I edited this from my previous post, I like it much better, hope you do, too. Sorry it's so long.
Who was this person that I had become?
Passive, anxious and just plain dumb.
I tried to hang on though the rope was quite thin,
I looped my fingers around it, held tight
and fought with all my might, bracing for the end.
Would the end be today, tomorrow or next year? Who knew, I had to play it by ear.
That wasnít easy as the song would change each day. Today itís a fight song, tomorrow a love song and sometimes, the music would stop. The silence would comfort me and at times, it scared me. I just never knew when the hammer would drop.
Were we going back to the Ďoldí us? The normal, Ďlife is good coupleí? Or were you just having a moment of guilt or remorse?
I tried to analyze your every move, understand how you felt, wonder what would be your next course.
Every once in a while, you would give me some hope, youíd
throw me a bone and I devoured it like a ten-course meal.
Not knowing if this was your last effort or just an act of sympathy.
Why did I not stand firm and be the person who was inside of me?
That person, that woman is confident and strong. She is the one who takes charge and makes rights of things gone wrong.
But this time, it wasnít so easy. My heart was crushed and you couldnít or wouldnít see me and my pain.
You were the one who had to help with the repair. But, you were also the one who put the knife in there.
How does that work? Being the one who injured me, devastated me and now has to help? It doesnít make much sense. You really didnít care how my heart felt.
I had to reach inside myself and find that strength. It was there, buried deep down. I realized that no one could make me better except me. I alone could decide to cope. That woman who is strong, the one who has hope --
-- She is amazing and she is me. My life has changed but it hasnít destroyed me.
Life would go on if I had to go it alone. Itís not what I would want. But it feels good to know, the worry and pain will pass and I will continue on and continue to grow.
I see now that taking care of myself, being true to myself is the only way. I cannot and will not allow the same mistakes to be made.
Not just yours, but mine, too. There were lessons to be learned on both our parts. Would lifeís lessons cause us to fail? Or would it be the glue that mends our fractured hearts.
Iíve learned I am a woman with strength, confidence and a kind spirit. This I now know. It wasnít always easy to see. How can I love you if I donít first love me?
Sometimes love isnít enough.
We also need to have, honesty, respect and trust. If we canít have all of those, then we canít have us.
H-45y M-12 yrs
06.30.12-- full PA with 24y ho-worker
08.16.12 DDay #2-are you f**king kidding me?
07.21.13-Dday #3-filed for divorce the next day
R #2-hopeful but cautious.