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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it ever right to fight for a man?
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what I'd tell other people, that we all deserve someone who doesn't leave us in the position of having to fight for them. But, my cousin suggested something that has me curious...

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months and tonight he broke up with me. He said he's miserable in his job and he and his best friends might relocate out of the country. He's already set up a job interview and if that doesn't happen he may still move for his current job. He said as far as our relationship he would have liked to be head over heels but isn't and he thought at first that we had potential but his openness to moving away confirms his "unsureness" about us.

Outside of this he was reliable, consistent, loving, patient, attentive, already successful in his career with seemingly concrete plans of continued success in the same field. Just last week he kissed me goodbye before a business trip and said he couldn't wait to see me in a few days. During the week he was distant, said there was a major stressor at work that really upset him but we still seemed fine, now this. He said he and his best friends all had a talk and they're equally miserable and feel like now is the time to make a huge change.

My cousin has a feeling he's a good man who is having a freak out about life and commitment. She asked if I fought for him and at first I said hell no, then as she was talking about it I started wondering if I should...she said something as good as what she's seen in us doesn't come around very often and she wonders what would happen if I gave him some encouragement and told him I didn't want him to go. He's made the first move in all of our steps towards getting more serious and was often met by a lot of resistance from me. She's worried he thinks I'm not invested in this and so he's distancing himself and I'll lose him if I don't show him that I want him.

Do you think it's possible/acceptable for one person in a relationship to have a temporary freak out and the other to offer support and fight for the relationship?

Think I should ask for a deeper conversation? Or is that the grief and pain of rejection talking? I really liked this man and saw the beginnings of something really good with him, this feels so out of character...though I guess I don't really know him that well after 2 months



Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 378 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I would not fight for this guy. He's telling you that he's no longer interested and wants something different in life. Believe him. Give him credit for being honest with you and move on. I know it hurts, but why fight for someone that is telling you they are done?

Hugs to you. I'm sure it's really disappointing to hear.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 809 | Registered: Mar 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ what NS said.

Nope. You can't make someone have feelings the don't have.

I broke up with the sad clown at least a dozen times in our first 2 years. Each time we came across a deal breaker (jealousy, drugs, drinking, moodiness, control, belittling, rush to M, rush to have kids) he would modify that behaviour to hold on to me.

He actually said he wanted to fight for me. "I will NEVER stop fighting for you, for us". Quote/unquote.

Fast forward a few years and all of that resentment he built in fighting for me came out in his various modes of emotional abuse. Once we had a child he no longer had to honour my boundaries. I had been duped well and good.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing but clearly there is something missing for him. Perhaps for you too but you don't realise it or you're willing to overlook it. A guy wanting to break up with me means here is something BIG missing for me - him wanting to stand by me.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5401 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told you how he feels. You didn't guess it. If it were me I would let him go.

I'm sorry that it hurts!


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds to me , he is moving on. Sorry but I agree at least he told you.

I'm old but I can't think of any reason to fight for a man. JMO


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with others. While your time together was nice, he is saying 'no thanks'.

I think 2 months in is REALLY soon. You are so much better than having to convince someone you're worth it, you know?



Posts: 14320 | Registered: Jun 2008
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In your situation, no. You are only two months in. He told you he wants out. Let him go.

I think when you have made a significant investment in each other, have a life together, children, etc., then "fighting" to keep things together can be appropriate. However, far too often I see people struggling to hold on while their partner is figuratively stomping on the knuckles holding on to the ledge.

Don't be the person on the ledge.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29540 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Cat. This early on, HE should be fighting for the relationship. If he doesn't feel he has anything invested in it, he isn't going to value it very much (which he is showing you by even considering moving away). If you do the fighting, you will have a lot invested but he won't which makes it so much easier to walk away.

However, if you have been together a while, and are dedicated and committed to each other, and have decided you both want a future and are both equally vested in the relationship, then both of you need to fight for it. It is normal for a relationship to ebb and flow and also normal for people to have second thoughts every once in a while or to slow down and take stock of the direction they are heading. Then it is appropriate to have a heart to heart to discuss what is going on and what direction you both want to continue to head in.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15097 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing you can do is tell him how YOU feel.

"I don't want us to break up. You are a good man. But I respect your decision."

Then, if he wants to walk away… you hold the door open for him. You only want him IN the relationship if he wants to be there too.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4008 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This right here:

He said as far as our relationship he would have liked to be head over heels but isn't

Is really all he had to say to you. Something like this doesn't change. And if you do try to "fight for him" and it "works", it really doesn't in the end.

