My mom has always been a bit on the mean controlling side of things, and as a teen, I felt I never was good enough. Never thin enough, never had good enough grades, never trying hard enough in school, life, whatever.
When I went away to college (this is pre cell phones) we talked once a week on Sunday's and I would try to regale my parents of tails of what had happened during the week, and if it sounded like I was having fun, I knew I was in for a lecture on how I wasn't studying enough blah blah blah. I came to dread the Sunday call, as did my then boyfriend, now H. He would say you have to be happy with you. You have no control over her, and you can't allow her to make you feel less of a person because she is angry for whatever reason.
He was right, it took me until I was in my mid 20's to really get that. She still is angry and mean, and hateful, and tells me I'm not thin enough, or that I don't make the right choices, but now I let it slide right off of me. I do the best I can and am happy with my life and who I am. If she isn't that's on her. I am pretty great person who does a lot for others, and that's good enough.
Honestly I think she is more hateful now (post what brought us here, but not to be named in this forum) than she was prior. She too is a survivor, and is still mad at my sweet father who I seriously doubt she has forgiven. Being an only child, and the queen of her family contributes to her somewhat NPD.
I love her, but avoid her. I don't need the drama, and the upset.
My mother and father never married.
Both are...well, that cant be mentioned in this forum, but you get the general idea.
My mother has always been a miserable person and she is quite happen to spread around that misery.
She married my stepfather when I was about 4yrs old and refused to let my biodad see me and my sister because he (biodad) had the nerve to marry someone else.
My grandmother (mother's mom) used to babysit for us and would sneak biodad to her house in order for us to see him. We were forced to call our stepdad "Dad" (if we forgot, we were spanked). We also weren't allowed to mention biodad's name or we'd get in trouble for that too (ie spanked).
In my mother's world, nothing is ever her fault.
She continues to make horrible decisions, but then plays the victim when the consequences stack up. Examples:
-She divorced my stepdad after 25yrs of marriage because she "wasn't happy". I found out years later that she and biodad were friends again.
-While married to stepdad, we had to conform to their idea of "perfect family", which often involved lies or a lot of covering up.
Image is everything to my mother and by damn we were not going to embarrass her or there would be hell to pay.
-After her divorce, she ran up tens of thousands in credit card debt and would call one of her kids (4 total) begging for money or her rent wouldn't get paid or her lights would be shut off. I refused to send her money and asked for the account number etc for the bill itself. That was an "insult" to her so she refused. In reality, she was broke and despite bills being unpaid, she wanted to go on this or that shopping trip with her friends.
The divorce came to nothing. She lives alone in a government subsidized apartment. Two of her kids do not speak to her at all and the two of us that do only call once a month or so to make sure she's ok.
I have a great relationship with both biodad and stepdad as well as my siblings of both of those relationships.
My baby sis and I have discussed our mother at length on multiple occassions. We think she has a personality disorder, but she'll never get tested, so we have to keep a safe distance or be drawn into constant drama.
There's so much more to tell, but a lot of it has to go in a different forum, so I can only touch the surface of a lot of her issues....
I sometimes attribute a lot of my earlier young adult decisions to the household in which I was raised.
I had no idea what boundaries were since we weren't allowed to have any. I had to basically construct myself in images of people I admired in my early adult stage. All of that rolled into the reason we're on this site made for a hellacious decade and a half. It wasn't until I was about 30 that I had a clue about who I was and what I would/could accept in my life.
A LOT of changes in my life started around that time period.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:13 PM, March 17th (Monday)]
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
I edit often for clarity.
I'm in my thirties now, and have only seen my mother once since I was 17.
She let my abusive boyfriend move in with us when I was 14, and kicked me out when I was 15. (I spent the next 3 years bouncing from homes of friends, boyfriends, and extended family).
Since I was 11 she allowed her much younger boyfriend (now her husband) to physically and emotionally abuse her children, including me and my little brother. She kicked me out when her boyfriend told her that either I was to leave, or he would.
When our father died (I was 21, my brother 15), I was granted legal custody of my brother.
When I was 28 I allowed her to come stay in my home for a 7 day visit to see my child, her only grandchild. She insisted on bringing the (teenage) child from her current marriage (to the asshole that abused us). She could not have been less interested in my child if she tried. She never picked her up, held her, or took a picture of her (with the new digital camera she had bought just for the trip; yes, I checked before she left. Not one picture of her only grandchild).
Last I heard she and her husband were strung out on meth and living under a bridge.
I do not hate her, but I have absolutely zero love for her in my heart, and that fact is so difficult for me. I am ridiculously envious of those that have good relationships with their mother.
I run but she keeps following me...
My other sisters don't have anything at all to do with her and I keep as much distance as I can.
Even when she was facing lung transplants and possible death, she couldn't make amends to anyone. She's been given a second chance at life and I see no difference. Makes me sick that a parent can treat their kids/family like she does.
~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown
She was my "good" parent, the one who loved me. She didn't do a good job of it, though.