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User Topic: DDay 3 - it went underground
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we both felt like we were making great progress.

No, I'm sorry. He was lying his face off and wasting your time.

I know you still love him, and that's ok. You don't have to stop loving him to know that he's not any kind of husband you want. The person that he is right now is not an acceptable partner in any way. Please start detaching and taking steps to protect yourself. ((HUGS))

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6810 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is deep in the fog, and needs something to bust him out of it. If you make it too easy, he'll fence sit forever. I agree to not say how you know, and to check in with a divorce lawyer. Bring it up in MC, say what you know in general terms, and let him wonder how you know. My guess is also that he doesn't want to leave you, but he is weak and his brain is addled by affair-high neurochemicals, flattery, compliments, etc. Whether this is fixable or not remains to be seen.

Many times WH's just need an "out" of the affair. I don't know why him telling you wasn't enough, but if he sees you are serious about leaving his sorry butt if he continues, then maybe he'll come back to reality.

Doesn't sound like things are going well with him and the AP, so that is in your favor. I assure you things will only get worse between them if it continues.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:01 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alototolose -
You are stuck in a cycle of abuse, emotional abuse, he has you so pushed into a corner that you can't see your way out. You are afraid to loose your marriage. Sister that ship has long since sailed. You just didn't get the departure notification.

You are very codependent in your thoughts. You talk about how you weren't the best W, and you are making changes so your M will be better. Can you see how insane that is? "IF I am the perfect wife then he will stop." That mentality is what allowed me to let my H continue in his A for months before finally getting the balls to get proof. Read my profile, I started out scared and weak, and I am not a weak person. It was awful.
I allowed him to verbally abuse me, and be me down mentally so that I was too afraid to act, and to be strong. All that got me was hurt more.

You don't have to choose confrontation or divorce. You can tell him you know that he is still in contact and that he has to end it now, or leave. You deserve more, and you are no longer going to be his doormat. Before you confront pack him a bag, let him know just how serious you are. Until you stand up for yourself and what is right he will continue to do what he is doing.

Now if you don't want to confront, and pretend all is well, and allow him make you an option, and a doormat, then be prepared to watch the same damn thing happen to your kids.

You deserve much more, it's time to dig in the closet, back there in the old clothes, you know the stuff from before you had babies, and got married, yup, way in the back, hidden there is an amazing pair of Red Leather Stilletto Heeled, Thigh High, kick ass, Bitch Boots, go get em out dust em off, polish em up and put em on. You can do this, and will be amazed at how wonderful you feel when you start to put you number one and demand the love and respect you deserve.

Oh and I would see a lawyer like yesterday.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If it's not this OW it will be another OW.

He's checked out of the marriage.


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

elvis left the building....honey he checked out of this hotel a long time ago....if not this ow,then another...please get this.he does not want you...or the cannot make him love cannot make anyone stay when they already deserve better than this yourself

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that we can be happy, but while I was withholding intimacy, he found it with someone else. I was also moody, and unappreciative of his efforts as a husband, which I have acknowledged . Instead of discussing this with me, or asking to go to MC, he decided to have an A instead. Now, he thinks that he is in Looooove with her, and I'm afraid that I've lost him.

You're soooo close to getting it. Ok, you own what you did. You likely did it because of issues you didn't communicate about- or tried to and he ignored. Not healthy, but still healthier than cheating.

Take this in:
He chose to have an A.
He chose to pick self.
He's still choosing this...after nearly 2 years according to your sig line.

This isn't about you, or about the OW. He's not in luuuuv. He's using her as much as he's using you. Now he's got you willing to watch him with his girlfriend and be his Plan B.

At the very least do the 180. It will help you detach from him. So you can see yourself as a person worthy of love again. You're not going to see that as long as you're looking at yourself through his eyes....whether or not he loves you.

Get rid of this OW and there will just be more. Why? Because you're both making the M all about him. Don't want to D? Fine. At least stop making the M all about him and see if he can handle that.

One last mentioned you were there for the kids even with this pain? He's being a shitty father right now. There's no way he can be present for them like he should. And he's hurting their mother. As they grow and see this behavior, daughters will learn this is how husbands treat their wives and sons will learn this is how they should act. Their respect towards you will most likely be a partial reflection of how their father treats you. Do you want that for them?

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
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Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sooooo angry right now for you. I wish you would be just as angry. One DDay may be an anomaly. A second is a choice. and a third is disgusting. And you think that somehow you are responsible for this? That if you hadn't withheld affection, he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. I call bullshit.
For the longest time, I blamed myself for my XH looking elsewhere. I wasn't the perfect wife. We used to fight. I wasn't interested in intimacy when 2 minutes ago we were yelling at each other - my bad! But there is no way in hell that I will ever blame myself again.
Think about it this way. Has he been a model husband? Has he given you what you wanted all through the years? Likely not. But you didn't go find it with someone else. The problem is HIM.
He needs to piss or get off the pot. He won't make the decision. YOu make the decision - not for him, but for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
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Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really should tell him in MC that you KNOW the A is still going on. Why even go to MC if you don't throw all on the table.

