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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you ever feel bad for xws as a parent?
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont feel bad for him at all. Disappointed, yes. I feel bad for my kids.

For the 4th time now (out of 6 visits) WH has promised to come and not shown up.

I over heard Miss 7 & 9 talking in their room... asking why didnt he come... Miss 7 said he "was doing something else" Miss 9 suggested that they are "the back up plan". That broke my heart today.

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel bad that he is too stupid, blind, selfish, and/or conflict avoidant to even see what he's missing. Beyond that, the only people I feel truly sorry for are my kids. They love him and I'm guessing they always will. But, it's a love that they will have to continue to chase. Imagine having to chase one of your own parents for whatever love you can squeeze out of them.

He will pay dearly for his choices and his apathy toward them. I work with a young associate whose father left after he had an A. My coworker was about 14 at the time. He told me that he saw his dad when he was supposed to and that his father paid support. Beyond that, there wasn't much of a closeness left, certainly nothing like with his mother. This co worker told me that he loves his dad, always will. But, now that he's an adult, he acknowledges the big difference between his feelings for his mother and his father. He told me that if his mother ever needs anything, he will drop whatever he's doing to get to her as fast as he can. She stayed to love him and raise him every single day. If his father ever calls on him for help, he will have to check his calendar and see if he's available.

I didn't leave and, as hard as being a single parent is and as hard as its gonna get as they get older, I won't leave and they know that. My exWH didn't have to go. That was all his choice and for that, he will pay in the form of his children's love.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2847 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel sorry for his kids, but not for him.

He was a lousy, disconnected dad before I met him, though when we were dating he was busy putting on an impressive super dad display. Once we married he partially checked out, but I picked up the slack for him without really realizing what was happening. Now that we are divorced, he's back to being useless and mostly unavailable to his five kids. Even his OEW (the kids mom) told me, "The best dad he ever was was while he was with you."

The saddest thing of all is he's totally focused on OW's two kids, who are grown (19 and 22) but live with them full time. His own kids rarely visit and he couldn't care less. Obviously this is all about impressing OW and nothing more. None of it is real. I know his kids are really hurt by this; they feel replaced. I hope someday when they are older they can see it for what it is, and know that it was something wrong with HIM, not with them.

XWH always said he didn't want to turn out like his father. What a shame that he's too stupid/arrogant/blind/NPD to see that's exactly what has happened.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 932 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
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Member # 30522
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel bad for the children. I don't think it is healthy to spend too much time feeling bad for someone who chose to break up their family, and end a marriage without any effort to save it. Even if my XH was in MLC or had other issues, only he can resolve those issues within himself and be the person and parent he could be with ownership and hard work. Even if we have flashes of worry or concern for our Xs or STBXs, we have to work hard to focus on having greater concern for the children, and compassion for ourselves during such a life change. Otherwise, we are leaning on the codependency side. Been there. It can be overcome. And holding another accountable as a adult is a gift that they may or may not ever be able to open, but it is still the best gift to them and our selves.

Finally living the life I was meant to live.

Posts: 806 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel bad for him. our older two asked him to stop, they knew the OW and hated her, they told her to stay away. My older two told him their relationship was done if he didn't stop. So needless to say, they have zero to do with him. The little guy doesn't think he's superman anymore and has voiced his dislike for the gutter pig. so he cannot even take our youngest to his pigpen.

He did this to himself. He could of opted to not be with her let alone leaving our home to move in with her. He has chosen her over his kids. That is as low as it gets.

BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1327 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Chester isn't allowed near kids - ever again.

Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW

Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
Topic Posts: 26
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