He asked me how I didn't see we were in a bad place in our marriage during the a. I said to him "we just had a baby. that makes it rough. i was at home taking care of the kids and you were out doing whatever. I was too busy and you weren't talking to me."
When I look back to the time of the a I don't see how our relationship was messed up. I see how he was (not giving a crap about me or his family by going out drinking and driving home drunk.)
Mostly what hurts is that he still only sees the PA (2-3 weeks from kissing to sex) part of the 10 month a as the bad part. He still thinks being friends with her before and after sleeping with her was okay. He's in therapy but he doesn't offer up any info the therapist doesn't ask for.
Some days I see progress in him and then he says something stupid.
So... did you think your marriage was in trouble during the a or was it a surprise to find out it was? I don't mean the normal ups and downs of a marriage but that it was really troubled.
It's interesting that you mention your H thought it was "okay" to be friends, particularly after the A. My H was the same way. They texted as "friends" for 2 more months after he ended things until I accidentally found out. I am still amazed that he thought it would be beneficial to remain "friends" with someone who had no respect for me, him or the sanctity of marriage (I know, neither did he). And of course, his plan was to keep this friendship secret from me so how long would that be sustained? Forever? I always ask him, if I didn't find out, would you keep texting and emailing her, seeing her like you'd see a friend and catch up, but all behind my back? How is that really ending things with her? There would always be the window to go back to a PA if you remained friends because adulterers can't remain platonic friends. Oh and did I mention she's half his age? Like they have so much in common? I disgusted just writing this out but wanted you to know you're not alone.
I'll never understand how these people get this stupid and hurtful. No one benefitted from what my H did...not even him.
yeah, not crazy after all. I will never doubt my gut again.
We argued about politics and he was just plain mean. I would be confused and then get mean back. He got meaner during the A. He would scream profanities at me. I couldn't believe that I actually had to say, "I'm allowed to have different opinions than you."
At the same time he was saying that we should be "working on the M." I was well aware that I was the only one working on it. We would do things together (exercise, ride bikes, etc.) and he would leave me behind. Then go exercise again after we were home (to call the AP). I was constantly confused about things due to the gaslighting.
If things would have been lacking sex wise then maybe i would have thought something was off but it was there.
the sex part hurts a lot. it really does. I was his only until the a. But what really hurts is the friendship they maintained so that neither one felt like the PA was wrong. It was like if I can be friends with the AP then it wasn't a total waste of time, right? moron.
But, looking back, we were very disconnected, largely due to some bad habits in our marriage, but also the terrible turn that his job took with travel. I do remember feeling kind of a sick, panicky feeling, like I needed to get things righted, quickly. Tried reading books, planning dates, etc. I felt so depressed - in retrospect, I felt it. Then, he started having issues in the sex dept (in our "sexless marriage" - ha!) and the affair imploded shortly thereafter.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:22 PM, March 10th (Monday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
About two years before, the taxes went up on the house we were renting and we couldn't afford it anymore. We were students and about to apply for jobs, so my parents offered us a place to stay with them. Obviously living with my folks was tough on our intimacy. X certainly didn't like it. But we were saving money, we didn't have to pay room and board, etc. I viewed it as one of those things that you have to do along the way towards your ultimate goals in life together.
X got an ideal job across country. We moved out. Bought all new stuff. Things were looking great. We would hold hands and tell one another "we made it!"
Then I got an offer for a job "back home." I was angling for a position at X's place and this job would help build my resume. It was short term (less than a year) and we agreed I should take it. Again, keeping our eye on our long term plans. We'd Skype every night and see each other as often as we could.
Once I left, his job started going south. Within a few months, the only person in the office who would talk to him was OW.
I got the job at his place of business. We started planning a housewarming/anniversary party for friends and family in our new "home."
I started to notice he was distant when we'd talk. I thought it could be the time change or that the distance was just starting to catch up with us. He started drinking a lot (always had a drink in his hand when we Skyped). I was planning to dump out all of his alcohol once I moved back in. He stopped making active plans for us to see each other. Then one weekend I couldn't get him on the phone and he wasn't where he said he was...
He came out to visit and it was awful. He was distant and a little bit mean. Friends wanted to see him and he'd avoid them. We'd go out to brunch with people and he wouldn't talk. Was drinking a TON and always smelled like alcohol. We had sex and he got all sweaty and aggressive and couldn't finish. He'd avoid me in the house. He would pretend to be asleep when I'd try to talk to him.
About a week later, and two weeks before I was supposed to move back and start the new job, I think he realized that I was going to find out. Once I started working with OW, there was no way I wouldn't see it. I knew he had been spending time with OW and her kid at the park and whatnot. I didn't mind him having a friend, but I made it clear that he has his own family and he wasn't going to be making play dates with someone else's child when I got back. The ride was over.
That's how DDay happened.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 4:26 PM, March 10th (Monday)]
When I saw that we were in trouble, I buckled down and tried to fix things. He decided to go out and screw pig or two.
So sure, we were in trouble. Now the trouble is compounded with lies and STDs with guilt and trauma.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Yes, pre-A, during A, after A. Things only started to get better after d-day.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
and then I hired a PI and busted him again. Why did it take THAT to set him straight? I told him and talked to him and raged and MC/IC, etc etc and it took me catching him red handed again to figure out what he wanted. What an incredible burden for the BS. Jeez.
And to this day I can't figure out if it was co-dependency in action or realizing that he was sick and needed help. I don't know if I threw him a lifeline or enabled him. Obviously, we were both a mess.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”