Well thanks everybody. Some of those stung a little bit but I can see a lot of truth in the concept of if someone wants to go, let them. I think I was just in pain and sad to see who I thought was a good man with whom I'd have a good future, just up and leave. I wanted my cousin to be right, that chasing him down romantic movie-style and saying I didn't want him to leave would be the beginning of our beautiful story and would springboard us into a more authentic, deeper and stronger connection.
I did feel like there were some things on my mind that I wanted to say either in case it clarified things for him and led to a change of heart or if it was really over so that I could have said how I felt and moved on with closure.
So I texted him this morning and asked if I could come talk at some point. I was going to tell him that I understood if he didn't have feelings for me or was that restless to move away that we wouldn't have worked and I was glad he ended it, but that if there was any fear or hesitation on his part about my feelings for him or if he ended up deciding that he wasn't moving and he had attached unhappiness from other parts of his life unnecessarily to our relationship, then I'd like to have him back to see where our relationship could go from here.
But, I never got to say any of that. When I asked if we could talk he said "I don't think that's a good idea. I would have liked to have the same feelings for you as you do for me, but I can't force them. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I'm sorry I did this but I wanted to see if things developed."
By sorry he did this he meant being the one to bring up exclusivity early on and saying he was having strong feelings for me, then also being the one to end it.
I waited a while till I was calm and then said "I totally agree. having a conversation wasn't going to be about asking you to force feelings, that would be silly. There are things on my mind that I wanted to say now that I've had time to get my thoughts together."
He never answered. I feel shut down, surprised, sad, in pain...
I know I will totally move on and find happy, healthy partnership, but right now this really sucks. I miss who I thought he was and I miss what I thought we were going to have together. Rejection hurts.