Mine grew up in a wealthy family (grandfather was high ranking IBM executive for 40 years) and married my dad from a solidly middle class family. Her plan was my dad was supposed to go get his MBA and support her in her accustomed life style. He renigged and went into the seminary and ministry instead. The Horror.
That ended with a very long drawn out story I can't discuss in this forum Suffice to say my mother never married into money and never gained the education to make the living she expected. So she continues to get into debt time and again.
Her first 40K credit card debt was paid when she was involved in a favorable class action lawsuit. (Truth be told she deserved 10x this amount). The second time she got in massive credit card debt she sold her house and used the equity to pay off her debts, and moved here to a smaller house much cheaper than her la te' da neighborhood in the Dallas area. Now she has been retired here for 2 1/2 years and she's back up to 18K in debt. Sigh.
I asked her how she expects to pay off this debt when she has no income other than social security. Her answer is she expects her parents to leave her and her living siblings a big inheritance. (My Grandfather is constantly bailing his three oldest kids out of financial trouble- my mom being the oldest). I've pointed out they could leave all their money to our family's alma mater Ridiculously Religious University. My mom says then I'll bail her out. Fuck me.
Did I mention she ignored me my from 11 years on while she engaged in non mentionable in off topic activities. Grrrr.
My mom really believes everything is about her.
Life is easier when we are separated.
I was raised primarily by my grandparents because my mother was off doing her own thing or simply was sick with a cold & would send me & my sister off to grandma & grandpas house.
My mother claims she is bipolar but I believe she just likes to throw fits to get her way. She will do anything to get her way. Very verbally abusive. She has a history of drug abuse & has been in trouble with the law. So I have severed our relationship. I feel no guilt over this. When she would call I would get anxious & worry about what she might do. Wish I would of severed the relationship years ago,
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
I haven't spoken to my toxic bipolar narcissistic mother in several years... And as far as I'm concerned I don't plan to again.
I won't recount everything here... it's just not worth it to me to dredge it all back up.
But I wanted to say you're definitely not alone... and detachment is the only way to survive.
She's gradually cut off just about everyone in our family with her behavior. I attend family events at her brothers that she isn't welcome to attend due to her behavior and her inability to just treat people nicely and not hold incredibly old grudges that no one understands.
At Dday, it was in the middle of a two year period where I had cut contact with her. The end result is that she didn't learn of my divorce until a year after it occurred. THAT FINALLY seemed to hit her and make a difference in how she treats me. It's still far from perfect but, after years of never respecting my boundaries, she finally seems to at least try.
So, gradually, now so do I. She's getting older now, she's almost 66, she has no retirement to speak of, so it will be up to me and my brother to figure out how to help her make ends meet. However, living with me is not an option in my mind.
We're supposed to do something this weekend. She reaches out but doesn't push anymore, so I'm hoping we can have a nice time. However, based on past experience over the past 40 years, I'm always on guard. It's really very sad.
[This message edited by persevere at 8:49 PM, March 14th (Friday)]
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Mine is likely borderline personality disorder. Growing up, yeah she was a SAHM, but she spent her time cheating, drinking, doing pot...
I never knew all of that because she did her best to keep me away. I was either locked in my room or told to go outside. I was the scapegoat, too much like my dad to be loved.
She happily gave me up when I asked to move in with my dad at 10yo.
Recently I saw her FB page. She was catching up with a friend. Listed her kids, their SOS and kids. She even included my sister's "boyfriend" and his young adult kids. Keep in mind, this BF is our cousin. Yup, mom's nephew.
Who didn't she include? Me or my kids. My sister is dating our cousin but I'm the one she denies.
❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣
It bothered me for a long time, I wanted her approval but now as a grown woman and mother myself, I don't have time to care. I feel like she fucked up, she missed out and it was her loss. I have my own kids to tend to.
Sadly, it's not so weird anymore.
This is not normal. My feelings for her, are not normal
IF SHE WERE A "NORMAL" MOTHER, YOU WOULD HAVE "NORMAL" LOVE FOR HER. Sorry about caps! Since she is an abnormal mother, the feelings you have are normal for this sort of person.
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
My daughter says me and her have a great relationship and that I'm not like my mom at all. And for that I am thankful.
[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 8:41 AM, March 17th (Monday)]
My relationship with my mother is fine as long as I can step back and deal with her when I chose to. She's a functioning alcoholic, and she can be a very mean drunk. My brother is her favored child, and he refuses to speak to her. She once said to me, while she was drunk, "I wish Jason was here, but looks like I'm stuck with YOU."
My mother treats me the way her mother treated her. Now that my fiance and I live together (and away from her) she calls me EVERY DAY and laments the fact that I don't call HER. I told her on Saturday that I'd call her when I had something to say to her. And she called me on Sunday. And twice today, already, while I'm at work.
My mother is very controlling. She and my dad (step dad) go out every day at noon, and while she'd be out pounding the beers she'd think of the chores that I needed to be doing at home. Thing is, she wouldn't call me and ask me to do them. So she'd come home, drunk off her ass, and then scream at me for being a fat, lazy, bitch who NEVER did ANYTHING around the house.
That's one example of how she treated me. And she wonders why I don't call.