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Newest Member: Puddleoftears (44334)

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User Topic: 4 year old DS asking questions.
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DS has been asking why mummy and daddy don't live together. I've explained that daddy broke his promises to mummy and he seems fine with that.

Ex in the other hand is not happy with me telling DS this as he thinks that telling him this will damage him,

I am of the belief that he should be answered with age-appropriate, honest answers, to his questions.

Do you think this is wrong of me to say that to DS? I don't want to lie to my children about why their parents don't live together.

I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.

Thank you.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
jpumpkin
♀ Member
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your response was fine and that your ex just doesn't want to look bad. Although, I've never had to have this conversation, so others may be better qualified to give opinions.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that was a very age appropriate answer. It's the truth, without the burden of adult sized details.


Ex in the other hand is not happy with me telling DS this as he thinks that telling him this will damage him

He hasn't shown himself to be a very good judge of damage assessment/control. The damage was done by EX the minute he chose the path of deception. Lying won't change or fix that, no matter how much he wishes it were so.

I've seen others recommend that statement as an age appropriate answer.

Children want to know that they are going to be OK, and have a tendency to assume blame for things they don't understand. Children understand the idea of cause and effect. When they don't have answers to their questions they can misinterpret themselves as being the "cause".
I think your honest, respectful answer will help DS process what is happening to his family in a healthier way.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies.

I do think that telling DS the truth in away for him to understand will help him realise that it is not his fault. I did reassure him that both mummy and daddy love him and say this a lot to him.

As far as ex is concerned, it just shows his complete lack of remorse for the damage he has caused.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I'm feeling quite angry towards ex because he wants to whitewash what he had done. He has said he is going to write letters to out children for when they are older so that they can understand what he has done and why.

No doubt he will say that it was all my fault and that I pushed him away and caused him to have an A.

How dare he!

I am so tempted to email him and say that him distorting the truth is what will damage our children. But I know crickets is best.

What a piece of shit he is.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dindy... He is going to write letters to them for when they are older??? Let him... it won't do any good to explain yourself years later.... he should be owning up to his actions now!

But you probably cannot tell him that because his head is up his ass and he cannot hear what is best fir his kids! So don't bother trying.

I had to explain to my kids when they were 4 and 6 where dad went.... they took it fine because he was so busy working (not his fault at the time) that they spent most of their time with me anyway. I sort of remember a few questions but they were not huge questions that burned a major memory in any way.

Don't worry or care about the ex.....actions have consequences.... and here they are!


Posts: 1174 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a huge fan of honesty with kids. I also wouldn't consider it dishonest to say that it's a complicated situation that you're not comfortable explaining, though, while assuring them that both parents still love them and so on. That's different from, "it's fine" or some other misdirection - you're directly saying, "I'm not willing to directly say it."

While I don't think 4 year-olds are beacons of reasoning when they, say, take cookies off the counter, the thing that strikes me about this kind of explanation is - how will they reconcile *exile* with what they know of transgressions and forgiveness? It doesn't seem like a far leap from me for them to wonder how bad they'd have to be in order to get shipped out of a parent's life.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! What a great explanation!


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 8

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