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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: gone on weekends still
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 6 months going on 7 from Dday and my BH still goes away from home on weekends.

I am trying hard to understand that he still wants some space, but I also feel like this hasn't been really helpful with our trying to R. It also makes me feel that because of me, the kids are now being deprived from their weekend time with their dad.

What would be your thoughts if you were in my shoes?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, first off, I would wonder where he's going? And who else is there?

Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure he is not engaged in an A? What is he doing - work trips? Hobbies? Socializing with same sex friends? It doesn't sound like R is a high priority for him, I'm sorry to say. At minimum he is avoiding. True he wasn't unfaithful but he's not handling this crisis well by responding this way. Both partners have to make sacrifices to work on R.

What are your boundaries? Do you have designated times where you do spend time as a couple and talking about things and what each of you needs from your marriage? Are you in MC?

Remember, actions always speak louder than words. Good and bad.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 10:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you've said on these boards before - your H has an OC with one of the several women he's had affairs with. He needs to realize that he's done this too. His leaving every weekend without a word to you is abuse, and the way he's treating your children is neglect.

Is he still calling you terrible names when he is home?

Can you leave this person? Start over, away from him?

EDIT - His having his own As does NOT mean that an RA or any other A is ok. It does mean he should have some empathy and not be so abusive about this.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 1:01 AM, March 10th (Monday)]


Love leads to tears, tears lead to sadness, sadness to memories, memories to madness

Posts: 1676 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIKnewYa,

He says he rented a "place".. some place he does not ever tell me where. He says he is not with "someone" (but who knows really)

womaninflux,

As I've said, he doesn't tell me anything. Anything at all... He just says: he needs some space; some time.
I agree that he should be doing his part too if he wants to R.
He's home on weekdays but since we are both working, we rarely have the time to really talk. And if ever we had the time, he seems to always avoid talking about it. I'm sorry we are not on MC.

painfulpast,

Thank you, you know my story.
He doesn't seem to remember that he was a wayward spouse too. I am not really sure if he does have an RA now. He doesn't tell me anything; he keeps his schedules too.
Yes, I feel emotionally abused. He kind of lessened his "name calling" now.
I am actually pondering on "leaving".. I am just very scared (as I've told you before painfulpast) I can not afford to support my kids alone. If I do leave, I will be alone ((painfulpast))


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi helpless, your post resonates with me because my BS goes away every weekend as well. With no information, no contact, no anything about what she is doing or whom she is doing it with.

But there is a big difference - we're separated and not reconciling. She needs her space and I need my time with the kids and as part of that agreement, we've decided this is the best for now.

I can assure you, if we were attempting R, this would not be how we would spend our weekends.

You need to get on the same page with your BS. Nothing hurts more than misaligned expectations. Ideally this discussion would happen in MC, but if it can't then I recommend email as an alternative to lay out your feelings and ask him to make the choice.

Don't let fear about being alone guide your next decisions. It is fear like that that got us all here in the first place and built marriages on sand instead of rock.

Communicate clearly with him, give him the choice - stay in the lifeboat and WORK on R or call a spade and spade and separate. We'll still be here to support you if he chooses to jump ship...

Good luck.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

helplessme - I am trying hard to understand that he still wants some space, but I also feel like this hasn't been really helpful with our trying to R. What would be your thoughts if you were in my shoes?

In response to your question, I feel that I would be like you right now. Feeling scared, angry, hurt, frustrated, worried and afraid. And that's understandable.

Prayingforhope - Don't let fear about being alone guide your next decisions. It is fear like that that got us all here in the first place and built marriages on sand instead of rock.

I understand your fears, but right now, like Prayingforhope, what I also see is that your letting your username get the best of you. You may feel helpless but you aren't. Your really aren't.

Gently said, he is getting away with this crap because you are letting him get away with this. Your settling for this crap and you need to step up your game plan.

You need to plainly and forcefully tell him that his behavior is falling outside your boundaries and that his actions are no longer acceptable and that you are not willing to settle for this.

At this time and place, your not a WS, your a BS and so, I'm giving you the same advice that I would give a newbie BS here.

You need to go and read these two posts. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785 and when you're done with that one, read this. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092

There is no denying that he is is being selfish right now and tied up in his own angst and crap. But that behavior can't be supported long term. And you don't have to settle for it either.

You need to push him off the friken fence and on one side or the other and that's why I am recommending that you put the 180 into action. It empowers you and pushes him into making decisions. Its not always easy but it is needed. You set the rules and boundaries and if he can't or won't comply, then the consequences have to come into play.

helplessme - I am actually pondering on "leaving".. I am just very scared, as I can not afford to support my kids alone. If I do leave, I will be alone.

