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User Topic: It went horribly wrong last night
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone. You WH is not interested in reconciling. He's interested in rug sweeping.


ESPECIALLY this. I know that I have to be easy in my approach as to not provoke him

WTF?? He's your husband not a wild animal. This whole dynamic makes me wonder how many excuses you make for him. He sounds like a douche. You are starting to sound like an abused woman.

Does he hit or destroy things often when he is angry?

Don't bother going to MC with this wild animal douche. You need a husband to attend MC. Your douche should be in some serious individual counseling for a long time.

The idea that you were great besides the A might have been mostly true but the A was a sign he needed serious help. He didn't get that so of course nothing is better, it's just better hidden. The passage of time doesn't make issues resolve on their own.

You are back to square one. Make a list of your minimum requirements that are non negotiable for him to meet, to have a chance to stay married to you and be prepared to kick him out and file for divorce if he continues to refuse to meet them.




Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most narcissists are also the classic "spoiled mother's boy". So, I am not surprised that his family supported him. In their eyes, he can do no wrong. Even when abandoning their grand child.

By the house thing...and mentioning your family...he is still more concerned about himself and his self image.

You are not doing anything wrong or saying it wrong. Don't second guess yourself now. You are on the right track, even if you are not getting what you want.

I agree with another poster, you did it wrong from the beginning and gave him too much power. It is not your fault though. He has years of being a master manipulator.

But, you are waking up now. Good for you.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
longnightmare
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never considered myself to be abused in any way, but yes he does hit things, and hit himself even, when he throws his little temper tantrums... after last night i plan to tell him tonite that he will do IC to put a stop to that, because as long as i have a breath in my body, my children will NEVER see him act like such a childish beast.

As i speak, he is sitting at his brother's house, surely complaining about what i did to HIM last night, and getting reassurance that i am just a crazy obsessive shrew. I wish i could be a fly on the wall for his explanation to people, how i have pushed him and made his life miserable and will never let it go etc... you are right on the money with his narcissism, he loves himself to an uncomfortable level sometimes. I cant even BEGIN to explain how little he cares how i see him.

Im angry, seeing red today, and so very glad i have been able to talk to you all. I dont know exactly my course of action from here aside from setting my rules and boundaries with him now and playing the waiting game to see if he will follow through with any efforts.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but yes he does hit things, and hit himself even, when he throws his little temper tantrums
His actions have a purpose - they are DESIGNED to take your focus off the issue you are bringing up, force you to back off, and make you fall back in line. THAT is manipulative. THAT is controlling. THAT is threatening and abusive. You do know that he doesn't have to lay a finger on you to make it abuse, right?

ETA: Here's some reading for you, hon. See if any of this sounds familiar to you.

http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 1:28 PM, March 10th (Monday)]


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
longnightmare
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know, unfortunately I grew up watching my parents emotionally abuse each other regularly. I guess the reason I never considered myself in that position is because I know what he is doing when he does it, I know he is trying to quiet me down or else he "loses control" yaddayadda, it doesn't scare me like he hopes, its ridiculous and nauseating. He has tried many times over the years to say he has an anger problem like his father, that his rage is genetic, he has a million excuses for everything. Makes me come Unglued when he gets to throw a fit like a toddler and walk away from his problems!
Now I'm just so super pissed off that he is telling his brother and SIL all about last night, the last thing he needs is reinforcements

Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're in pain. I can totally relate. Sometimes they just don't "get it".

With my WBF I feel like he has a problem "getting it" because if he does, then he would actually have to acknowledge what he did. But not accepting it, or owning up to it, they don't have to admit (to you, or themselves) that they are actually scumbags. Its really cowardly!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Aceofbase
♂ Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not implying that you did anything wrong you did the best you could with the facts and situation you had. However, your chances of successfully come out of this as a strong health person are much greater if you follow the advice of counselors who have navigated these road before. I strongly advice you to read as much as you can on recovering Affairs. Then decide how to proceed.

Yes, he does have a choice and we (BS) must face the fact that we have very little to no control over his choices.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be angry that he's telling them. He would have gone anywhere he thought he'd be validated at. They aren't your problem.

Be angry at what he's done in your relationship. Be angry with what he expects you to just accept and be happy with. Be angry that you can't voice your opinion without him acting like a 2 year old. Be angry that he is not the partner/man he agreed to be when you married. Be angry that he thinks he can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel.

Decide on some minimum terms and hold him to them. He can meet them or leave. It doesn't matter how long ago the A was. You can decide at anytime that he is not meeting your needs.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be angry and get a lawyer.

He's not going to change.

Get your kids away from this.

