Had a bit of a "well duh" moment today that I'm sure is not news to many of you, but I'll post it anyway. I've been in a serious funk the last few days brought on by contact with my STBXWW last Friday. The contact was necessary in discussing divorce terms, but still, speaking directly to her, even if just through email, has been a major trigger.
All the hurt, anxiety, anger and sadness have bubbled back to the surface along with another feeling I couldn't quite put a name to at first, but I have experienced before. It is withdrawal.
I am a former smoker, so I know a thing or 2 about withdrawal. I have not had a cigarette in almost 5 years now, and most of the time, I don't really miss it anymore. I also know me, and I know I could never have just one. I had a few extended periods of abstinence back before I quit for good, and having just one triggered me back to nearly pack-a-day status. The only way I can ensure I remain a non-smoker and never have to deal with the intense withdrawal of trying to quit again is to completely abstain from smoking. The same applies to my STBXWW.
Unfortunately we will have some things we'll need to discuss and/or address before I can fully, truly keep NC. However, once D is final and her name is off everything I still own, it will get better I'm sure. There's still a part of me that is "addicted" to her and what we once had, and any taste of it, of her, only makes the withdrawal symptoms worse. It really is true - NC is the only way to truly heal.
Unlike smoking cessation, there's sadly no pill or anything I can take that will take the edge off. Just time, and NC. Guess I now know the true meaning of the phrase "drop him/her like a bad habit."