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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 10 days after Dday
crosby33
♂ New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well its been a rough 10 days, emotions from High to low. Anger, sadness, disbelief. WW had a emotional affair for a week, They worked together and he made a move on her. she said she panicked and froze. She never wanted the physical. I have other posts explaining the details. I asked her why didnt you just say no, and she just doesnt know why? She said it was horrible for her, and I want to believe her, I want to think it was a horrible mistake. She is in deep remorse, She is a loving and caring Mother and Wife. But for 2 months she was not herself. She was a completely different woman even to her child. So this wasnt just me she affected, I want to move on from this. If I can understand that she froze, she characterized it as a bad situation when she was little, I think I could move on. But It eats me up that someone else was having sex with her. Just a little rant, I am suppose to write down my thoughts, figure I might as well on here.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here. Know that you can find tons of support from many wonderful people at this site.

It is very hard initially to even wrap your brain around what has happened. It is surreal when you think she did this to me, to us. We get that.

Be kind to yourself, and know that no matter what she says or does you are not the cause of this. Her freezing, and her accepting the attentions of another man need to be examined, and worked through. She has to figure out why she thought it was acceptable to even go down that path, and why she continued when she knew it was wrong.

What is she doing to help you at this point?
What are you doing to help you at this point?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She needs to go to IC. She hasn't searched herself for why she did it. Even worse, she isn't owning up to her actions or part in it. She is insisting that she is a victim. I don't need to tell you that the "I just happened to be a victim to his advances" statement is bullshit. A man usually will advance on a woman that made herself open to the option. Especially a married woman with children. Do not let her minimize her role in starting the affair. I have read a lot of research that suggests when a married woman with children chooses to have an A, they already had one foot out the door.

Sorry, but no one justs "panics and freezes" into an A. She may have been pressured to turn the EA into a PA. But, isn't having an EA bad enough?

Get "Not Just Friends" and start reading. It will help you to really understand it.

Sorry this happened to you and your children.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello brother, sorry you have to be here. You say you want to believe it was just a horrible mistake on her part. Sadly, this is not the case. Even a one night stand is a series of awful choices. You say it had an effect not only on you, but also on your child. It is good that she is regretful, but you both will need more than that. I hope she is willing to go to IC to dig into what led to this destructive behavior, and learn from the pain not to repeat it. Please try to focus on the two of you healing together, and discard any concept of "balancing the scales" with hurtful actions of your own. You're in a shitty situation, but with her attitude, it seems like it can be fixable. I wish you both all the best. Be good to yourself through this rotten coaster ride. I wish you peace.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She needs to be more clear about freezing up. If there is any truth to this, than she froze up right before the sex. And if it does have anything to do with a childhood abuse memory, something triggered that memory at that time.

Has she ever told you she was abused as a child?

Just about anything can trigger a buried terrible memory, smell of aftershave, color of the room, name...I would think sex wouldn't since she never froze with you.

The freezing up part could be a lie, or it could indicate something serious did happen to her as a child and that needs attention now. Probably from a therapist.

Her statement is not something that can be brushed aside with the usual I dont know and I dont remember answers either.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 12:19 PM, March 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jun 2002
crosby33
♂ New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In no way is she making excuses for her actions. She owns them, she was ready to leave me before any of this ever happened. She said she didnt even know who that person was, and neither did I. She is heart broken by what she did and how it has affected me and I do think I see that with her actions and words. She is the old loving person I have grown to love for 10 years. I just hope that what she is telling me isnt lies, i can retrieve the text messages, but i dont know if I want to relive that again.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
castellana
♀ New Member
Member # 42609
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on not wanting to look at the text message, email. It's about as pleasant as licking a electrified subway rail. I wish that I had a close friend to look through all that stuff for me, but I don't. So I have it all and I force myself to look at it when I doubt the reality of it all. Because I don't want to believe it even though it is true.

I don't sleep much, the first few nights I could not get the images of WH and OW out of my head, enjoying each other and having all kinds of amazing sex. Even though WH says it was awful and he felt guilty. Umm, couldn't you tell that just by kissing?

Sorry you're here. This board has been a great source of support for me.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 7

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