I showed to my H and he said it was an old note, that he stashed it away and forgot about it. He said that she wrote it bc she wanted him to have something concrete about her feelings bc he deleted all their texts. I guess this note made him feel amazing--I mean, he's a sex god right?
I've got a lot of different feelings about this note. One is anger, of course. Anger at him keeping what is basically her argument for why she would be a better mate for him than the ungrateful bitch he's married to. Another feeling is that my H is so pathetic. Seriously, she cares that he started a business? Puhleaze, she wants his $, even tho I think she'd be unpleasantly surprised by his bank account. And he's a sex god? Really? OK...if you say so. I've been sleeping with this man for 20 years. Maybe I never brought out the sex god in him bc I'm just not hot enough. It's so transparent and sad that he fell for this. She hit every weakness of his and he ate it up like a pig at a trough. I'd say I was impressed by her manipulation, but it was so ridiculously transparent and adolescent that I'm embarrassed for my H.
I've also considered the possibility that this is a new note given to him after NC. H denies this over and over, but how am I to really know? He argues that he knows I go through his stuff and why would he stash it there? If he remembered it he would have thrown it out.
Feeling revolted, angry, suspicious, and grossed out. Can't we just get to a place where there are no more traumas inflicted? I'm so sick to death of this crap.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
You know, true love never needs to create some over the top sexual super hero identity to justify the relationship. Real love is enough.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
In some weird way this note takes a little of the sting out things. I mean how ridiculous and pathetic are they? She threw herself at him in the most juvenile way. What a loser.
He is trying to be a model fws. Pushing me to read and spend time together. Pushing for more therapy, but I just can't accept that he is not going to hurt me again. I'm exhausted looking over my shoulder all the time. I'm feeling so doubtful about ever getting to a point where I can take what he says as true.
Really!? It is one thing to show your appreciation. It is a completely different story to treat an adult man like my toddler children.
Duh, of course we appreciate them. We ARE married to them. We chose them to spend the rest of our life with out of the millions of other men out there. We (wives) may know that we don't always show it...but really???did our wayward spouses always show that same shit to us?
So easy to spout parental encouragement when they don't have to cook, clean, make apps, pay bills, take care of kids, fit in date nights, love our spouse, make love, and all the other stuff we do for them (that they didn't notice, just because we asked them to bring home milk) while ignoring ourselves at the same time.
We do all the hard work, so the chics can reap the good stuff.
I agree, I would be disgusted and I wouldn't be surprised that he lost some of my respect.
I know men arent as detail oriented about relationship things, but I just really TIRE of all the "i dont remember", "i forgot" carp. Cmon, all of a sudden we are to believe they are dunces??
The dig against you makes this note just so much harsher.
This would be a davastating thing to find. If he is serious about R he needs to be damn sure you arent traumatized again by anything else he "forgot".
This would really set me back. The fact he saved it, the doubts its raised, the heinous content...
So sorry hon. I hope he's being honest but YOU know him best - is he scatterbrained, likely to overlook somethinh like this? If so, use it as a tool, like PP suggested, to discuss female manipulation, triggers, and mostly the immense pain this caused
I'd give that note right back to my H and say:
Great husbands don't cheat on their wives. Terrific fathers do not tear up their kid's security and throw it all away for a cheap thrill. Behind ever successful business man is a woman supporting him in his endeavours by picking up the slack at home. And to sleep next to a sex god every night and not appreciate him shows he's not actually 'all that' in bed because if he was there'd be no sleeping involved!
Let's face it. His status and his sexual prowess would be important assets for a lot of men (if I'm wrong here then please chime in wise SI males) so she's just trying to punch every emotional button she can think of by bigging up his abilities as a husband, father, business man and sexual partner!
Did she get that straight from the playground? Is he that cheap that he would be so easily sucked into LaLa land by such drivel?
The answer is yes! During the fog WS's are broken and are seeking ANY validation that proves their worth.
Is it possible he forgot that note was there? If it was in a pile of papers it is possible he might have missed it if he was searching for it to get rid of it. It depends where you found it of course.
You have to remind yourself that all those words the OW wrote were, at that time, lies written from a woman involved in a relationship based on lies so are worth jack! If your H wants to make them true words right now he has to become an honourable husband, a decent father to his children, an honest business man and a man that is willing to learn how to make you go weak at the knees year after year after year!
Yes, Mrs. Doubtfire, she hit every point that mattered to my H and to most men. This is a person who pretended to be my friend, brought herself and kids over to my house, so she could keep tabs, learn details, and then divide and conquer. An all around nasty individual, a snake in the grass.
You're right, norabird, R is so hard. One minute I feel like we can actually do this, that we can have a happy M. The next I want to burn it all down, take a baseball bat to OW's car, drink a bottle of vodka, and call a D lawyer.
Just another day on the rollercoaster I guess.
I'm also not saying a WS deserves to feel good right now, but I think if you choose to reconcile you need to think of what the WS was getting from the affair. Do you tell your husband the types of things like what's on the note?
Also about the sex God part. My husband (not the one who brought me here) has an ex wife that was not interested in sex with him. There was no infidelity. However I think she is nuts because he is hands down the best sex ever. Not saying she brought out the sex God in him and you don't, but just because you don't think he's all that, doesn't mean to someone else he is not.
I know being angry with WS is common. I couldn't get feel the same for my WS so I divorced, but I would be leery of staying and having all negative thoughts about my spouse. Good luck.