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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to bring up an ex...
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I announced, currently dating a good man. There is only one area that I am unsure how to handle, and I've had conflicting IRL responses to this, so I'd see what SI has to say.

New Man (he needs a nickname…my BFF calls him SuperMan…not sure I'm quite ready to go there yet…) is well over his exww. No question. But, he did have another long relationship. exgf was 10 years younger and pursued him. They had one of those, from what he is describing, "intense connections", all rainbows and sparks, and in his words, "I was all about her and she was all about me". Well, after moving in together, she "freaked out when her son was dx with Autism" and asked him to move out. They continued to "work on the relationship" for several months afterwards, getting back together and breaking up several times. It finally ended last Thanksgiving when he discovered she was also dating someone else, and had been since May. So, cheating on him. He broke all contact and was very hurt.

What he describes is a fairly immature, emotional, drama girl. (she is just now 30, he is 40). She hated his exww and "that caused problems", gave HER exH a rash of shit about everything (to the point New Man said he felt sorry for her ex) and she and her ex broke up because "they were too young to handle marriage."

As I, and SI, can see….not a healthy relationship at the end. Not real sure it was a healthy one in the beginning. I hear that "post D first intense relationship and really difficult break up" when he talks about her. He acknowledges that getting over her was much harder than getting over his exww. SI can all agree that getting over that first post D relationship is a real bitch.

There is one tag of her on his FB page, all else was wiped clean. But, me being me, I followed that tag to see what she looked like. She is exotic and beautiful…and 30. All photos are of her in full makeup, hand on hip, looking sexy, full body poses. Us ladies know what I'm talking about. Showing off her body. A few pics of her kid. When I got to her page, New Man's mother and sister were recommended to me as "friends".

So….HIS mom and sister are still exgf's FB friends and I can see where his Mom commented on a very recent photo of her and her son.

I have not said a word to him about any of this. I have only asked if his family knew why they broke up, and he said "No, it is none of their business. I don't gossip." I have asked if he has told his family we are dating and he said, "No, I am a private person." He is not a regular FB user, just a few tags of photos that others have done. A few from his mom type stuff. Few of his dd from Christmas.

All this adds up to everything I have observed about him. He is a stoic, private man.

But, for me, the further I get into a relationship, I want some reassurance that he is "over" this exgf and won't go running back to her the moment she finds out about me and contacts him. I can feel that is what is going to happen.

I understand this is MY insecurity talking, but I don't HEAR where he is totally over her. He is still defending her actions a little. For example, when New Man moved in, her son slept in the bed with her (HUGE no-no in my book.) So son got upset when he was moved into his own room, and apparently was quite vocal. I said, "Yeah, it is never a good idea to let you kids sleep in the bed with you all the time…" His reply was, "Well, she was a single mom and needed sleep…you weren't there. It was how she survived."

I'm thinking….what I hear is you defending her.

If I am honest, I probably still defend my ex SO's actions a little too. So, I get defending someone. But, it's been almost a year since we had contact and New Man knows it is long over. There was only one instance of attempting to get back together and it was over again quickly when words and actions didn't meet.

OH, and I mentioned that saying, "When words and actions don't meet…you have a problem." He said to me like a week later, "When you said that it really rung a bell with me. That is how exgf treated me. She didn't want me, but she didn't want anyone else to have me either."

SOOOO. Do, I bring up that his Mom and Sis are still on her FB page? They've been broken up 5 months. No contact. He isn't ready to tell his family about me yet, and I think (for him) that is very normal. He has dated other women a few months and not introduced or mentioned. I don't want to look like a stalker, but I also want to be careful that I'm not "fighting her ghost", if you know what I mean.

He isn't bringing her up, except in context to the Aspie and Dyslexia stuff going on with my kids. He went to all the doc appointment with exgf and son and was very involved in that process…so he has "beentheredonethat". When he DOES talk, I can hear the pain still. THAT is what bothers me a little.

He seems to be into me, no flags at all. Words and actions meet 99% of the time. Tells me he likes me, easy talk of monogamy and some very early "future talk". I don't feel pushed into anything. He isn't rushing monogamy or a relationship or sex. It is just easy and natural.

My BFF says let sleeping dogs lie and don't say another word and just fucking be happy. Other friends have said if it bothers me, I need to pursue it.

What says SI??


