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User Topic: Didn't want my best?
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might be a random post.

I told my H recently that I'm surprised he likes me, because there was a time I was giving him my best and it wasn't enough, but now I'm depressed and sulky all the time and he seems to see something in me anyway. He agreed that he likes me how I am but didn't make any comments on it after.

In the silence, I'm left wondering if my "best" was stuff he didn't like. Offering physical intimacy. Cooking for him and trying to make good food. Being warm and open and high energy. Being a good listener.

Now I'm feeling withdrawn and sad, not cooking as much anymore if at all, often don't listen when he's talking and don't answer as much either (walking on eggshells when I do answer), and have stopped initiating sexual intimacy. I just can't, not when it wasn't enough before, not when he was rejecting what I was offering in favor of the OWs. But he seems …happier?

Does that mean my "best" was the exact opposite of what he wanted? WTF I am so confused. He prefers me silent, non-sexual, depressed, and not a great housekeeper? But then, I need to think more about what/who I want to be, and right now that's difficult. I'd be happy to not hurt anymore.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same way.

I often ask myself if I gave too much, tried to be too pleasing and didn't value myself enough in the past. I guess when you don't value yourself enough, your partner doesn't either.

I don't know this, of course.

I'm now more "selfish," have a lot less to give and WW seems more attracted to me. Weird.

She explained it this way. She said that seeing me try to stay with her after what she did showed her how much I love her and she values that.

It feels really, really backwards.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he needs to okay the "hero" in someone's life.... Or the comforting role,maybe it validates something in him that he is needed by you, to fill a role


Or mYbe he just realised he was being an arse


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the Same way although instead of feeling that he didn't want my best, I feel like my best wasn't good enough then when I was really on my game, why am I so wonderful now that I'm sad, depressed out of my mind, crying disaster who can't keep up with the house, can barely feel anything other than sorrow a lot of the time, ruins every freaking weekend with a triggering break down of some kind...why am I wonderful now?
I'm the same person except a LOT worse. I have never felt so empty and alone as I do now. Never through all the OW and all the horrible offenses that went with them. Now, I am just broken. He told me he needed another wife because I couldn't keep up with things then... (I have fibromyalgia and CFS which means very low energy unless I'm manic for whatever reason)
I had worked very hard at turning myself around and was only having a little problem that was more symbolic Than an actual problem. He also kept asking me if I could keep up with him if he chose to be only with me and not have two wives:/
Now? I am falling way behind. I really can't keep up. I'm a wasteland.
My best wasn't good enough. My now is far worse but he says how much he loves me and how wonderful I am etc...I don't even know why he's with me anymore.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 237 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally been feeling this the past week. He threw me away when I was young, thinner, prettier, and giving my all in this marriage. It wasn't enough. Makes me not even want to try anymore. Heck, I haven't been trying at all. I'm grouchy, sad and just a witch sometimes. and I don't care.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Christy516
♀ Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had this quedtion as well. Why would he want this broken mess when he didn' t want me when i was trying so hard? Could it have sonething to do with where WH is in his own head? He says he sees a better future for us, one where we are both happy and giving to the other. He feels tremendous guilt and wants to help me through these painful feelings. That was his answer anyway.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2014
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question!

One of the things wh did was to berate me for most everything. Now that chickie is out of the picture, he has started questioning why I don't do certain things. DUH!

I used to be low-maintenance (still am mostly).

I used to verbalize appreciation. Those days are long gone as he told me he didn't think I was sincere.... come to find out he just felt tremendous guilt!

I used to check in with him on my plans, his plans, etc.... Now I just announce my plans.

He's getting left-overs now along with a hefty dose of "don't look at me cross-eyed or I'll hefty bag your belongings". He's wisely keeping his mouth closed and still trying to work us out.

I'm sounding pretty bitter these days which sucks because I see him trying. Maybe I am a revengeful witch? I'm shooting for strong and confident - I just don't know if strong and confident can include him in my life.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 426 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the silence, I'm left wondering if my "best" was stuff he didn't like. Offering physical intimacy. Cooking for him and trying to make good food. Being warm and open and high energy. Being a good listener.

