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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

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User Topic: Opposite of HB
LolaJean
♀ New Member
Member # 42669
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard a lot about hysterical bonding after D days but not a lot about the opposite. Now that the dust is settling and we are really working on things together, I can't help but get triggers and well, just not feel good enough for him sexually. If I was enough, why was he going elsewhere? Sometimes I cringe when he touches me, thinking what he's or who he's really thinking about. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about the APs and what was so great about these whores and what's wrong with me. I think about all the emails, texts, social media messages to these whores, the pictures and videos I found. We had a great sex life, or what I thought was great, before, how do we get that back or can we ever? Is it a confidence thing with me, is it something he can do? Has anyone else felt this way and had this issue, and what did you do to help?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southern California
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH focused on explaining how he felt when having sex with OW vs with me. In our case my fWH found he didn't enjoy sex with OW because there was no emotional connection and it was mechanical. OW was just a body and could have been anybody. He said it wasn't comfortable and was awkward.

We had HB at first but when working through things but then we took a break due to my triggers. I've been watching and seeing that he is motivated to have sex due to our emotional connection. I can see what we have is really different and what we have is nothing like what sex was like with OW. This took time for me to comprehend.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:10 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say that I absolutely struggled with, and still struggle with, the comparison factor. For my H it was porn and I doubt he was looking at girls/women who looked like me. Every part of me now seems inadequate to the nth degree. He says otherwise, of course but already struggling with an aging body, one that's had two kids and breastfed them both, thinking of what he's seen, the many many perfect bodies he's viewed is, and has been, excruciatingly painful. I hope to one day feel comfortable in my own skin but I'm probably looking at a long way off. I hear you. (((Lolajean)))

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 9:09 PM, March 15th (Saturday)]


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went from a very frequent sex life during his brief PA to 2-3 months of Hb to less than once a week.

I feel like he is rejecting me an he feels guilty about the sex.
I just can't believe this is where we are now. I do trigger during sex wondering if he moaned or called out her name during it. I don't know what he thinks about.

Just another part of my life destroyed. Sometime I wonder if we should divorce because I don't know if we will ever get any where close to the attraction we had in the bedroom before. I can't even fake it anymore because I think f@ck him- he doesn't deserve that.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk about it with him when it happens. In the early days we had to stop in the middle of things to work through those exact thoughts. Do not hold them back, that is part of the piece that he destroyed and he should have to work to put it back together.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 532 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 5

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