I know its easier said than done but for your long term mental health, your can't let fear rule you. You have the right to happiness and joy in your life too. Maybe the article on making hard choices and difficult decisions can help you clarify things. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=524740


Reach out to your community social services, perhaps they have resources for assistance if you decide to leave. In the meantime, you have support and help within our community here. Reach out for strength when you need it.

HUFI

BE STRONG. BE LION STRONG. ROAAR.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prayingforhope,

Thank you for your kind encouragement. I may reach that point when I do have to ask my BH what he wants. This would be a major transition for me, but I should be ready to face it.
I am praying with you that somehow, sometime, you will get back with your wife Thanks again!

HUFI-PUFI,

Thank you also for your words of wisdom. Yes, I am a WW but also a FBW and that puts me in quite a strange place. Sometimes I don't know how to act or think. It's been more than 10 years my BH had an A too (he had an OC but he never admitted). I would say he was remorseful and worked at me being able to trust him again. This is why my mind is spinning. I should have not gone into this mess of having an A myself because I should already know the repercussions. But then again, how can I undo what was already done?
HUFI-PUFI, what do you say then about our supposed timeline of 2 to 5 years? Do I need to give that time to my BH? Or do I start stepping up?

You have the right to happiness and joy in your life too.

Yes, I agree I need to be happy again. I have never felt any joy since Dday I used to be a jolly, cheerful person. I am missing "me"

Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
HUFI-PUFI
♂ Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

helplessme - what do you say then about our supposed timeline of 2 to 5 years? Do I need to give that time to my BH? Or do I start stepping up?

I can only give you my thoughts when in truth, it will always come down to your thoughts, your fears and your hopes and dreams that need to guide you.

There are some here, whose journey from A to D took weeks and months and there are others who are still working on R 10 years past. And that's understandable for R is only a journey, not a destination. Not unlike a child who dreams of visiting Xanadu when they grow up, sometimes wishing for something has little to do with ever realizing that dream. You can't control R. You can only work at it. You have to be the one who decides if the possibility of successful R is worth the effort that you will need to expend. For some it is, for some it isn't but ultimately, it always comes down to a choice and decision made by your heart, mind and soul.

Remember, each partner always has the right to leave, at any time, under their terms, for any reason regardless of their BS or WS status. For some people, means filing for D and moving out in the middle of the day unannounced, for others, leaving is a matter of creating distance in a relationship and checking out emotionally and physically. And when this happens, everyone has a choice and everyone has a decision to make.

I ran across a graphic this morning and would like to share it with you.

So you need to figure out if the love, commitment and longing within you reflects this degree of love for your H or not. Do you really want to risk your heart or do you truly long for security and peace of mind and a end to this hurt? I know that you know that the roller coaster never goes away until someone steps off the ride. It always comes down to it being choice and decision time.

helplessme - I may reach that point when I do have to ask my BH what he wants.

I think that you are at the point when you have to. I believe that if you really love your H and truly want to try reconcile, then you need to establish your boundaries for that relationship or else your 2-20 year journey to R will never happen. R can't happen when he is checking out.

HUFI

Trytoforgive - As remorseful WS's, it is hard to know when let go of the reins and know that they truly are responsible for their healing, as well. We can stop the bleeding, but we can't give our BSís the will to live, KWIM?

Edited for spellin

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 6:33 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

helpless,

I think he's meeting up with someone- it doesn't matter what he says. He knows he has you backed into a corner. He's likely using your family resources to shack up with someone on the weekend. The best advice I can give you is to start 180 (for YOU) and see a lawyer to see what it will take to get you out of this mess. It may not leave you as desperate as you think. It's time to put a stop to this emotional abuse- one way or another.


Posts: 11391 | Registered: Mar 2008
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ THIS!!!!!


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5765 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUFI-PUFI,

You impart so much wisdom.. I have never heard any thought, counsel and encouragement after that fateful day as wise as yours. Thank you! (tears fall down my cheeks as I read your write-up)

I love my H deeply, and I am willing to take that long journey to R..

So you need to figure out if the love, commitment and longing within you reflects this degree of love for your H or not. Do you really want to risk your heart or do you truly long for security and peace of mind and a end to this hurt?

however . .

I believe that if you really love your H and truly want to try reconcile, then you need to establish your boundaries for that relationship or else your 2-20 year journey to R will never happen. R can't happen when he is checking out.

I believe I can not do this alone. If my BH is also willing to sincerely work it out, he will sacrifice his pride and not check out all these time. He makes me feel like his love for me is not enough to swallow his self-esteem.

Wish me luck HUFI. I am holding on strong as long as I can


Again, I thank you from my heart


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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