I am 44 WH. She is 40 BS. 2 kids - G 11 - B 15. Own a house, two dogs, boat, camper, picket fence. Married 18 years, together 21. We are each others second as far as intercourse goes. We both had awkward teen years and were late bloomers. I have always been the nice guy. I don't have much experience with the ladies, if you know what I mean. The wife and I made it through separate colleges and started our life together. We both work and always have. She is very loyal and values loyalty and honesty above all else. This won't be good. I cringe every time I think of telling her.
8 years ago I worked very closely with a girl who was younger and very wild. She cussed like a sailor and was generally very open about everything. She told me she liked to give oral. I will save you the vulgarities in how she said it. I wish I would have handled it differently now of course, because I didn't handle it at all. I just went with it. It happened more than once. Of course I regret it ever happened. It didn't go any further than that. There was no EA. As fast as it started, it ended because I took another job. There has been no contact in 8 years.
My wife is no dummy. She knows something happened. She says I am transparent and can be read like a book. She has asked me directly if I ever cheated and I just trip over myself. I want to tell her the truth. She deserves to know.
I don't know where to start. I don't know how to say it.
I would appreciate your help.
PS. My username is in reference to a motorcycle, not that I'm tricky or am a trickster.
I know how difficult it can be! I TTd (trickle truthed) for over a year. My BH found out about one A, but there was more and it was too long before I was brave enough to tell him everything. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I couldn't speak the words either, so I sent him an email. I regret having to do it that way but my mouth literally couldn't form the words. I choked on them every time I wanted to tell him.
Not the best route maybe, but maybe you can write her a letter telling her everything? If you're like me, when you're emotional it's hard to speak. That was the only way I could find to do it.
Good luck. We are an awesome community that was created for a very bad reason, but I know you will find the support that you need here.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.
So maybe I can say we need to finally get some counselling with our "issues".
I have written things in the past and they have been well recieved. She is very reasonable. I guess I just start with. I love you. I always have. I always will. But there is something that I need to tell you about....I don't want to rug sweep or TT. I don't want to be too blunt. I don't want to give details unless she asks. AHHHrrg. I just freak out thinking about it. I buried this for years. She hasn't asked about it for about 3 years. For some reason it just started weighing on me.
The longer that you wait to tell her, the more experiences that you have had together will be shadowed.
I would suggest that you write up a complete timeline. Every Detail spelled out: dates, times, what you did, what you were feeling while you did it, everything. And from that, you prepare a barebones timeline. Date, time, what you did. From first meeting of the OW, to first dirty discussion, first kiss, oral sex, etc. Think bullet list presentation.
Then you need to make sure that your children are not around when you tell your wife. You do not need them involved in the anguish that is going to occur. If you want to tell her while seeing a councilor, tell the councilor that you're going to do this so they are prepared and can maybe put you at the end of the day if your BW needs extra time. Go together do not make her drive after this. If you tell her at home, I would suggest that you have the children gone overnight at the least, perhaps for the weekend. Have the bullet point timeline ready to give to her if she wants it. Be honest. Be honest but as kind as you possibly can. Answer every question as many times as it's asked because she will not be able to retain a lot due to shock. BE HONEST. Don't lie, no matter how tempting. It is said here and it's very true, that a lot of the time, the A isn't what causes divorce, it's the lies, the TT afterward that causes divorce. Never, never make the mistake of thinking that you'll hold something back so that it doesn't hurt her. It will come out and your lie, your holding back, will hurt twice as much and it will set her back even more.
I commend you for making the decision to tell her.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Far better, IMO, to start with honesty, rather than with a ruse. If you want to confess in the presence of a counselor, then be up front about the need for a mediator for a discussion you've been postponing.
Personally, I'd recommend having an MC appointment set for after confession. (For that, I'd do a complete timeline--with details.) I would have been mortified to have confession in another's presence. The emotional response--even if infidelity is suspected-- is enormous, and I simply would be unable to stay in the room with a counselor after disclosure.
It would feel both like an invasion of my privacy and extremely manipulative--as though it was planned specifically to inhibit my response. (And isn't it, really?)
There's no way to do this easily. Trust me--I learned of the earliest infidelities a dozen years after the fact. My husband angled for the MC approach, and later admitted he planned to "tackle other issues" first. Had he been honest with himself, he'd concede the "other issues" were largely the result of the disconnect his lies had created and his need to find fault to justify his cheating and subsequent cover-up.
As it was, I was willing to R. Had he put me through *any* period of MC before confessing, I would not have been. That level of attempting to manipulate outcome would have ended it right then and there.
If you do use the MC approach, plan to confess immediately. Don't have sessions devoted to other "issues." They are either manufactured or need to be backburnered because a confession is going to result in a complete change of focus that will dominate for at least 2-5 years (and plan on the slow track, given the long-term deception).
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but given the circumstances you couldn't have found a better place. Good luck to you-- truly, I wish the best for you.
[This message edited by solus sto at 8:31 PM, March 14th (Friday)]
[This message edited by FixYou71 at 8:48 PM, March 14th (Friday)]