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User Topic: Dancing with a different partner
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím just going to go on record and say that I hate weddings. More than that, I hate BEING in other peopleís weddings. Call me lazy, call me selfish, call me a terrible friendÖthis has been nothing but drama.

Husband is best man in a wedding. I am also in the wedding, as a bridesmaid. So weíre both in it, but walking with different people down the aisle. As much as I DONíT want to watch my husband walk down as aisle (or anywhere else) arm in arm with the brideís hot, young, model-looking maid-of-honor cousinÖfine. Itís two minutes, and itís not like theyíre going to go at it in the middle of the wedding ceremony or anything.

The bride and groom have decided that they want to do a wedding party dance now too, and want people to dance with the partner they walked down the aisle with.
And there I draw the line.

Nope.

No way am I dancing with another man. I am married, I took my vows seriously, and Iím not going to do that as I find it very disrespectful. H feels the same way, but he feels awkward talking to his friend and telling him that people will have to switch partners or something, because we are not doing that.

I donít care. I know itís not about me, I know itís their day, not ours. I still have no intention of my marriage boundaries being crossed.

What does everyone else think- am I being completely unreasonable?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does everyone else think- am I being completely unreasonable?

Nope- you are not being unreasonable.


I find it very disrespectful. H feels the same way, but he feels awkward talking to his friend and telling him that people will have to switch partners or something, because we are not doing that.
Your H (as the best man) needs to man up and flat out refuse to do this. As another wedding party member, you too, can refuse. The happy couple still have enough time to remove this portion of the ceremony or pair up married couples, which is appropriate.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its great your both on the same page. Just tell them that dancing with others goes against your values and in both your minds disresoects your M and each other. Frankly this is good for them to see some M folks actively tending to their M and being mindful of respect.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Line dancing or disco with someone else, maybe, but probably not. Ballroom dancing, no way.

I know it's awkward, but H needs to bring this up - if he doesn't, it won't change.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10047 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..first, if you are both in the wedding party, why can't you walk down the aisle together?

..why is it SO important to the new bride and groom that you dance with that 'other' person?

..considering the infidelity you are dealing with, your reasons and boundaries are dead on and you should hold to your wishes that if there is any dancing to be done at the wedding, you will do it with your spouse and no-one else.. your WH should totally support you on this.

..does the bride and groom know anything about the betrayal? Maybe you both should take them aside and give them a hard lesson on what marriage is supposed to be and let them in on the level of pain and sorrow that results from either spouse cheating on the other..

..why hide it from them? .. there is much they could gain from your experiences and advice on the matter of fidelity.. who knows, they may thank you both for your honesty and it just might save their marriage in the long run.

..stick to your decision... if they don't like it, let them find another best man and bridesmaid!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4122 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
allusions
♀ Member
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never heard of a wedding party dance. Father-daughter, yes. Mother-son, yes. First dance as a couple, yes. I understand the Best Man escorts the Maid of Honor thing as part of a traditional processional to a wedding, but the dance is something entirely different. Tell the soon-to-be-married that you don't feel comfortable dancing with someone else.

I was Best Lady at a wedding a few years ago. I didn't walk with anyone!


Posts: 298 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I have dance together since we were in jr high. We both also dance with other people. Dancing with him is always different than with someone else - closer, more personal. When we go out, it isn't unusual for someone else to ask me to dance. I usually make sure that my H gives me the ok, and that's it. Of course, most of these people are friends or other people that I danced with before H and I were a couple. For me, it wouldn't be an issue. But, if it is an issue for you, then speak up. If you're worried it will cause a problem, why not talk to the groomsman you're walking with and plan to cut in to your H's dance and you take him and send your groomsman off with the maid of honor.

Posts: 1068 | Registered: Jan 2013
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the denomination I grew up in you can only dance with your spouse.

I'd use the "its against my religion" and both of you should say it.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2176 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't like dancing. If I was with someone who enjoyed it, I wouldn't have a problem with them dancing with other people.

If you are uncomfortable with it, though, you should speak up.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2224 | Registered: Feb 2010
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've done the wedding party dance and I was uncomfortable telling my xSO to step in asap. It was my BFF's wedding and I was maid of honor. It was pretty obvious to me that my "partner" had a crush and I mentioned it to xSO pronto...this is long before I allowed myself to follow the broken wayward road. He cut in about 30 secs in an I danced with no one else all night.

I've danced with friends and I take dance classes but there is an intimacy there that can happen if you allow it. If it makes you uncomfortable I think you both should speak up.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2723 | Registered: Oct 2012
justme29
♀ New Member
Member # 41284
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't "get it". Why would the wedding couple even insist on your dancing with someone else? It can't be that big a deal. If the whole wedding party is to dance and you are both in the wedding party - dance together. I get the best man and maid of honor is in the lead coming down the aisle. But past that? No.

