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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Slow Process
Mom23DC
♀ New Member
Member # 42382
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the process of working through all this shtuff have to be so slow? Since DDays I believe that WH has done everything "right", as far as I can tell. He has had NC and I believe he has answered most of my questions truthfully.
Frustrating part is that I feel like he has kept the biggest secret (PA) from me for so long that it seems like now that its all out there in the open, he is free from that burden and able to move on. It is not that easy for me. He made the call and began IC but at this point has had 1 session & his next session is not until April. He said that unless he was suicidal or something more drastic that was the soonest the counselor could fit him in. I believe this but find it soooo stressful to be dragging this whole process on.
I don't know if we can recover fully from this and that is somewhat dependent on what he works through in IC. I was looking for a reason to leave before I found out about his infidelity because even before I knew I was pretty sure he didn't really want to be married or have kids (ummm, too late). Now that I have my reason it's not that easy to walk away.
Grrrrrr... I hate this. Guess, I have to face it that it's time for me to begin IC for myself so that I take control over moving forward (in whatever direction). And no, I still have not told anyone (other than here) what has happened. I am ashamed for him.


Me = BS
Dday EA? (texting/chatting) 1/18/14
Dday PA (from 5 years ago) 2/3/14
Married 15 years, 3 DC

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you completely, it is so overwhelming to think how long this all takes.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to face it that it's time for me to begin IC for myself so that I take control over moving forward (in whatever direction). And no, I still have not told anyone (other than here) what has happened. I am ashamed for him

I don't know you well enough to know if you really need IC or not, but I can tell you that if you don't start putting you and your needs first then you will never properly heal from this. His healing is up to him, and yours is on you. Yes he did this and broke the M, and broke you, but he can't put you back together, that has to happen from within. He can support, and hold the pieces while you glue, but he can't do the work for you.

In addition it sounds like you are waiting on therapy to be the magic bullet to cure/heal/help him. There is a ton of stuff he can and should be doing on his own.
He should be reading books on how to help your spouse heal, he should be giving you all the support and reassurance that you need. He also should be as transparent as a window, and as kind as the pope.

Lastly it is not your job or responsibility to carry the shame of his choices. Find one person to share with. A sibling that won't judge no matter your decision, a pastor, a coworker that has BTDT, but someone. YOU will find that getting it out, sharing with someone helps to lift the burden. Don't get me wrong SI helped me through all this, and probably kept me mostly sane, but nothing takes the real life support that you can get.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7784 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Mom23DC
♀ New Member
Member # 42382
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely don't see counseling as the magic pill (though I understand what you mean), but more that I need him to go to the sessions enough to know if he is going to follow through with recommendations and work through some of his background issues. Only then do I feel like I will know if fully committing to R is worth my time. I need to see action, not just hear the words.
I also wonder if IC for myself is the way to go because then it will be a neutral party that I can unload all this on and not fear judgement later on. There are other factors as well that contribute to my sense of being overwhelmed right now...not only am I trying to figure out the marriage role, but am also trying to be a good mother and keep my kids sheltered. My youngest has special needs and his behavior has been very challenging lately (husband is NO help in this area). Plus, I am in nursing school. I would like nothing more than to escape my life for a little bit some days. So, that's where the "taking care of me" part becomes difficult. No time to deal with extra shit.
Thank you for your replies. I haven't posted here very often but sometimes I just need to vent.

[This message edited by Mom23DC at 5:08 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS
Dday EA? (texting/chatting) 1/18/14
Dday PA (from 5 years ago) 2/3/14
Married 15 years, 3 DC

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok based on your prior Post I thought counseling was you only hope. I totally get how tough being a mom and being in nursing school and taking care of you can be.

It may be that you out yourself first by focusing on school and being able to support yourself. R and the decision to R doesn't have to be made today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. Let his actions show you if the gift of R is worth offering.

By doing that you are putting yourself and your needs first. You absolutely have to take care of you. If you don't no one else will.

(((( and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7784 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe you should understand that the odds are against your marriage and love for your spouse ever again being the same. Not too sound harsh or to discourage you, but that part of your life is now gone forever.
Hopefully in its place you will find something new and exciting you will be able to build on.
Wishing the best for you and your family.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It also seems that your husband needs to start being a help to you with your special needs child. His time to be able to skate on that responsibility should be over.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Topic Posts: 7

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