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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How many red flags does a person need?
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So a friend of mine signs up for OKCupid. She's telling me about this guy she has been talking to, and is planning to go on a date with. He's wonderful. He's perfect. He's too good to be true!

I tell her to give me his name, and I'll do some investigating. I am REALLY good at it, and I've often considered becoming a PI

So, I find that in 2011 he was charged with burglary, assault, and strangulation. Here is what the report said:

XXXX CITY POLICE

(OKC guy), 39, of (city) was charged with second-degree burglary, second-degree strangulation, two counts of third-degree assault and fourth-degree criminal mischief Tuesday at 3:30 a.m. Officers were called to (address) for a reported fight. When they arrived they found two injured men who said they were assaulted by (OKC guy) after he allegedly kicked down a door to an apartment. One of the men also said (OKC guy) allegedly strangled him until he lost consciousness. Officers found (OKC guy) a short time later and took him into custody. He was taken to the city jail.

Pardon me???

And then, as if that wasn't enough, he was charged with domestic violence assault in 2004, but those charges were dismissed.

I don't give a shit if the DV assault was dismissed or not, that's a big enough red flag on it's own, let alone breaking in to someone's apartment and strangling them to unconsciousness??

She still went out with him anyway. I was like "you're going out with him???" She replies "It's just bowling." Really.

What does it take? How many red flags does one woman need?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ten years later, when asked if she ever had a clue that he could be violent, she'll respond, "No! It seems like overnight he just changed!"


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is desperation talking. I google the heck out of each guy I agreed to go on a date with.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4144 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She went out with him?

What?!

Will you do all investigating of every OLDate any of us go on?


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is low self esteem. It's like telling yourself I am not worth the most basic protection from low lifes. So sad.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5825 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that you probably saved me from what would have only been a minor embarrassment-- and that's only if I had bothered pursuing anything-- definitely taught me that knowledge is power.

sparkysable, you are hired as my dating PI if I actually find a straight guy that I'm interested in and that is interested in me!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3606 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please PM me and tell me what websites or services you use to find this info out!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please PM me and tell me what websites or services you use to find this info out!

Me too please!! Or, if you wouldn't mind getting a PM with a name once I start dating someone new


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does it take? How many red flags does one woman need?

It too ignored the red flags about his previous relationships. Infidelity in all of them.

But I was special, don'tcha know.

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

You can lead a horse to water....


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep - she got all caught up and is choosing to ignore the facts.

Like you - I internet research the heck outta any OLD. Most ppl are legit but there are lots of crazies out there. I instantly blocked the guy who showed up on the $exual predator list and the guy who did a hit and run on an Amish horse and buggy

Ohhhh...then there was the guy presenting himself as divorced who was really dual-registered on a site looking for a threesome with him and his wife.

Love the internet!!!!

Be safe out there!!!!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2100 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many benefits to being single and not dating. :)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 831 | Registered: Nov 2012
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have a subscription to a service, but really, I have found the majority of stuff just by google-ing!

Ladies! For crying out loud, do some research, for your own safety!

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. People are capable of change, but for the most part, people are who they are. Don't make excuses.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE
So she tells me that the date went really well, and they are going to go out again, but she's definitely going to be on guard.

My response: "You know that someone breaking down a door and choking someone to unconsciousness is a pretty bad sign, correct? And that abusive behaivor doesn't come out until much later, right?"

Her response: "Yes, which is why I'll proceed with caution."

Proceed with caution? Did she not read the police report that I found? Of course he's going to be on good behavior in the beginning, to get his victim hooked!

It's so frustrating, to see your friend making a giant mistake, and going through with it anyway. And there's nothing you can do but watch the mess from the sidelines.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:54 PM, March 21st (Friday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK; I get what you're saying about being cautious and doing your research. However, these were arrests not convictions. There is a big difference.

I know of several members on this site who were arrested for domestic violence by vengeful exes or stbx. I also know of friends who were arrested for assault, and the incidents turned out to be self-defense. I myself was recently charged with an offense that was an isolated incident, but I'll be branded with it for the rest of my life.

I will grant you that two charges for the same person are a lot to overcome, and since this is a stranger, your friend, since she has chosen to proceed, should proceed with extreme caution, but shouldn't anyone dating someone they don't know from Adam?

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 11:26 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20173 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, these were arrests not convictions. There is a big difference.

I agree- to a point.
Arrests can show behaviors (or, when combined with other habits) potential behavioral patterns that are undesireable in a mate. Whether he was convicted or not, do you want a mate that could potentially blow up your finances due to legal fees? Do you want a mate with potential anger issues?

Being arrested once could be a "wrong place, wrong time" thing, but two or more times? I don't think so...
Dating (if you're looking for a mate) is supposed to be a tool to weed out the bad eggs. This egg already smells rotten.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:41 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's actually a little odd. "Strangulation" is not a crime in my state, but we'll call it felonious assault and a third degree felony. First degree if we call it attempted murder. Burglary can go all the way up to first degree felony too. So, given that he racked up some pretty serious charges, and given that ham sandwiches can, in fact, be indicted, what the heck happened? Those are not dismissed lightly, and an offense that serious isn't going to vanish because the victim doesn't want to "press charges". And a disposition (trial outcome or plea) is much easier to find than a police report.

While it isn't worth worrying about for the sake of a date on OLD, there's more to that than meets the eye.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two different charges, two different times, two different sets of people (assuming the domestic charge wasn't against those dudes he tried to strangle). One time, maybe, just maybe, I'd be cautious, twice, run far away.

I have kids, I don't want this drama in my life. I don't care if it was trumped up charges, someone in his life (if it isn't him) is batshit crazy and I don't want that near my life let alone my kids.

There are a shitload of people out there without one violent charge filed against them let alone two. Is dating that bad where you live?


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's this psychological concept that we all do to one degree or another. It has a lot of different nicknames
- Never gonna happen to me
- Blame the victim

Are two of them.

What it is, is a self defense mechanism.
It tries to add control where there is none.
It assigns blame to other people when something bad happens to them, and cause / removes blame when something bad happens to us.

SHE slipped because she's careless.
***I*** slipped because there was black ice.

It doesn't matter how often people HEAR that abusive jerks can actually (are are usually) charming people. Because they're manipulative.

Nope.

We meet them.
We like them.
So CLEARLY this is a nice guy.
It won't happen to me.
It was her own fault / a good reason why he did XYZ.

Really... You just can't stop people from thinking that they are special, and different, and the bad thing won't happen to them.

Chesh


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 2011 charge occurred near our hometown. The 2004 DV charges occurred out of state.

One of either one of these, I could see *maybe* (though I'm one to see a red flag and throw in the towel) it was a misunderstanding or a heat of the moment occurrence, a trumped up charge, etc.

But 2 different occurrences of an apparently violent behavior? Not a chance.

This friend of mine has a 5 year old daughter that she should be concerned about also.

If *I* ever bring someone around my daughter, they sure as hell better not have giant screaming violent red flags.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
trying_2_recover
♀ Member
Member # 28778
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of agree with Sad, were these just arrests or convictions? Also I have a nephew who has now got a DV arrest on his record, he did not hit his girlfriend and in fact they are still together but they got into a fight and he hit her car with his fist and dented it so she called the police. They both agree this is what happened. However my nephew has no respect for police so mouthed off to and yelled at the cops making the whole thing worse. That said he does have a whole ton of red flags about him IMO but the one he was actually arrested for is not one of them.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
Topic Posts: 20

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