greatest values and you execute them to the best of your ability. In most cases, you will be rewarded. But life is not always fair. So you deal with those times too.

Sometime, we must ignore the fear and act on good values. Happiness always seems to happen in the end if you keep good values.

Peace be with you.


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is up with not telling the "mutual friend."? Is it a male or female?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44..

Please know I mean.. Mutual. "you both" I get what you are saying.

If someone choose not to love you, You cannot control that choice. What I have found is when someone chooses not to love you, it is best just to remove them from your life.

Sometimes we quit far too early and sometimes we hang on far too long. That middle point is not always easy to find.


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is up with not telling the "mutual friend."? Is it a male or female?

When you are in a M, you share things in trust. Trust is always a decision.

If he tells her friend, he will violate his wife's trust. Feelings will result.. and not good ones.

For a long time, I did not tell my parents of my W's affair. It was part of my forgiving. I did not want by choice for my parents to treat my wife poorly. I did not know what they would do. Part of forgiving is to not make your spouse feel guilty in any way.

On the other hand, I also had no respect for my w's best friend who was also in an affair. What I did was say, I want you to remove anyone not friends of our m. It became my W's choice. She broke off that friendship. They do not speak. So you make a good point hopefulmother..


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you are in a M, you share things in trust. Trust is always a decision.

If he tells her friend, he will violate his wife's trust. Feelings will result.. and not good ones.

That only works when there's a reason to trust.

He has absolutely no reason at all to trust her right now. She should be willing to work with him to restore that, not carry on with the expectation that she gets to hold things in confidence as if she didn't just undermine the foundation of trust.

He is well within his rights to tell whomever he wishes, as far as I am concerned. Her feelings on the matter may not be pleasant, but refraining from action based on the worry that you won't get the desired result is just gaming it. If she has a really, really good reason to not want to tell this friend and Aceofbase is okay with that, it's a decision made through communication, and still his decision. If she is going to bail on their marriage with a pile of hurt feelings because he looked to outside support that merely speaks volumes of her commitment, or decided lack thereof.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes we quit far too early and sometimes we hang on far too long

Agreed Trynghard

as for StillGoing....I agree with the entire post so no point in quoting it!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard:

I didn't mean in breaking trust. I was just wandering if it was a male that she may be having an A with and didn't want him to know.

Just chalk it up to my mistrust.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is your story and you get to tell whomever you choose. Do not allow your wayward to dictate the terms under which they provide information to you. They give the info because it is your right to know. Period. When they are more worried about the potential fallout to themselves than they are of giving you honesty, you have a major problem.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 17

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