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Newest Member: roseyposey (44693)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it ever right to fight for a man?
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fought for my xwh with ow1. I think part of me was like I'll be dammed if she is going to take him from me. But guess what? 6 years later with ow2, I let the bitch have him. I have serious regrets about fighting for him with ow1. I should have just let him go.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3301 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I met my WS the same sort of thing happened. We were really happy together. Then, one day he moved out and said he had a lot going on at work.

I decided never to speak to him again.

My IC said, "Don't be too quick. I don't know him, but from what you said he seems a very principled person, very disciplined, seems to care a great deal about you".

I should have let him go, because now, 16 years later he walked out the door on his kids and me.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jan 2012
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well thanks everybody. Some of those stung a little bit but I can see a lot of truth in the concept of if someone wants to go, let them. I think I was just in pain and sad to see who I thought was a good man with whom I'd have a good future, just up and leave. I wanted my cousin to be right, that chasing him down romantic movie-style and saying I didn't want him to leave would be the beginning of our beautiful story and would springboard us into a more authentic, deeper and stronger connection.

I did feel like there were some things on my mind that I wanted to say either in case it clarified things for him and led to a change of heart or if it was really over so that I could have said how I felt and moved on with closure.

So I texted him this morning and asked if I could come talk at some point. I was going to tell him that I understood if he didn't have feelings for me or was that restless to move away that we wouldn't have worked and I was glad he ended it, but that if there was any fear or hesitation on his part about my feelings for him or if he ended up deciding that he wasn't moving and he had attached unhappiness from other parts of his life unnecessarily to our relationship, then I'd like to have him back to see where our relationship could go from here.

But, I never got to say any of that. When I asked if we could talk he said "I don't think that's a good idea. I would have liked to have the same feelings for you as you do for me, but I can't force them. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I'm sorry I did this but I wanted to see if things developed."

By sorry he did this he meant being the one to bring up exclusivity early on and saying he was having strong feelings for me, then also being the one to end it.

I waited a while till I was calm and then said "I totally agree. having a conversation wasn't going to be about asking you to force feelings, that would be silly. There are things on my mind that I wanted to say now that I've had time to get my thoughts together."

He never answered. I feel shut down, surprised, sad, in pain...

I know I will totally move on and find happy, healthy partnership, but right now this really sucks. I miss who I thought he was and I miss what I thought we were going to have together. Rejection hurts.


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 381 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mixedemotions)))

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know it doesn't help now, but I do believe that in time, you will be happy that you didn't have to fight for a man. No one wants to be a pity girlfriend. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. Unfortunately, not everyone is a match with everyone else, and no matter how hard we try to make it fit, it just doesn't.

I'm glad that he just let you go instead of stringing you along for weeks or months.

After what you've gotten over in your life, you'll get through this, too.

And one day in the future, you'll be with an amazing guy who treats you right and who really wants to be with you, and you'll be so happy that this one did not work out.

But I know it still hurts now, so sending you more hugs!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3312 | Registered: Dec 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I waited a while till I was calm and then said "I totally agree. having a conversation wasn't going to be about asking you to force feelings, that would be silly. There are things on my mind that I wanted to say now that I've had time to get my thoughts together."

This was a great response - one you can hold your head high with. (Said persevere who has done quite the opposite on occasion...lol)

And, you are totally right - you will move on to better things - though rejection does suck - but ride through it and it will get better. ((mixedemotions))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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