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say your BFF is a wise person.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember that with the various privacy filters you can set on FB and how you can categorize your friends, you may not be seeing exactly how active a FB user is. Just be careful. Especially if he is a very private person, it would not be odd for this type of person to have levels of inner circles on FB. Be careful that private and secret don't overlap.

BUT... all of that is normal in an early dating situation!!!

He isn't rushing monogamy or a relationship or sex. It is just easy and natural
.

These are your WORDS. Now makes sure your actions meet!

Do, I bring up that his Mom and Sis are still on her FB page?

NO NO because that is the exact opposite of natural and easy.

I get looking. I get being informed and cautious. But that is something you do for your own information and verification that his actions meet his words. I think it is a mistake to question him with it.

If it were me, and a new beau started questioning my pictures and who my mom was friends with and what my sister said on FB.... I would come here and we would call him controlling and crazy and resounding "block him" and "get a security system/big dog" cautions would be common. Right?

My take is look. Think. Wait. Enjoy dating this nice man and give him a chance to live up to your expectations.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, I know. This is why I haven't said anything. I think it is too soon and I'm waiting to see how he acts.

The more I like him, the more I don't want to get hurt. So, I'm fighting my own walls now. My BFF says I'm looking for problems, and part of me knows I am. Part of me knows I'm also protecting myself, which means I like him.

This is why I come and get this shit out on SI.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I agree with your BFF.

I also think that you need to be more confident in the awesomeness that is you. Not just your looks vs. her looks, but who you are as a person.

Just as you are watching actions, not words.....so is he. And he is seeing what kind of person you are. I think she pales in comparison. Let him come to that conclusion on his own.

In the meantime, just be fucking happy.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH cmego....

Leap, jump, free fall. Let those walls go. You are a survivor. You have been through hell and back and survived. You are hella strong and worth the risk. You are worth the risk and YOU should take it. Whatever the worst possible thing that COULD happen, you could survive that too.

You are not alone and talking it out here is just further proof of how WORTH it you are.

Please.... BET ON YOU. Obviously, we all do.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My EXSO whom I dated for 2 1/2 years before my current SO is still my friend on facebook and I am still very close to his mother, his sisters and his nieces. I loved his family and they were very good to me. We don't have contact on a regular basis, Christmas, birthdays, or maybe a comment about a new photo and such and I would really hate to have to give that up. Does this mean that I still have feelings for EXSO, yes and probably will always feel very kindly towards him but love him or want him back...absolutely not.

I understand that are all insecure to some degree especially in a new relationship but I personally would not pursue this unless he gave you a valid reason to.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This, Care….
OH cmego....
Leap, jump, free fall. Let those walls go. You are a survivor. You have been through hell and back and survived. You are hella strong and worth the risk. You are worth the risk and YOU should take it. Whatever the worst possible thing that COULD happen, you could survive that too.

You are not alone and talking it out here is just further proof of how WORTH it you are.

Please.... BET ON YOU. Obviously, we all do.

…is what makes you an incredible person.

Thank you. Truly.

Part of me is simply pinching myself. Like, I can't believe this is happening. Which then makes me doubt myself.

We had another great date tonight. I didn't think once about his exgf.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brene brown says if you close off the bad stuff, you also shut down joy and the good stuff.

The feelings of protection are the flip side to your beginning to open up and be vulnerable.

I get it and did it too. In fact, I recognized I was watching like a hawk for the other shoe to drop so I could shut down and protect. Once I figured out it was all me and not his actions at all, I stopped watching for that shoe.

Can you ever be sure? Probably not, as my ex is with his hs gf from 30 years back that he claimed he was over. But me policeing him wouldn't have stopped that from happening. But why worry over something you can't contol.

Sounds like his actions match his words, it's not a mistake to trust.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had another great date tonight. I didn't think once about his exgf.

I'm happy to read this! I agree with the others... enjoy yourself and let yourself be happy!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is the crux for me…begin able to let go of the control of my life, and let the happiness in.

I'm starting to have to face the walls in order to let him in. Stop protecting myself from the "what ifs" and just let go.



me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BFF says let sleeping dogs lie and don't say another word and just fucking be happy.
^^^This! She described him as Superman not Perfectman. No one is perfect and we all have baggage including you. Don't let your baggage cause you to overthink things and create issues where there are none. You should enjoy what you have now and live in the moment. He hasn't given you any signs that he is anything other than who he says he is so just roll with it. Have fun, enjoy it, and don't get in the way of your own happiness.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 12

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