We are nearly 3 years out from Dday, and only recently has WH agreed to try to work through. He doesn't WANT to think about what happened at all, and is the type of person that can just switch a problem off as to not deal with it. He has selective amnesia after an argument about ANYTHING, and this is why the 180 will not be effective. He would be overjoyed if I stopped bringing it up, and if I followed the 180 exactly, he would just use my actions as a way to move on and never have to speak of it again. HE COULD LIVE LIKE THAT! It wouldn't affect him...
He needs to be doing everything in his power to help YOU get over his A.
Do you know what made him wait 3 years to try to R? Was the A taken underground?
What have you done in the last 3 years to help yourself get stronger?
All I can say from a personal viewpoint is that when my FWH begged for R I knew the only way I would agree is if he agreed to do what I needed him to do (IC/MC etc) in order that I could feel safe with him once more.
Also, I knew I never wanted to be in a situation where the possibility of another A was on the table so, if he'd have wanted to not talk about it, I'd have walked.
There is really nothing you can do to affect how he handles this/what he is capable of. If he doesn't want to do the work, can you live with that? At some point, you have to decide if you are comfortable being the one trying to make this work, or if you want to stop trying and leave. That's how the 180 is helpful--for you to get distance on what is/isn't acceptable to you.
If you're ok with his attitude, problem solved.
If you're not, implement 180 and if he runs, it's because he feels you're not important enough to work on it.
Your only question is, "What can I live with?".
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind
That just struck home with me.
Best quote ever...
The only thing I can say, is that cheaters have downgraded the value of the person they cheat on. But if we all take a step back, we can say "no" to the downgrade that was
If he's willing to work through it, then he needs to work through it. He doesn't get to say how that goes.
Also you should give him your list of minimum requirements. Ie-therapy for him, a timeline of his affairs, full transparency, etc.
Doesn't matter that it's 3 years out. If you want to start the healing then it needs to be done the right way. He doesn't get any sort of "pass" on anything because he pretended it wasn't an issue for this long. If anything that shows how he can't be trusted to deal with this his way.
Read through some threads. Learn about minimum requirements and tell him they are what you require to heal. Then watch what he does-not what he says. Actions matter more than words.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 5:20 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.