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User Topic: telling my mother-in-law
soloney
♀ Member
Member # 42621
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone told their WS's family about what they did?

Our family lives far away so I've only seen my MIL once since DDay. I was so irritated because she kept mentioning how great of a couple we are and how she is happy her son treats me so well. Little does she know he damn well better treat me well!!

Anyways I'm fairly close with her, we text and communicate regularly. I've thought about telling her the situation. It seems like it might make him more accountable for his actions and maybe be a support system for us.

I've only told 2 people. 1 friend was a big mistake, she basically said I'm married and have to deal with it. My other friend was a godsend. She is in recovery and she was able to listen to my entire story without judgment.

Anyways is it worth telling the MIL?


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if you want to tell her bc you believe she will be supportive for you I think that is important. If you want to tell her bc
It seems like it might make him more accountable for his actions

then maybe not so much!

He is either owning it now or he's not. He is either taking steps to make amends with you, working on introspection, or he's not. Whether Mama Bear is in the pic or not will likely not do much good if he hasn't stepped up since D-Day.

I wanted to tell my MIL for the wrong reasons. I actually wanted to hurt her (nice eh?) bc she has spent years draining us with her issues and her passive aggressive behavior. I wanted to SHOW her what her star son could do.

To date we have not told her. I am starting to feel more love for her now - I am looking at her own broken-ness and her ability to mother when she became a Mom and I am wondering if telling her soon will help everyone sit down and talk about things that needed to be spoken about long ago - especially between mother and son. IDK. But I no longer want to hurt her. And my H has owned this from the get-go.

Anyway, it sounds like you have a decent relationship with her. I will ask you what my IC asked me when I was talking to her about telling MY parents. She asked, "How have they handled crisis in the past? Where they there for you? Are they forgiving people? Or are they going to lose their minds?

The past (in this case) is a good indicator for the future.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2106 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never told ILs (or anyone else, really) about the previous As that we rugswept.

When I finally asked him to leave, after discovering yet another A, I told my MIL that I had asked him to leave. I hadn't intended to tell her everything, but knew I had to tell them something, since we live on the same property and it would be obvious when he moved out. Her first words to me were, "Oh, I can not handle this right now. I am having such a bad day."

It really pissed me off and I said that it was pretty tough on me, too. She nagged and picked and I finally said that I had found evidence of an A and that he had confirmed it. She proceeded to tell me that since I got sober, I had isolated myself from everyone and was no fun anymore, and it was no wonder he was lonely and sought other company. The highlight of that conversation was that my then 12 year old ds walked up behind me, unbeknownst to me, and she never let on. She let me spill the whole thing in front of him, which is how my child found out.

The last thing she said was, "If you only knew how many times I had to look past (FIL)'s behavior to keep the family together..."

I said, "Wow. Thanks, and congratulations. You created my H, who has now blown up my life." I can't remember what she said when I started seeing blood in front of me and walked out, slamming the door so hard I broke the glass.

I knew right then and there that I would NEVER have that conversation with a DIL, that I had to find a way to teach my boys the way to be a man. That was the one thing that truly hardened up my backbone. There were so many times during that year of hell that I wanted to just give in, rugsweep and take care of everything like I always had. But looking at my boys, and realizing that I was all they had at the time to show them the right way gave me the strength I needed.

I'm grateful now, for the way things worked out. My ILs and I sat down with JM right before he moved back home the final time, and we laid everything out. They were very humble and apologetic to me. They have both said multiple times that they are thankful for the stand I took and the changes in JM.

But it was damn tough in the early days.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2654 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
longnightmare
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my MIL and she was furious with him when we talked. But as soon as she left, she cut contact with me and supported him... so now that we've been back together I've had a lot of resentment towards her because I thought I thought we were family, and she just cut me out and condoned his actions... so I would say bad idea if you ever plan to fully Reconcile

Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
WinterBranch
♀ Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this, but I understand the pain of losing half your family. In my case, it's gonna be losing an excellent, upstanding BIL, two stepdaughters, and three very young step grandchildren (due to an age diff with STBX), all of whom live right down the road. It hurts. And you don't want them thinking poorly of you. You've worked hard for them to know you care about their person, and you would never hurt them, to establish a relationship where they know you and know you are dedicated to the one they love.

I'm here for you. I know you know, deep-down, what to do. And I support you in doing it. I suspect that his family knows him better than you think, and may not be as surprised as you anticipate. But I could be wrong. Hard to say what's right. My gut feeling is "blood is thicker..."

Nonetheless, it's a roundabout way of saying ((((soloney)))). I feel you.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Mar 2014
hear-me-roar
♀ Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the opposite, I told everybody but my mother/father-in-law. It would have broken her heart. Now, seven years later, she has passed. I am so glad I never told her. But, it just depends on family relationships. I felt close to her although we did not see each other that often.
After D-day, I asked WH how he would feel about himself if his mom was to know about it. He said he would feel like he disappointed her as much as he feels he did me. They were very close and I just couldn't destroy her. She had many family heartbreaks already. It would have been more hurtful than helpful.

