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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Glue for the vase
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In lying and cheating on my GF. I was a fool and dropped our relationship vase like a child with butterfingers. While I'm putting in the work and still not disclosing the full truths about things like conversations at work with a woman I work with. I'm not flirting or crossing boundaries. But if she asks a question I would answer and would usually be a quick exchange "hey I have to leave for a little bit longer for lunch tomorrow for a kids ceremony" "oh how many kids do you have" "X amount but they are my girlfriends" "oh wow " "I love them like they are my own" *end conversation*. I guess I'm afraid of what my GF will think or afraid of hurting my GF. But 99% of our exchange is about work. And I could smell who she was a mile away when I first started.

So she's seen the changes I've made. She has all my pw's to everything. I have my phone with parental locks and on her plan so she can see who I'm texting and calling. And before I was on her plan she still had my password to my phone bill. I have gotten rid of all my toxic friends and rarely go anywhere without her. I go to work and call her every chance I get. And come straight home unless asked to pick something up. Stopped watching porn and don't masturbate. Made her my everything. I talk to only her and no one else about my problems. I have explained to friends where I'm going with my life. And have no female friends and make every attempt to have no contact with females. Among other things.

But I keep hearing that this is what I should have been doing all along and this isn't fixing anything. And it's like that child making sure he won't drop another vase again and doing the thing he should have been doing from the beginning. But how do you fix the already dropped vase? Where's the "glue" in all this. What more do I need to do. I feel like I know but don't I don't cuz I would be doing it.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 8:12 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 91 | Registered: Mar 2013
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NGA1,

I have explained to friends where I'm going with my life. And have no female friends and make every attempt to have no contact with females. Among other things.

Have you read the book, "Not Just Friends?" I am reading it right now and it really is helping me with a lot of my questions and realizing the what is healthy for my relationship (friends, lifestyle, etc.) It might help you with those boundaries and to see areas you need to work on.

While I'm putting in the work and still not disclosing the full truths about things like conversations at work with a woman I work with. I'm not flirting or crossing boundaries. But if she asks a question I would answer and would usually be a quick exchange "hey I have to leave for a little bit longer for lunch tomorrow for a kids ceremony" "oh how many kids do you have" "X amount but they are my girlfriends" "oh wow " "I love them like they are my own" *end conversation*. I guess I'm afraid of what my GF will think or afraid of hurting my GF. But 99% of our exchange is about work. And I could smell who she was a mile away when I first started.

I'm a little confused, though.. Have you disclosed everything to her? If you haven't, as scary as that is, it really is the first and only step you should take. I wish I would of done that in the beginning of my relationship when I was dating my H. (See my post tonight for that reference.) Don't make the same mistake I did and wait to tell the whole truth 10 years from now.

She deserves to know everything.

As for anyone who isn't a friend of the marriage, it's ok to discuss that with your GF and get suggestions on how she would like you to approach the situation with the OW at work who clearly makes you uncomfortable or any future women that give you that "Don't do it. Run away" vibe.


WW(me) 33
BS(him/Jt8d) 35 | Teaches me real, true unbroken love every day.

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully." J. Brot


Posts: 87 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The woman at work is farthest from my interest and nothing has ever happened. The only thing I did was downplay her to my GF when I first started. But I have shared personal information with her and didn't tell my GF I've told her how many kids my GF has. And I've told her that my GF is a stay at home mom. But I try not to conversate with her. I don't want to. Thankfully it seems as tho she's "gets it" so much so that she's complained that "I'm not friendly" to my boss. Why cuz I won't fall into the shit like the other men? Whatever I don't care about your feelings. I'm there to work. But recently when I told her I have to go home for a couple of hours to recieve something at the house she said "isn't your GF gonna be home?" I told her she's gonna be gone for the most part of the day. I told my GF this and she wasn't too happy. And she questioned why she would know that and I told my GF I told her but I didn't remember when I did. And she thinks I talk to her more than I led on. And to a point that's true. She may comment about a customer who pissed her off and I give short responses. Like "they can be dicks" and leave it at that. Or she'll comment about something she hears on the news when I'm signing something to give to her and I'll respond like "it's a sick world"... You get the idea.

And I have read halfway through not just friends. That's why I got rid of my female friends and put up boundaries. But there's so much of that book that's pointless in my situation. Then others that are spot on. I know I should finish it I may do that today. But the book that captivated me more was every mans battle.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 91 | Registered: Mar 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First this...

I was a fool and dropped our relationship vase like a child with butterfingers.

This kind of statement kinda downplays the seriousness of an A. An A isn't "oops, I dropped it" and A is deliberately picking it up and smashing it against the wall. Then stomping on the pieces.

Now...

In Japan, when a vase is broken, they don't use glue. Glue becomes brittle, doesn't hold strong all the time and leaves the vase less valuable and useful than it was.

They use gold to repair the cracks in Japan. Its called kintsugi. The gold makes the pottery stronger where the breaks are and leaves the whole vase more resilient and beautiful than before, not in spite of the cracks, but because of them, and the care and effort it took to repair them.

Don't look for glue, look for gold. Its harder to come by, but much better in the end.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 4

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