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User Topic: how do I know if WS is staying for me
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a year since DD.

My trust is still not there yet. My gut feeling is that my SAWH is not staying in this marriage for me. He is staying for the kids and because, in his mind, it's the "right thing." He also probably doesn't want to look worse in anyone's eyes.

Last time I had a gut feeling about something he was having an affair and he lied to me for 2.5 years about it. And then for another 2 weeks once I figured it out. And then about the details for another 7 months. You get the picture.

I don't have any faith in this guy.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, March 10th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My trust is still not there yet. My gut feeling is that my SAWH is not staying in this marriage for me. He is staying for the kids and because, in his mind, it's the "right thing."

I'm not quite a year out from DDay - and I had, what 5 of them, last year from April to November (the affair kept going underground - he kept telling me with each DDay that it had ended).

Our stories are somewhat similar. 2.5 year affair. Prolonged period of discovery. TT for months (mine wasn't just TT it was more outright lies since he was fence sitting, cake eating, A still going on - all the while lying to me.)

Each time I never felt that WH was staying for me. I felt he was staying for the kids, etc. Exactly as you have described. After the final DDay in November (which was the actual ending of the A), my WH started to change toward me and our children.

I could literally feel him return to the marriage that I never felt in those times previously. I saw him mourn the loss of OW (apparently a true sign that the A has ended). I saw him come out of the fog and begin to be able to express his thoughts, feelings, etc. to me. Then I felt him return to me in a way that I had never felt from him before. Lastly, and most recently, I have experience true apology and remorse from him. Declarations of how horrified he is with himself over the whole affair. Viewing OW with disgust and disdain for her behavior and her part in their A.

My gut feelings have always proved to be right - I had a gut feeling about WH's affair for almost 2 years, but with no proof lived in denial.

Trust your gut. That to me doesn't mean making any sudden changes or movements. It just means that if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

I had to really make myself process the reasons why *I* was staying in the marriage, and if I could tolerate his reasons for staying if they didn't parallel mine. Although my WH is romance addicted, not sex addicted, so my situation is different on that level.

I wish you strength, peace, and answers.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
Topic Posts: 2

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