However, in helping myself through my pain and all of his bullcrap lies, I told everybody else I was close to. I did that for me, to get it sorted out. I would have gone nutty if I did not speak my mind openly to people who care about me. I needed the caring back. I could not have done it without my friends & family. I also feel that if you are going to be so secret & hidden about things that aren't right, the discovery of them shouldn't allow it all to still be a secret. Well, only if keeping it secret helps you in the healing process. I just can't sugar-coat or keep things inside to deal with. Hence my user name, I guess. Ha!


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really close to my MIL. She has mothered me more than my own mother. When I was decompensating one night I said,"I just want to go and talk to your mom!". And WH said fine.

So I walked next door and told her everything!! She has been a wonderful support. She is mad as a hornet at WH, but I know that will fade over time. She told him early on she isn't giving me up. I wholeheartedly agree.

However, I told her that if for some reason someday push comes to shove, she needs to choose her son.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1675 | Registered: Aug 2013
Allornothing
♀ Member
Member # 42354
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL was one of the first people I called on for support. She has been an amazing source of strength and love for both of us.

She was devastated by what WH had done, but was able to show him kindness without condoning his behaviour, and I'm grateful for that. She took our kids away with her for a week, which took a lot of pressure off me.

It really does depend on how close your relationship with your MIL is, and whether she is equipped to help you weather the storm.


Me- BS 42
Him- FWH 42
Married 19 years, Together 25
Kids- 23,21,15,14
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant

Posts: 160 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Jacobswife
♀ New Member
Member # 42534
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told many people. I first called my brother in law. Several days later I did tell my in laws. It was hard because my MIL has never really liked me and still does not. But they needed to know. My WH's action affected so many people and he has to be held accountable.

Surprisingly my MIL supported me. That only lasted a week ot 2 then she went back to her usual behavior- I am just a stepping stone to get to her son. My FIL has been amazing! He asks his son many questions about how he is trying to "fix" things and how my children and I are coping.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!


Me:46
WH:42
Married: 13 years, Together: 15 years
Kids: daughter 12, son 9
Dday: January 10, 2014
Trying to reconcile!

Posts: 25 | Registered: Feb 2014
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case his parents were old and feeble; it would not serve any purpose for me to tell them. But even if they were healthy, I was never close to his family so I would not have told them anyway. I never told his sister, either. If something catastrophic ever happens, - like divorcing for example- his whole family will find out anyway.

Do you think your MIL can handle it? regardless of, the bottom line is that he is her son and even if she is mad at him, if it comes down to it, she will most likely side with her son. Maybe he should tell her????


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
lovehatelove
♀ Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would NEVER tell WH's MIL about his A... I do not like the woman and we don't have any sort of relationship...

she kept mentioning how great of a couple we are and how she is happy her son treats me so well.

The MIL does this also... actually, a lot of my family does as well... little do they know, that he's treated me like shit for a long time...... I don't even think they would believe me, honestly....


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually called my inlaws on DDay and ranted to them about what their son had done (moved out, cheating, not willing to work on things, etc.). Then afterward I called my own parents. (XMIL actually offered to call my mom for me )

I did it out of emotional rage.

In retrospect, I'm kind of glad I did, because I can guarantee my ex wouldn't have ever told them - he would have said the same thing he said to our mutual friends before he knew they knew - that marriage just wasn't the right thing for us and we both learned a lot but it was a mistake to get married. As it is, at least his mother recognized that something is wrong at a core level and that he needs help. Better her to worry over whether that happens than me.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13554 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never told my MIL or FIL. I did tell my parents and siblings as well as WH's siblings. I have avoided communications with MIL and FIL since DDay because I do not feel like they have the slightest understanding of what is going on in my or WH's life and do not want to deal with any of their comments or thoughts. I basically told WH that unless they know (and he tells them) I am not going to have anything to do with them for a while. So that is how it worked out.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never told my MIL or FIL. I did tell my parents and siblings as well as WH's siblings. I have avoided communications with MIL and FIL since DDay because I do not feel like they have the slightest understanding of what is going on in my or WH's life and do not want to deal with any of their comments or thoughts. I basically told WH that unless they know (and he tells them) I am not going to have anything to do with them for a while. So that is how it worked out.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
justme29
♀ New Member
Member # 41284
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not told anyone. I have imagined telling my MIL. I wonder what she would say. FIL was, probably still is, a serial cheater. They were D within a few years of our marriage.

I think it really depends on your relationship.


Justme
BS - 49
WH -50
Married 30 years.
2 daughters, 1 granddaughter.
D-Day 11-14-11
Why am I still here?

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Idaho
Topic Posts: 15

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