He's one fucked-up puppy.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting topic.

I feel like my ex's A happened when I was at my best in our relationship.

I honestly believe he felt I was far superior than him and he resented that. It is one of the few reasons I can think of why she was more appealing than me - she barely graduated high school, worked shitty, minimum wage jobs, had no money, mooched off family, could barely spell in her texts and every other word was the "f" word (small vocabulary)... It goes on and on. She was very different than me in all ways.

I think my ex had self esteem issues. Actually I know he did as I had seen them manifest itself in many ways prior. I think he felt inferior to me and my accomplishments and liked being around her because he felt superior to her.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Feb 2010
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He prefers me silent, non-sexual, depressed, and not a great housekeeper?
Could it be that he prefers distance over intimacy?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24372 | Registered: Aug 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like I was at my best then, but even more now because I have taken back my control. My fWH says he wants his old wife back. I don't even know who that is anymore. Oh well new wife is here to stay!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH says he wants his old wife back. I don't even know who that is anymore. Oh well new wife is here to stay!

Mine grins and says "I got my wife back". No he didn't. The person that he married is long gone and she is NOT coning back.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 372 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..interesting topic..

..what occurred to me when I read your post was the well known concept of women who go after the BAD BOY type of man who treats women like crap and seem to not give a shit about the woman's feelings ..and conversely, the men who chase after the bitchy, selfish, full of themselves, high maintinance women.

..it goes against common sense I know, but being too nice, too giving, too available, backfires..

..being too easy makes them lose respect for us.. they don't have to make any effort and we still bend over backwards to please them.

..I was working my first job and buying my gf red fox fur coats and gold rings and bracelets... while she was off servicing my bff at the same time!

..I should have treated her like shit and maybe we wouldn't be in this mess now.

..bfOM riled her, pissed her off, put her down all the time... and she ate it up, all while I was giving her everything.. how stupid do I feel???

..doesn't pay to be Mr. Nice Guy... took me 40 years to learn it!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:59 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear so many folks have had the same experiences.

Could it be that he prefers distance over intimacy?

This is probably it exactly, NIK. And it makes me really sad to imagine all the things he went through in his life to get him to that point.

I told him last night that he seemed so happy with the OWs and the thing I kept wanting to know was what I was lacking and what I could do to make him just as happy. He claimed that he wasn't happy with anyone. I think that's half-true: deep down he wasn't happy in life, but in the moment of the interactions, I know he was having a ball with them. But then, distance… Maybe he finds it easier to flirt and mess with people who he doesn't have a deep connection to, because then he can walk away whenever he wants. So he separates the people who he can have carefree sexually-charged interactions with from the "woman he makes a home with". I've heard the stereotypes around it before, I had just wanted to know how we could enjoy both together. I don't think he will ever willingly take down the walls on that.

He views our sex life as precious because we had a baby together. Yet when I ask him what he likes about "just us", he gets angry and offended and says I'm discounting our son and that there's nothing higher. I get it… I accept that to him there's nothing greater than having a kid with someone, and that he did it with me is proof to him that I'm special or "his best". And he's deeply hurt that I want more. Maybe I want too much.

It bothers me that he could see other women as sexual people and he could enjoy them (and their interactions) fully for themselves, but not me. For him with me, sexuality = motherhood, not sexuality in itself. And for him that's an honor. He told me to let go of expectations and dreams I want that he can never fulfill and to stop trying to change who he is. He's absolutely right. I'm glad he called me on it, because it wasn't fair to him that I was trying to make him into a different person. I wasn't trying to shame him; I just wanted what he'd given the other women, and I was selfish to want that. It's not something he can ever give me.

Unfortunately, that also means there's a part of myself I can never give him, because he will never try to receive it. So I'll keep it to myself, and I think we've both finally agreed it's time we stop talking about it.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:55 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((silverhopes))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24372 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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