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User Topic: Sad about how it all ended
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blocked xwBF almost two weeks ago after finding a phone number on his phone records that he was texting 300+ times a day. Found the number on facebook, and it was a pretty girl that was the new intern at his office. This is while he was still texting me saying that he loved me and wanted another chance. I confronted before blocking him, and he swore they were just friends. Said I was crazy, and that I had lost it... Said that I wouldn't believe him right now if he said the sky was blue.

I was talking to a friend about it tonight, and she asked to see the girl's picture. I tried to look her up again on facebook, and couldn't. So I told my friend her name, and she found her. It seems that the new girl has blocked me. Which confirms in my mind that they are more than just friends. And also probably means that he told her I'm crazy or whatever in order to get her to block me.

I just feel depressed about how it all ended. I am on good terms with all of my other exes. I don't stay friends with exes, but I would be friendly if I ran into them in the store. All my other relationships ended with both people saying something like "well we tried our best and we're just not compatible." No hard feelings from either side. But I'm fairly sure that xwBF hates me. And it just makes me so sad.

I remember when I met him, and he talked badly about his ex-wife. He said that she cheated on him. The way he described her made her sound cold and mean. I remember saying something along the lines of he didn't deserve to be treated that way, and I disliked her. Now, I bet he's talking about me the same way.

I still miss and care about him. And despite everything, I don't hate him. I just feel sad. I just wish that he hadn't cheated on me. I wish that he hadn't continued to lie to me for so long. I truly did love him, and I would have done anything for him. But he forced me into a corner where I had to choose him or my self-respect. I didn't feel like I had any other options. But I feel sad that he hates me, and I feel sad that he'll always view me as giving up on him. I wish it could have ended with both of us saying that we gave it our best shot and it just didn't work.

I look back at everything that has happened over the past two years, and it's all just so depressing. I hate the way it ended. I wish I could tell him that I care about him and want him to be happy, and I wish he would tell me that he understands and wants me to be happy. But, instead, I'm more than likely the crazy ex-girlfriend that gave up on him and didn't love him.

I mean... why else would that new girl block me? I've never even met her.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hates you right now because you "outed" him and he is still involved in an affair, or "in the fog." All cheaters demonize their spouses or significant others. It is the only way they can cheat and feel that they are justified. If this new relationship sours, he will then remember you as you really were and I doubt he will hate you at all. He will just be sad like you are now. Sorry you had to suffer this pain, but let him go and take care of yourself. Hugs.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1314 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I feel sad that he hates me, and I feel sad that he'll always view me as giving up on him. I wish it could have ended with both of us saying that we gave it our best shot and it just didn't work.

NO NO NO NO!!

YOU didn't give up on anything!!! He did when he cheated!!

Honey, you can be sad about how it all ended, everyone's going to relate to that feeling! But I really think you need to get in touch with your angry side!! It seems like you actually feel sorry for him?!

If you are worried he will hate you because you broke up with him, know that REALLY, he's only hating himself. He is the one that ruined everything, not you.

Read the 180! It is helpful!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH, and the OW probably blocked you because he obviously told her about you looking at her facebook page or something.

That and they are probably still seeing each other.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH, and the OW probably blocked you because he obviously told her about you looking at her facebook page or something

Eh, she's not an OW. He met her after I broke up with him, but while he was still texting me asking for another chance.

YOU didn't give up on anything!!! He did when he cheated!!

Honey, you can be sad about how it all ended, everyone's going to relate to that feeling! But I really think you need to get in touch with your angry side!! It seems like you actually feel sorry for him?!

Yeah, but that's not the way he sees it. The last time he cheated was last April, so almost a year ago. I tried to make it work, but he just kept lying to me about stuff. I got angry on the day that I finally blocked him. But most days I just feel sad. I really wanted him to say that he understood that I really did try to make it work, and that he doesn't have any hard feelings toward me. But he just sees it as me abandoning him and not loving him enough.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lonelygirl10)))

Kansas1968 has a solid post to you.

It's sad how people can have multiple failed relationships and fail to see that they are a common denominator in them.

From within the early days if this trial I resolved to find and break MY destructive cycles. At the time I did not know of my destructive parts.....but guessed there were some. Sadly, I was right!

My Mom just this past year has finally faced the hard reality that her failed M was NOT just my Dads fault......he may have broken it's back with his A, but she had a role in the failed relationship as well. Her inability to face that earlier in her life has limited her other relationships in her life.

This is partly why I am so committed to uncovering that which I can fix.

I see the same determination in you.

Honestly, up until this post I had lost track of your trials.

It was with much sadness that I read about your WBF's decisions post-A.

He has chosen a very destructive and very real choice. My wife's fAP has chosen similarly.

I appreciate your courage to recognize this and prepare to move on without him.

I will pray a specific prayer for you now.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3746 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Blake. I am slowly trying to put the pieces together again. Most of the time I'm okay, but sometimes it just hits me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, instead, I'm more than likely the crazy ex-girlfriend that gave up on him and didn't love him.

Ummmm, yeah.......this is NOT you. You are not crazy.

"Adultery is crazy making shit."--first MC.

To be subjected to it AGAIN is inconceivable. Again, I feel so sad for fAP's wife and 5 children.....he is choosing like your WBF.

BUT, this is a shallow sadness. It is because his wife has all the evidence she needs to see the light....and she, like he, refuses to find the courage to do what's right and just.

