we both felt like we were making great progress.
No, I'm sorry. He was lying his face off and wasting your time.
I know you still love him, and that's ok. You don't have to stop loving him to know that he's not any kind of husband you want. The person that he is right now is not an acceptable partner in any way. Please start detaching and taking steps to protect yourself. ((HUGS))
Many times WH's just need an "out" of the affair. I don't know why him telling you wasn't enough, but if he sees you are serious about leaving his sorry butt if he continues, then maybe he'll come back to reality.
Doesn't sound like things are going well with him and the AP, so that is in your favor. I assure you things will only get worse between them if it continues.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:01 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
You are very codependent in your thoughts. You talk about how you weren't the best W, and you are making changes so your M will be better. Can you see how insane that is? "IF I am the perfect wife then he will stop." That mentality is what allowed me to let my H continue in his A for months before finally getting the balls to get proof. Read my profile, I started out scared and weak, and I am not a weak person. It was awful.
I allowed him to verbally abuse me, and be me down mentally so that I was too afraid to act, and to be strong. All that got me was hurt more.
You don't have to choose confrontation or divorce. You can tell him you know that he is still in contact and that he has to end it now, or leave. You deserve more, and you are no longer going to be his doormat. Before you confront pack him a bag, let him know just how serious you are. Until you stand up for yourself and what is right he will continue to do what he is doing.
Now if you don't want to confront, and pretend all is well, and allow him make you an option, and a doormat, then be prepared to watch the same damn thing happen to your kids.
You deserve much more, it's time to dig in the closet, back there in the old clothes, you know the stuff from before you had babies, and got married, yup, way in the back, hidden there is an amazing pair of Red Leather Stilletto Heeled, Thigh High, kick ass, Bitch Boots, go get em out dust em off, polish em up and put em on. You can do this, and will be amazed at how wonderful you feel when you start to put you number one and demand the love and respect you deserve.
Oh and I would see a lawyer like yesterday.
If it's not this OW it will be another OW.
He's checked out of the marriage.
You're soooo close to getting it. Ok, you own what you did. You likely did it because of issues you didn't communicate about- or tried to and he ignored. Not healthy, but still healthier than cheating.
Take this in:
He chose to have an A.
He chose to pick self.
He's still choosing this...after nearly 2 years according to your sig line.
This isn't about you, or about the OW. He's not in luuuuv. He's using her as much as he's using you. Now he's got you willing to watch him with his girlfriend and be his Plan B.
At the very least do the 180. It will help you detach from him. So you can see yourself as a person worthy of love again. You're not going to see that as long as you're looking at yourself through his eyes....whether or not he loves you.
Get rid of this OW and there will just be more. Why? Because you're both making the M all about him. Don't want to D? Fine. At least stop making the M all about him and see if he can handle that.
One last point...you mentioned you were there for the kids even with this pain? He's being a shitty father right now. There's no way he can be present for them like he should. And he's hurting their mother. As they grow and see this behavior, daughters will learn this is how husbands treat their wives and sons will learn this is how they should act. Their respect towards you will most likely be a partial reflection of how their father treats you. Do you want that for them?
It would be like having no food in the house, going to grocery store, buying shampoo and paper towels. You went to the grocery store but you still have nothing for dinner.
You deserve better than him.
A nice lady that is devastated and trying everything she knows to help the situation.
What I also see is a man with horrible character. This is what he has shown:
steals (money and time from the family and then lies about it)
master manipulator (who takes a wife to MC while in an active affair and lies to both)
Why do you want to be with someone like this?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
What you need to remember is your WH is lying to both of you. He is telling OW what she wants to hear. He doesn't necessarily mean it, but he wants to keep her around and that is the only way to do it. Could you imagine him saying to OW "I will never leave my W and I love her dearly, but I want to be with you to". What woman is going to get all mushy over those lines (well there may be some).
Like others have said "Kick him off the fence". In counseling tell him you know he is still in the A and tell the counselor this will be the last appointment since it is fruitless to be in counseling with a liar. If he acts all stunned and lies some more DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR RESOURCES. Simply walk out and let him finish the session if he wants. Then pull a hard 180.
Next go to an attorney and find out your rights.
Will you be upset when/if he goes to OW, sure you will be, but you will heal faster when he is out of the home. You are living in pure hell right now.
Please for yourself and your children - protect yourself and stand up for the woman you are!!!
Has anyone been here? He will not stop seeing her!!!
Been there! I don't even count Ddays after the first because he never really stopped seeing her. I did monitor his cell for a couple months before i (FINALLY) kicked him out. Same disgusting thing. He swore up and down he was going to leave me. Was "transparent" with the OW because she felt she was being cheated on by MY HUSBAND (with me )
Then she got pregnant.
It's just way too much shit to put yourself through! Don't let him hoover you. There is no marriage left. Either he is committed to rebuild and works at it, or it's over.
He was crying like a little b.
He has been so nice to me all say, obviously I know why.
I have such mixed feelings right now.
This breakup is typical OW games. Soon enough they will start the A over again, but less likely if he's focused on having to win his BW bak.
I truly believe that once she is out of the picture we will be able to build a m that is stronger than it ever was.
Take control, honey, don't take the crumbs.
If she is M consider telling her B or BF. Exposing this to light of day may help if WH is truly concerned about his reputation.
Seeing a L great idea. Maybe ur state has alienation of affection laws which means you could sue her for damages. Or maybe ur state has laws against adultery which u might leverage as wake up call. Good to know all your rights and options.