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User Topic: The End Sucks
Euphonasia
♀ New Member
Member # 39285
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of you don't know my story but here are the Cliff Notes: my STBXWH had an affair with a girl he met on college while supposedly taking care of his parents who are both elderly and ill. I found out and we tried to make things work. He went to the police academy in the same town as OW, quit the acady, took money from his parents, and stayed to have another fling while I was at home under the assumption that he was doing well.

I found out on the night of our local schools graduation where I am a teacher. I went on to the ceremony and heard sirens-sure enough, he had faked a suicide attempt. Three police officers met me on the field in front of the whole town. It was bad. I should have given up then. But no. We tried one more time. When I went on vacation withy mother and aunt, he took my car and went again. This time he moved in with her. Didn't even have the intestinal fortitude to tell me to my face. This was last April-June.

Today, we signed paperwork to make it
final. He showed up to collect the rest of his things with the whore. She was at my house. Perhaps to my credit, I didn't say anything to her. She sat in the car. I did tell him that he was a disgusting human being for bringing her to my house and that there was no way she was coming in.

I have battled so hard this year. I have been miserable. But I had finally gotten better, which made me happy. Now, today, all of those feelings are rushing back. I feel worthless and like a failure. Like everything is my fault. I just want to curl back up and die. I thought I was over this but I'm not. It still hurts and it is still raw. To be treated so cruelly by someone I loved and vowed to be with forever makes me feel like maybe it is me. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I'd love to say that I am innocent but I'm not. I could have done better. I could have been a better wife. I could have done a million little things differently. But honestly, would it change anything?

Perhaps I deserve it. I don't know. I wish I was a big enough person to wish them well but I don't. I wish for them to experience every torment that I have been living through daily. Maybe that bitterness will keep me from being happy. I don't know. All I can hope is that time will fix it all.


"When I die, hallelujah bye and bye, I'll fly away."
Multiple D-days, divorcing

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern United States
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your pain.

You do not deserve it, nothing you did would make his actions ok.

Please take care of you. Allow yourself time to be sad take the time you need to let things go.

If you can get into some IC to help you work through the pain it will help to have someone to bounce things off of, to know you are normal and these feelings will change.

Take care of you the best you can. Come here for support and hang in there.

You will be ok, it will take time, but you will heal.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Euphonasia))

Take care of yourself. Remember those good feelings from the not too distant past. Remember it's possible


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 693 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

What is, is. It is time to start looking forward. If you need to get into some counseling to help you set that course then please look into it. It doesn't need to be a sprint but step by step start moving that way. No one deserves to be cheated on and you do deserve to be happy. Your STBXWH's poor choices, it is his whacked out perception and putting himself that caused this. It doesn't make you worthless or a failure.

(((more hugs)))


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51525 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure that it doesn't feel like it, but today is a big day towards your ultimate healing. This is a big step. He's out of your house and well on the way to being out of your life. Now, hopefully, you can start looking into a new future without him causing your constant pain. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
hear-me-roar
♀ Member
Member # 17962
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sad for you today. This is such an open wound because it just happened today. And, having the OW tag along to your house for the finality of things, that is just a cut so deep.

She is a "control-freak" type whereas, you are not. She is a manipulator, and, you are not. She conives to sway him and he easily follows. You can bet it was her idea to go along because she wanted to have it hurtful for you. This is an evil person at heart.

You have done the best thing by not addressing her while she was there. I imagine that was a stupor to her anticipation of getting a wild reaction from you. That would have been a pleasurable experience for her. Never speak to her - ever. It will only open the door for more anguish.

Now for you - I feel you are a tender heart who believes in the best of people. That is why it is so hard to imagine and accept that others have the ability to be so hurtful of feelings. I believe we all think we could have done better in marriage. That we should have worked toward fixing some part of it before the affair happened. It is that refusal to believe the harshness of others that creates a blame within yourself. In time, you will begin to unfold out of this all consuming cocoon of heartbreak and you can come out a beautiful butterfly. But, for right now, you just feel trapped in that place of pain. There is no way around that for today.

