ESPECIALLY this. I know that I have to be easy in my approach as to not provoke him
Does he hit or destroy things often when he is angry?
Don't bother going to MC with this wild animal douche. You need a husband to attend MC. Your douche should be in some serious individual counseling for a long time.
The idea that you were great besides the A might have been mostly true but the A was a sign he needed serious help. He didn't get that so of course nothing is better, it's just better hidden. The passage of time doesn't make issues resolve on their own.
You are back to square one. Make a list of your minimum requirements that are non negotiable for him to meet, to have a chance to stay married to you and be prepared to kick him out and file for divorce if he continues to refuse to meet them.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
By the house thing...and mentioning your family...he is still more concerned about himself and his self image.
You are not doing anything wrong or saying it wrong. Don't second guess yourself now. You are on the right track, even if you are not getting what you want.
I agree with another poster, you did it wrong from the beginning and gave him too much power. It is not your fault though. He has years of being a master manipulator.
But, you are waking up now. Good for you.
As i speak, he is sitting at his brother's house, surely complaining about what i did to HIM last night, and getting reassurance that i am just a crazy obsessive shrew. I wish i could be a fly on the wall for his explanation to people, how i have pushed him and made his life miserable and will never let it go etc... you are right on the money with his narcissism, he loves himself to an uncomfortable level sometimes. I cant even BEGIN to explain how little he cares how i see him.
Im angry, seeing red today, and so very glad i have been able to talk to you all. I dont know exactly my course of action from here aside from setting my rules and boundaries with him now and playing the waiting game to see if he will follow through with any efforts.
but yes he does hit things, and hit himself even, when he throws his little temper tantrums
ETA: Here's some reading for you, hon. See if any of this sounds familiar to you.
[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 1:28 PM, March 10th (Monday)]
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
With my WBF I feel like he has a problem "getting it" because if he does, then he would actually have to acknowledge what he did. But not accepting it, or owning up to it, they don't have to admit (to you, or themselves) that they are actually scumbags. Its really cowardly!
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Yes, he does have a choice and we (BS) must face the fact that we have very little to no control over his choices.
Happiness is a choice.
Be angry at what he's done in your relationship. Be angry with what he expects you to just accept and be happy with. Be angry that you can't voice your opinion without him acting like a 2 year old. Be angry that he is not the partner/man he agreed to be when you married. Be angry that he thinks he can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.
Decide on some minimum terms and hold him to them. He can meet them or leave. It doesn't matter how long ago the A was. You can decide at anytime that he is not meeting your needs.
He's not going to change.
Get your kids away from this.
I've re read this post many times because it all applies to me as well.
The reason I knew it was me going too far is because he's like a wild animal when it comes to confrontation, ESPECIALLY this. I know that I have to be easy in my approach as to not provoke him,
Anytime I have brought up my WH A, this^^ is exactly the reaction I would get. One time he almost killed us in his vehicle because he was so angry that I was confronting him about yet another lie! Talk about wild animal!? Then another time he couldn't "handle" the A conversation and I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown trying to put on his clothes so he could get "away from me". The reactions scare you into NOT talking about it. And I can see now that it is manipulative and controlling.
I'm so pissed for you and me! How dare they act like that after the trauma they caused?!
after last night i plan to tell him tonite that he will do IC to put a stop to that,
I've tried that approach. Got me no where. Im starting to see that "they" have to want to fix themselves. You cant do it for them or threaten them to do it.
I haven't talked to my Wh about "anything" in a year due to his manipulative actions/tantrums. Im now seeing what a fool I've been. But the ball has changed courts. Got my bitch boots on
Please take the advise of our SI friends. I know I am. They are spot on!
He has tried many times over the years to say he has an anger problem like his father, that his rage is genetic, he has a million excuses for everything.
Ugh! I could have written this word for word. Its always someone elses fault, right? I've gotten this line too.
I'm tired of the manipulating bullsheet. I want off this crazy train. And I'm hopeful that the next time he throws a tantrum I will be strong enough to "walk away" and not engage to give him the control.
His actions have a purpose - they are DESIGNED to take your focus off the issue you are bringing up, force you to back off, and make you fall back in line. THAT is manipulative. THAT is controlling. THAT is threatening and abusive. You do know that he doesn't have to lay a finger on you to make it abuse, right?
nowiknow23 is so right about this. Re read it and let it sink in.
"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows"
The reason I knew it was me going too far is because he's like a wild animal when it comes to confrontation, ESPECIALLY this. I know that I have to be easy in my approach as to not provoke him, and when I get angry or corner him in a lie its like chasing the wild animal back into the bushes!!! I knew that would be the game-ender statement from me and I wouldn't get anything else...
Why do you stay? Please don't say it's for the kids because it's horrible for them to see you two go at it. Even if you don't do it in front of them, believe me, they know. You've already lost your house, what more do you have to lose than 150 lbs or more of unremorseful crap?
There is nothing you can do to make him see things your way. You can only change your attitude toward him. If you have to get your ducks in a row, the 180 is your friend. It may cause him so see the error of his ways, but don't count on it. Do it for yourself, your sanity and that of your kids.
[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:05 PM, March 10th, 2014 (Monday)]