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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: First Court Appearance tomorrow (CA) what to expect?
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my first Court Appearance tomorrow early. We got custody agreement signed thanks to the child custody mediator and we are close (I think) to an agreement on some other money stuff (nothing on separation of assets yet, just cash flow and supports) but STBXWW is being too demanding.

What can I expect from tomorrow? I've never been to court.

Wish me luck!


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck GP! Sending Mojo and prayers


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck for tomorrow GP.

I think it was aas' thread that had some excellent court advice.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I'm not divorced, I do every now and then offer support to fellow SI'ers here in this forum. I followed you, albeit silently from beginning and I am glad you've take the course of focus on your children's happiness.I think Merlin is right. Let your father's voice be heard. Let your children be heard through you and calmly stating the facts in the most brutally honest way possible will get the point across to the judge. If we're all judged based on facts alone, it will be a fair world. But it's not.

First impressions counts:

1. Look and feel like a father, dress conservatively, like a valued citizen but not a righteous moral ass. No ketchup stains, clean middle class clothing, and clean shaven face goes a long way. Shows you know how to take care of yourself and that you won't be sending your kids to school like they came from a garbage. 

2. Keep a soft smile to your face, show concern and sadness about what happened to you (her betrayal) but not overt anger (that turns people off). This means your a collected, healthy person, very personable. 

3. Your body language, NEVER cross your arms or your legs. Keep shoulder's back, back straight, look at people in the eyes. Means your open, your approachable, likeable. 

4. Your heart may be pounding like there's no tomorrow and her lawyer will try to milk that and make you panic and say something you WILL regret. LISTEN to the questions carefully and ask it to be rephrased if you have to. Then answer in the most brutally honest way possible WITHOUT using foul language. Shows you're educated and reasonable and you won't let people run over you. 

5. Actively listen to the judge if he's talking to you directly by repeating/rephrasing what he says. For example, "from what I understand you want me to do..." 

6. Emotions can get in the way or help you. It can help you when you SHOW emotions like: happiness every time you talk about your kids let your eyes turn bright and your lips smile; Sadness when you talk about being betrayed. It can hurt you if you use "bad language" such as "you did this" "you did that", it shows how bitter you are and maybe doing this for revenge instead of for your kids. Emotions can hurt you if you allow it to speak for you things you know you will regret like calling her a "bitch" in court or being too defensive about NOTHING or being nitpicky.

 7. DO NOT look defeated even if you feel like it. That would show a depressed parent who is not a healthy parent for kids to be around. We ALL feel defeated at times because of the situation we're in but that does not make us unhealthy parents. Show that you're moving past the craziness but no way will you let your kids get hurt.

Excellent advice from Simple provided to aas.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Law tries to reduce human existence to what amounts to engineering principles. It is about law, evidence and (especially in 'family court') precedents. It is a rule bound process.

Law is an adversary process where professional advocates try to extract the greatest benefit of their client, often at the expense of their adversary.

Don't go in thinking its about right or fair. It's about the law - which is why you need a lawyer. They will be speaking words you understand but in a context that is very dry.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a lawyer, and I am here a full hour early. :) I really didn't want to be late and traffic can be horrible in my area. I also can't sleep anyway.

I shaved, too (had been growing a beard and now it's gone). Oh well, I can try growing it again after the legal proceedings. And it was itchy anyway.

Definitely thinking completely about the kids. But WW plays victim and is very abusive financially, under the "I have to be protected" mantra (which is how she ended up with 2 houses in a trust while I never put anything separate and am living paycheck to paycheck, which she now wants half of). My L is being very businesslike, but is clearly disgusted by her behavior. I'm still hoping we get to an agreement at the 11th hour.

In a good mood but nervous. I can't wait for it to finish. Just tell me how much a month and let me work and take care of my kidlets. I'll rebuild in time.

I can't believe I'm here. But I'm ready.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck bro!! Sending lots of strength and mojo!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength and court mojo, GP!


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25343 | Registered: Aug 2011
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck today!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much mojo today!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The wonderful thing about BPDs and NPDs - they're deathly afraid of authority, and exposure.

Agreed to temporary support for STBXWW. She claimed she can't work, we claimed she can - she claims she can't find a job, we are going to put her through a vocational eval.

Guideline support only (yes, temporary spousal too), very fair.

We had explained to them that our SN kid spends 50/50 time so the costs should be split 50/50 as well (they wanted me to cover 100%).

They also tried to say I hadn't given enough $ since separation. I collected my records and brought them in this morning. They actually owe me money if they do it retroactive to date of separation like they wanted (oops!), so they instead decided to not do it retroactive and figure that out later. Always keep detailed records! It pays off!

They then tried to sneak in a clause saying I had to pay all childcare costs. My L found it at the last minute and crossed it + corrected it with pen, we all initialed it. We submitted it like that.

I was happy, calm and collected, and WW was on edge and scared of her shadow. You could see it in her eyes.

If it had gone in front of the judge we would have been forced to explain her infidelity, her attempt at going into business with OM and taking my child to the forest to live without my knowledge and against my wishes, the violent past of OM and my concerns regarding my children, and WW's violent episode towards OM.

As much as it would have been satisfying in a "justice was done" kind of way, I'm way past the anger phase and I don't want to return to it (had a fun weekend, didn't want to sour the memory); I did not want to have to do that but I was in the right frame of mind to just bring it up flatly.

I doubt it would have made too much of a difference on the spousal support amount (it may have), but the conversations would have become part of the record. So we got as good of an outcome you can get in California without spending an arm and a leg for lawyer costs.

I hope asset separation is this easy. Then I'll be done and I can move over to NB (right now I just camp there every once in a while).


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone thank you for the support! I kept reading the thread throughout the day, and I was able to be very calm thanks to SI.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 728 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so happy for you GP! Thank you for the update!! I didn't get on in time to wish you luck but looks like you had all the luck you needed!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2196 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like a very productive day, GP. Well done, you!


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25343 | Registered: Aug 2011
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad things are sorting themselves out.

(((gotplayed)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3089 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so happy for you GP! Thank you for the update!! I didn't get on in time to wish you luck but looks like you had all the luck you needed!!

This!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 16

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