I have never wanted to go and talk to a doctor of therapy. I prefer to read and look to friends for healing help (I shared the whole situation with them). And, I come to this site so that I am with others who understand. But, work toward finding whatever it takes to help crack open that cocoon. But to really fly, you must be rid of the thought that any of this affair was your fault - it was not. I wish you well in life.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2008
Euphonasia
♀ New Member
Member # 39285
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much. It helps. Especially hear-me-roar. I'm about a thousand percent sure that you were right about her. The only solace I draw right now is that karma is a beast. They'll get theirs.


"When I die, hallelujah bye and bye, I'll fly away."
Multiple D-days, divorcing

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern United States
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the OW tagged along to make sure her man wasn't going to make a play for his ex-wife. She doesn't trust him. You don't have to worry about having a man you don't trust because you cut that poison out of your life. Of course the sadness rushes back on a day like today. It must. It's a cleansing sadness that will wash away the final traces of heartache. This is why it's called a roller coaster. Just wait. You will feel better tomorrow or Wednesday. let the tears do their job and you will be just fine.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6065 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey. It is not you. You did not deserve it. Contrary to what you say, you are and were innocent. You tried your best. And no...doing it differently wouldn't make a difference.

The M failed because of who your ex is, not because you are a failure. And you do deserve to be happy and will be happy again.

Be sad about the end of the relationship you believed in, and mourn the loss, but don't blame yourself or drag your heart and self-respect through the mud. Now is the time to cherish and love and protect yourself as you try to heal. You are worth it. Take care of yourself like it's your job and keep moving forward to better things.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First if all I'm so proud of you for not acknowledging the OW. You took the wind out of her sails by not being visibly uoset I am sure. Kudos for that!
Second, regardless of the state of your marriage and how good or bad you think you may have been there were many other choices your stbx could have made. He could have asked for MC, he could have talked to you and said he was unhappy, he could have done any number of things. Instead, he chose to go outside yoir marriage. He made a decision for you about the course of your marriage that he had no business making. You were responsible for your part of the marriage issues, he was responsible for his oart of the marriage issues and 100% responsible for his A.
I know it hurts so deeply when someone you trusted, someone who once said tender , loving things is now saying hurtful things and renigging on his promises. Im so sorry for you.
You can be sure that this relationship will crash and burn as it is built in lies and deceit. He is a broken person cohorting with a broken person and their relationship is built on nothing right or good.
Right now you need to mourn the loss. You need to grieve. This is the time for you to do that. Let yourself mourn for what you have lost. You will survive. You will thrive again, its just gonna take time to get over this huge hurdle.
I agree that it would be helpful to get books on grief and divorce and also healing from an affair. Just because he's gone doesnt mean you're not still wading through all the garbage he dumped on you when he chose an A. A good IC can't hurt.
((Euthanasia)) Saying a prayer for you. Keep post in and let others support you. You're not alone.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 427 | Registered: Mar 2014
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard it said a lot that you can stay and be hurt or you can divorce -- but that doesn"t mean your not going to hurt. It doesn't mean your not going to suffer the pain of betrayal. So what you are feeling is normal. I'm sad for you, but there is also a bit of me cheering you on! Your clearly a brave strong person and in the coming months you will see that. Best to you.

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
Ivyivy
♀ Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength. There is nothing you did to deserve this. Don't ever blame yourself for the bad choices he made. You will get through this. You will have a new start and will not have to deal with him. Think of that as a good thing.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the OW tagged along to make sure her man wasn't going to make a play for his ex-wife. She doesn't trust him.

^^^^^ This!

The writing is on the wall for those two so don't fret. It's written in crayon though just like the childish couple they are and the statistics are in favour of it not lasting anyway.

I know you're hurting right now but one day you will be free and happy and strong. .... and they will still be them!

A leopard cannot change it's spots unless it's had IC.

OW was probably terrified he'd do to her what he did to you and run back to you and not warn her!! She's not sitting in the safe seat. She's sitting on a seat made from a hornets nest so she will spend their entire relationship trying not to get stung back!

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 2:47 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 13

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