It would be like having no food in the house, going to grocery store, buying shampoo and paper towels. You went to the grocery store but you still have nothing for dinner.

You deserve better than him.

Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking from the outside and this is what I see.

A nice lady that is devastated and trying everything she knows to help the situation.

What I also see is a man with horrible character. This is what he has shown:

self absorbed
steals (money and time from the family and then lies about it)
broke vows
blames you
master manipulator (who takes a wife to MC while in an active affair and lies to both)
poor father

Why do you want to be with someone like this?

Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever you do DO NOT tell him about the VAR- ever..
I confronted my FWH after Dday#2 at our MC appt. only after months of knowing and listening. And when I was asked how I knew I just said " I know and that's all you need to know" and I gave certain specifics but not word for word. I was recording him, keylogging the computer and tracking h is cell phone. I never told him what I was doing. After Dday # 1 -18 months before, he knew I was checking his phone and I showed him the emails that I found.
He cried ,begged you name it, agreed to MC. What he really was doing was setting up secret emails and a secret phone. After I decided to keep how I was doing this to myself- I caught him in lies and knew the answer to my questions before I asked him. It was a mess.
Now after 2 years of MC we are on the road to R. He still does not know about the VAR or the GPS tracker and he never will. I haven't used them in awhile because I'm tired of playing detective and sometimes I just don't care. I figure if he chooses to do this again, I'm done.

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was the king of underground. I feel for you, I really do.

What you need to remember is your WH is lying to both of you. He is telling OW what she wants to hear. He doesn't necessarily mean it, but he wants to keep her around and that is the only way to do it. Could you imagine him saying to OW "I will never leave my W and I love her dearly, but I want to be with you to". What woman is going to get all mushy over those lines (well there may be some).

Like others have said "Kick him off the fence". In counseling tell him you know he is still in the A and tell the counselor this will be the last appointment since it is fruitless to be in counseling with a liar. If he acts all stunned and lies some more DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR RESOURCES. Simply walk out and let him finish the session if he wants. Then pull a hard 180.

Next go to an attorney and find out your rights.

Will you be upset when/if he goes to OW, sure you will be, but you will heal faster when he is out of the home. You are living in pure hell right now.

Please for yourself and your children - protect yourself and stand up for the woman you are!!!

WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Nov 2007
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone been here? He will not stop seeing her!!!

Been there! I don't even count Ddays after the first because he never really stopped seeing her. I did monitor his cell for a couple months before i (FINALLY) kicked him out. Same disgusting thing. He swore up and down he was going to leave me. Was "transparent" with the OW because she felt she was being cheated on by MY HUSBAND (with me )
Then she got pregnant.
It's just way too much shit to put yourself through! Don't let him hoover you. There is no marriage left. Either he is committed to rebuild and works at it, or it's over.

me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 42434
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not confronted him, but did put the var back in his car this morning. He met her before work, and she was in his car! She broke up with him, and he tried to stop her at first but then said that he is tired of hurting her and does realize that he isn't brave enough to get a d.

He was crying like a little b.

He has been so nice to me all say, obviously I know why.

I have such mixed feelings right now.

Him: BH
DD1: 7/12 EA
DD2: 1/14 EA, possible PA same OW
3 kids
In R

Posts: 25 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't want to hear this, but now is the time to tell him you know he's kept the A going and want a D.

This breakup is typical OW games. Soon enough they will start the A over again, but less likely if he's focused on having to win his BW bak.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11229 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly believe that once she is out of the picture we will be able to build a m that is stronger than it ever was.

So what about down the road, when all you can think about is that he's with you because she pulled the pin on him? That he's back with you because you're Plan B? That he still thinks about her? That his feelings for you weren't strong enough to get him to take action and go NC with her?


Take control, honey, don't take the crumbs.

Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This could start up again since OWs pull these tricks to get WH to act.

If she is M consider telling her B or BF. Exposing this to light of day may help if WH is truly concerned about his reputation.

Seeing a L great idea. Maybe ur state has alienation of affection laws which means you could sue her for damages. Or maybe ur state has laws against adultery which u might leverage as wake up call. Good to know all your rights and options.

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This story sounds familiar, ow2 was pressuring my h to leave me, as well. I caught him talking to her on the phone in his man cave (my basement) when I flipped out and told him I was leaving, suddenly I'm the love of his life. He wants to work on our marriage, blah blah, blah. Same thing happened with OW1, the magic was over the second discovery was made. He dropped both of them like a bad habit. I'm coming to realize what he's really saying. He does not want our friends, our 21 year old daughter, 25 year old son and mostly his mom,dad and brothers to know what a piece of shit he is. He also does not want to se 1/2 of our marital assets leave with me. I'm also not foolish enough to believe he won't do it again. I don't think your h or mine had any intention of leaving, the OW is just not worth the consequences.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2011
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