If husband and groom are friends it should be a simple conversation.


Justme
BS - 49
WH -50
Married 30 years.
2 daughters, 1 granddaughter.
D-Day 11-14-11
Why am I still here?

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Idaho
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At our wedding the first song we danced to as a couple we were joined by our attendants dancing with their respective wedding partner. It lasted about 2 minutes. Then the significant others were asked to join the dance floor. It worked for us.

If you're uncomfortable with the situation, then you need to say something.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5061 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of all places, a wedding celebration should be about honoring all marriages. If I were you and/or your husband, I'd tell the new bride and groom that they need to be respectful of everyone's marriages, not just their own.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eew. That made me uncomfortable just reading it. I cant imagine asking a married couple to partner off with others to walk down the aisle or dance. That seemed like a boundary they should not have crossed to me. I remember being 6 mos pregnant and a bridesmaid in a friends wedding. My H was not in the wedding. It was very uncomfortable for me to walk down the aisle arm in arm with a strange man (though we had gone to the same H'S I didnt know him) Dancing was the worst. Felt like he was oggling me...a pregnant married mom. Yuck!!!.
You are right on with your decision decision say no. Perhaps they will realize they were cossing a line, perhaps not but it's entirely within your right to defend your boundaries to decline.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for validating that. I will talk to the bride since WH doesnít want to do it. I will simply let her know that walking down the aisle with someone else is fine (she and her soon to be groom were both in my wedding- he was a best man and walked with my sister who was maid of honor, and she was a bridesmaid who walked at the end with the groomsman standing at the end of the line), but it is crossing our boundaries to dance with someone else, and we will not do it. She can choose to let us switch partners, she can choose to make WH and I not dance at all with everyone else, or she can kick us out of the wedding if she wants to.

Hopefully she will be understanding. I have absolutely no intention of sharing private marriage details about my WHís behavior with her or really anyone whom I have not already shared with. Itís just painful to talk about, and I feel like it is humiliating to me.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you need to share the private details for why you don't want to do it. I don't think you even need to really talk about boundaries. I think it's perfectly acceptable for you to say that you don't feel comfortable dancing with someone other than your husband, and just leave it at that. If it was my wedding, I'd understand if a friend told me that.

For what it's worth, my xwBF told me that he "had" to dance with some girl when he went to Argentina because it would be rude to say no since it's part of their culture. It bothered me, but I didn't really know what to do about it. A year later I found out that he slept with his dance partner. So, I totally think that it's reasonable to not want your spouse to dance with someone else, even if you're there too. I also think that your WH should be willing to talk to his friend about it. It would show that he respects you and your boundaries.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:10 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1148 | Registered: Jul 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't being unreasonable at all.
*Unreasonable* would be demanding that you were shifted into *maid of honor* role or that your husband is demoted from best man.

You aren't fucking with the procession, which has a *flow* to it. Best man walks down the aisle with Maid of Honor because it would look pretty fucking chaotic if everyone in the front of the church was re-configuring themselves at the end of the aisle.

But *the dance* at the reception? Oh, step off, bridezilla. NO ONE is going to remember who walked down the aisle with who unless they pull out their program. Most people don't even pay attention to who is dancing in those *required* dances, they're too busy sucking down the liquor from the open bar. One bridal party member changes places with another....BigFuckingDeal. Heck, if those 2 *left in the dust* bridal party members are single...maybe a love-connection will happen.

He can talk to the groom, you can talk to the bride or you both can have a plan where you meet on the dance floor at the same spot and be a *couple* and tell the *procession* partners to dance together......bride/groom will just have to *get over it* afterwards.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:25 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7996 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must come from another planet I've never considered it disrespectful or in any other way awful to dance with another partner. Maybe it's where I'm from or the people I grew up with, but we all danced with each other. Traditionally, the last dance was for your SO, but otherwise, we all changed partners. Nothing sexual about it at all. It was just dancing.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20141 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with sadinaz on this one. I am one of the most extreme people I know and I have put up with zilch since the A came out. And I think it's one thing to feel uncomfortable. I'm with you there. But to say anything and demand or expect a change would be so at the risk of coming across as juvenile and petty. And your right it's not about you. I'm from the Midwest and this is a very commonplace practice. It's not not at all viewed as disrespectful. I don't know, but to say it's crossing marriage boundaries? Geez I just don't see it. Again this could be a regionally accepted practice in my area.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2012
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think without the history of cheating by your WH this would not be a reasonable boundary at a wedding. But with your history, you do what you need to in order to feel safe. Hopefully your friend will understand.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 29
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