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User Topic: If your parents are still together
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at the bitter life my parents (still together) lead after infidelity early in their marriage. I should be running as quickly as possible away from WH.

Instead I am using it as inspiration. It makes me want to reconcile completely, without resentment and gives me permission to walk away if that can not be achieved.

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents are both gone. Mom first and Dad was never the same. I believe he indirectly died of a broken heart. They had a good M with much devotion and love and no A's.

My M on the other hand was often stormy. THEN infidelity hit and its never been the same. Selfishness, entitlement, PA, non communicatorand to lazy to do the work that a WS needs to do.

He is now ill and I guess my only job is caretaker but I am seeing myself getting stronger every day. I don't think its my job to have to care for someone who has treated me so bad and continues to lie and deny facts that I have 100% proof of. He is weak and insecure and I a now strong and detaching more every day.

I think my parents would tell me to respect myself first. I miss them and their wisdom so much.

His parents have no A's in their M either. Both are gone now also.

I hate to think they are watching down from heaven and seeing all of this. And its not the A.s as much as the lies to me and about me that did me in.

BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14

Posts: 3099 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: somewhere over the rainbow
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s. And while it was awful and sad, it didn't change my life really at all (other than visiting two houses for holidays). My mom left my dad when my younger brother finished college, she had been waiting for years. She evidently in IC for a while. They did not have a loving M, but they did parent well and never fought over us kids and were always a united front. Didn't really fight about any big stuff, but my mom was unhappy and there are very different people. The only thing that I was disappointed about was that she never told my dad she was "that" unhappy or suggested MC. But anyway, all is good now.

My M fell apart after kids. My ex was not prepared for the realities of family, M, finances. He was never awful, but he withdrew. I ended up running the show and doing 99% of the stuff around the house with him just working long hours. Totally set himself up for a young thing at the bar who "appreciated" him. Anyway, I was VERY unhappy in my M and had suggested MC on a couple of occasions. He refused, and this was before the affair. When he became actually mean during the affair (I had no clue why at that point) I remember thinking I will just make it through to when the kids were in college (they were 4 and 6 at the time).

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My parents were together for 30 years before they divorced. They got back together for short periods after that but didn't stay together. Sadly my dad passed away last year.

Even though I was grown when they divorced it still hit me hard and I still can't get on with my mum's new husband.

My parents marriage was not easy. My dad had a motorbike accidents early on and was left with brain damage which made him violent. Mum really struggled as did us kids but we all understood it wasn't really him lashing out and we loved him regardless.

H's parents have been together 45 years but have had infidelity in their story and are an example of what I DON'T want our R to be.

My grandparents are my role models. My granddad was suspected of cheating once, Nan found him with a woman in his car kissing. She forgave him and they were the most devoted and adoring couple I have ever met. He died 26 years ago and she still has his photo next to her at all times and shows everyone that goes to see her. She is a bit senile and it's the first thing she asks when you walk in, have you seen a pic of my husband? Then she shows you proudly and says how handsome he was and she can't wait to be with him again. It's very bittersweet to see.

Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of my trying to save my M was because I had very limited experience with D--only two cousins were D, and both because of domestic violence.

My parents were NOT role models for a good M even though they stayed together for 43 years till my dad died. My father was an alcoholic and a 'guy's guy'--always out with the boys. We were dirt poor because of this, but we kids never knew it because my grandfather took care of us financially. It was doubly embarrassing for my mom--an alcoholic husband and beholden to his parents for our basic needs, but I guess D was not an option for her. Mostly for religious reasons, but also family pressure--my aunt was abused by her husband BEFORE they married, but because the wedding was already planned, my grandmother forced her to go through with it. Really fucked up. My mom is very intelligent--she graduated from high school when she was 15, but back then it wasn't common for women to go to college, so she just went to work. Such a waste.

The X's parents were even worse--his father was a raging psychotic alcoholic. Just one example-during an alcoholic binge, he set the carpet on fire outside the bedroom where the X, his mother & sister were locked inside. Luckily, there was a phone in the room, and they could call the fire department.

Yeah-I didn't have good role models.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20279 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have to say that I have been extremely disappointed in fWHs glaring weaknesses and overwhelming desire to rug-sweep. He is a conflict/discussion avoider and hasnt been prepared to do anything other than a bit of lip service. And I have been the instigator to do things for reconciliation. Everything he said in the first couple of years has been all talk and no action. If anything needed hard work, honesty, love, care, decisiveness and discussion, this catastrophic event was it. Instead he expected ME to do all the work, as I had in the past. Any problem and UKg would fix it. Took me a long time to realise that. And that the FOO habit of nonchalantly rug-sweeping was genetic.

Having said that, I quite like Mr UKg. He's okay. I'm not holding my breath that it will last forever though. No long term plans.

Right there with you sweetie. You are reading my mind!!!`

Couldn't have described my FWH better myself.

So I suppose we agree.

Shitheads both of them!!!



Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 26
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