I am sad for your pain....but that sadness is small and is overpowered by your courage. Don't spend to much time feeling bad for HIS lack if character. Rejoice in the strength if yours. Rest assured there are a number of decent men out there that, unlike your exBF, will appreciate and not be intimidated by it.

I know you are in pain....are conflicted right now. I hope you have a real life friend who will comfort you now. I pray you find ways to keep your heart soft and open to connecting with others. I believe this is possible. A person with the introspection you have is far less likely to become that "jaded woman who hates others" person.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3746 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you are in pain....are conflicted right now. I hope you have a real life friend who will comfort you now. I pray you find ways to keep your heart soft and open to connecting with others. I believe this is possible. A person with the introspection you have is far less likely to become that "jaded woman who hates others" person.

Unfortunately, I have no real life friends to talk to. I only told one friend the truth, and she was happy when I told her that I think he's dating someone new. No one else knows what happened.

And yeah, I really don't want to be jaded. I can see myself heading down that path though. Love and dating seems pointless sometimes. I feel like if I allow myself to care for someone again, I'll just get hurt again.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a couple stays together for a year after Dday and then the BS walks away, is it the BS's fault for the breakup? Does it mean that the BS didn't try hard enough? Didn't do enough? Didn't love enough?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
ZombieGirl
♀ New Member
Member # 28513
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Didn't he keep lying to you in that year? Even to the point of pretending he went to counseling and making up things they talked about? And how is that your fault? You can't reconcile and fix things with someone who is that dishonest!

I feel so bad for you because it is evident that you believe him when he blames you for the relationship ending. Wake up! He is a manipulative liar! I really don't believe people like that can change. The lying is a natural instinct for him. You need to find things you want to do for you and do it! You need to start living for you and forget him.


Me: BS, 40
Him: WS, 43
married 15years
3 kids: 13, 9, 4
DDay: 5/3/2010 Intense EA for 5 months with videos, pics, chat, phone calls
Left me for her: 6/19/10..day before father's day
Came back home: 7/15/10

Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so bad for you because it is evident that you believe him when he blames you for the relationship ending.

Yeah, I guess I do. I think the problem is that I lost track of knowing what's real and what's not real. So I don't know if he continued lying like I suspect, or if I just became too paranoid and suspected too much. I guess I walked away because I wasn't happy. I just wish that he would tell me that it wasn't my fault. I know in the grand scheme of life, it probably doesn't matter. But it matters a lot to me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may not help to hear it from me, but it really truly was not your fault. You had to protect yourself from his lies and manipulation. How strong that manipulation was can be seen in the fact that you still buy into his version, where you just gave up or didn't love him enough. When of course the real problem is that he did not love you in a healthy way, and only caused you more pain and spun out stories to make you doubt yourself.m

I hope soon the fog lifts for you and you can see that the relationship failed because he is not capable of being in a genuinely caring and safe relationship. He does not have that capacity, but you do, and that is why you had to move on--to be able to eventually find something healthier.

I do hope you find another IC soon to help get clarity. There is really no need to blame yourself. You are a victim.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like if I allow myself to care for someone again, I'll just get hurt again.

If it helps, I innocently thought my wife would never intentionally hurt me like she did EVER. Oh, I knew she could and did hurt me (and I her) throughout our M...but the shear intentionality of her choices surrounding her A is what was traumatic to me. My point is that "security" I thought I had with my wife pre-A was never really there....is NEVER really there with another person. It isnt because we are all broken, all sinful.

What is there is lots of coping....which enable us to "pass" on growth. Boy, how nice would it have been to seek counsel before such serious pain was invited into our marriage....but the pain of same was far less than the pain of change. So we did what was "less painful". Change only starts to occur when the pain of same exceeds the pain of change.

To find the right person to marry, you have to first be the right person to marry.

I have seen real growth inside you. My wife and I were so immature in PARTS of our emotional self during much of our marriage that it is a wonder we made it as far as we did without growing. We partly made it because of this ignorance and coping skills that propogated it. But we also partly made it because parts of us were healthy, were mature.

Black and white thinking is a PTSD syndrome. It is normal, but not healthy long-term.

Keep the faith....stay with IC, keep posting on here. Find ways to keep your heart soft and open.

I pray for courage regularly....it takes courage to grow through pain, courage to mature what I have spent decades concealing and masking so that I DONT have to grow, courage to reach out to others KNOWING full well the pain they can and will inflict on you.

But the alternative is to not grow, not connect, not interact in healthy ways.

Pain is uncomfortable...but it is not necessarily unhealthy. KWIM?

You are a strong girl. If you were 60 I would respond the same way I am knowing you are 29....so at any age we are to grow and mature.

The fact that you are 29 and are facing and growing what you are facing and growing through gives me great hope of the things you will accomplish with this opportunity.

I am 43, I wish I would have had this opportunity for growth earlier (and not in such a painful way), but I am grateful that I at least have the opportunity NOW to "do better"

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

― Maya Angelou


Take comfort in the fact that you did the best you can with that relationship. You now are blessed with the opportunity to "know better" and can "do better". And that does NOT mean you know better than to get involved with a boy....it means you know there are pitfalls out there and that you are learning how to be do relationships better. You possessed more relationship skills at 28 than I did at 42.....your potential is great! Dont let fear keep you from that potential!!!


Keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:23 AM, March 14th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3746 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 14

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