{{{hugs}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
saysomething
♀ New Member
Member # 42698
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

longnightmare, I swear our husbands are clones. The way you describe your WH, you mine as well be talking about mine.

I've re read this post many times because it all applies to me as well.

The reason I knew it was me going too far is because he's like a wild animal when it comes to confrontation, ESPECIALLY this. I know that I have to be easy in my approach as to not provoke him,

Anytime I have brought up my WH A, this^^ is exactly the reaction I would get. One time he almost killed us in his vehicle because he was so angry that I was confronting him about yet another lie! Talk about wild animal!? Then another time he couldn't "handle" the A conversation and I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown trying to put on his clothes so he could get "away from me". The reactions scare you into NOT talking about it. And I can see now that it is manipulative and controlling.

I'm so pissed for you and me! How dare they act like that after the trauma they caused?!

after last night i plan to tell him tonite that he will do IC to put a stop to that,

I've tried that approach. Got me no where. Im starting to see that "they" have to want to fix themselves. You cant do it for them or threaten them to do it.

I haven't talked to my Wh about "anything" in a year due to his manipulative actions/tantrums. Im now seeing what a fool I've been. But the ball has changed courts. Got my bitch boots on

Please take the advise of our SI friends. I know I am. They are spot on!

He has tried many times over the years to say he has an anger problem like his father, that his rage is genetic, he has a million excuses for everything.

Ugh! I could have written this word for word. Its always someone elses fault, right? I've gotten this line too.

I'm tired of the manipulating bullsheet. I want off this crazy train. And I'm hopeful that the next time he throws a tantrum I will be strong enough to "walk away" and not engage to give him the control.

His actions have a purpose - they are DESIGNED to take your focus off the issue you are bringing up, force you to back off, and make you fall back in line. THAT is manipulative. THAT is controlling. THAT is threatening and abusive. You do know that he doesn't have to lay a finger on you to make it abuse, right?

nowiknow23 is so right about this. Re read it and let it sink in.

((hugs))


BS (me): 40
WS (him): 42
Too many ddays to count!

"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows"


Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Rugsweep Town
longnightmare
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saysomething, I loved your comment about your bitch boots! Made me LOL! Im so sorry to hear that your WH is so much like mine... one of the reasons this has still never gotten anywhere with R is because eventually, after his tantrums have nearly caused the neighbors to call the police and/or i have cried until my eyes hurt, i am too wiped out to keep it going and he wins. Either that or like you said, he'll storm out like a teenager because he just cant be near me right then. Ha! His affair hurting me still must be REALLY hard on him, i should give him some space LOL! He can turn a conversation around so many times it really is EXHAUSTING! He knows, too, when he has whittled me down to the breaking point, and he'll use that time to sprinkle in things that I SHOULD FEEL GUILTY ABOUT, turning the whole conversation against me, and reasons why he just isnt good at getting his point across but he WANTS to blahblahblah, MASTER MANIPULATOR!
I hope you're H sees the error of his ways when you kick him with those boots saysomething, i am sorry that you deal with the same bull$*** but it feels a little better knowing im not the only one with this crazyman! :-)

Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Frustrated  Posted: 4:51 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your fWH sounds like he's very much in denial. He hasn't made much progress in 3 years which is why you are stuck. He seems to have settled in on blaming you and has revised your M history to make that work. You were there and you know what your M was like. Don't let his weak excuses change what you know.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I knew it was me going too far is because he's like a wild animal when it comes to confrontation, ESPECIALLY this. I know that I have to be easy in my approach as to not provoke him, and when I get angry or corner him in a lie its like chasing the wild animal back into the bushes!!! I knew that would be the game-ender statement from me and I wouldn't get anything else...

Yea mine too. We both know why they do it, BECAUSE IT WORKS!! My ws knows when he starts to get loud, I back off so things don't get louder. My DD was over 3 yrs ago and I'm still waiting for the mc he promised. These big spoiled man babies know what to do, throw a tantrum, to get the heat off. I wish you luck. You've been given good advice up there, advice I need to follow as well.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5037 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has not changed his tune in 3 years, and you are not going to make him change. With an unremorseful spouse, MC is useless, so why fight over it?

Why do you stay? Please don't say it's for the kids because it's horrible for them to see you two go at it. Even if you don't do it in front of them, believe me, they know. You've already lost your house, what more do you have to lose than 150 lbs or more of unremorseful crap?

There is nothing you can do to make him see things your way. You can only change your attitude toward him. If you have to get your ducks in a row, the 180 is your friend. It may cause him so see the error of his ways, but don't count on it. Do it for yourself, your sanity and that of your kids.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:05 PM, March 10th, 2014 (Monday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20156 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
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