Let him go. Seriously. A relationship that is going to be successful does not start out like this.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3164 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Use Cmego's approach.

But he was honest with you about how he felt.

He's shown you who he is, believe him.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts.

Never fight for a man. If you have to fight for him, you lose.


{{{hugs}}}}

It sucks.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6451 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said as far as our relationship he would have liked to be head over heels but isn't and he thought at first that we had potential but his openness to moving away confirms his "unsureness" about us.

With that there is nothing to fight for. When a guy is interested in a gal he will be very up front and will make it well known to you.


Any efforts on your part right now will only push him away further.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9174 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your cousin's advice is idealistic & foolish. No, don't "fight" for someone, especially someone you barely know. I've come to learn that "fighting" to keep a relationship is a fool's errand. It's also the sign that you've devalued yourself into doing the Pick Me dance.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9245 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to be a little contrary.

When you said:
"He's made the first move in all of our steps towards getting more serious and was often met by a lot of resistance from me."

I thought that if I were him I would not feel as though YOU were really into me. So what's the point of going further?

I would not say fight for him.....but if the reality is that you did not take steps to get more serious with him, not because of who he was, but maybe because of reticence on your part because of your former WS...and he has only thought that it was you weren't that into him.....

I would say have a more honest conversation with him. Even if the end result is that it gives you more closure. I mean it's not like he was hurtful to you. It seems he just gave you his perspective. Give him yours.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 481 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like he may be the type of man that rushes into a relationship and then rushes out of it even faster. I also think there is a good chance he got interested in someone else - someone he got to conquer (again) and make all these romantic gestures like he did with you and then move on from her too.

I always tell my daughter whenever a relationship moves too fast in the beginning, it will likely end the same way.


Posts: 1377 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure your cousin is well-intentioned but I also think she is just plain wrong on this. If he is seriously talking about and considering moving away, move on. I'm sure he's quite fond of you, or he wouldn't be seeing you in the first place, but this relationship isn't quite right.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you should not have to FIGHT for someone to want to be with you. Either he does, or he doesn't. No amount of fighting will change that.

Now, if you want to tell him how you feel about him leaving, that is another story. But that is even something I may not really put too much effort into.

You have known him for only 2 months? He is showing you who he is? Time to believe him... he just is not that into you.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3520 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cousin has a feeling he's a good man who is having a freak out about life and commitment. She asked if I fought for him and at first I said hell no, then as she was talking about it I started wondering if I should...she said something as good as what she's seen in us doesn't come around very often and she wonders what would happen if I gave him some encouragement and told him I didn't want him to go. He's made the first move in all of our steps towards getting more serious and was often met by a lot of resistance from me. She's worried he thinks I'm not invested in this and so he's distancing himself and I'll lose him if I don't show him that I want him.

My SO broke up with me and told me it was because he was unhappy with his job and wanted to move out of the country. I can't move with my job, so he ended it. My friend have me the same advice. Told me he was a really good man, and I should fight for him. So I stayed by his side as a friend hoping he would change his mind about it. Four months later I found out he had cheated before he broke up with me and was dating the other girl the whole time I was being supportive to him.

If I could go back in time, I would have just left him go. He made the decision to end things. Regardless of whether he was telling the truth about the reason or not, he made the decision that he was willing to risk losing me. Ultimately that's not the type of relationship I want.

If it's just that he's going through a hard time, he could talk to you about it. He decided to end it though. Also realize that sometimes people give excuses to avoid hurting the other person in a breakup


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Jul 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short answer is no. the long answer is....

Be you, just that. Loud, proud and authentic. NEVER fight to gain the attention of someone else. When you do gain their attention, it will because you have presented them with something they MUST have. Anyone else isn't worth your time. You are the prize. Never forget that.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2541 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
9.10.11
♂ Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and disagree. 2 months is a short time and he's not fighting for it...nor are you.

I had a girl "fight" for me, but was only a few dates in. I tried but it just wasn't there for me and I couldn't do it.

I fought for a girl, but it has been going on for quite some time. In my opinion it's always a "fight" to keep someone with you. "Fight" is a strong word, maybe the wrong word...but I think you know what I'm say'n. At times I begin to lose the "fight" for my girl...then she steps in to "fight" for us.

With my xww, I fought too long and she really had no fight.

I'd say try. You don't want to look back and say you didn't give 110%.

Go all in or all out. "Fight" for what you really want.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Aug 2012
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