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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Info from the OM
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After an intense campaign on my part to expose the OM, he called me about a week ago and apologized profusely and told me that he would share his side of the story. He is the son of one of my father-in-laws old army buddies and met my wife in 2012 at a veteran reunion where they each attended with their fathers. He then befriended my W on FB and pursued her via texts and FB. Fortunately, he lives 2000 miles away but it turned into an EA last winter and a weekend PA while they attended the reunion again in April 2013.

Anyways, I wanted to get my hands on him but obviously couldn't and so I exposed him to all his family via FB. The A was last April and he finally called just last week which was something I never imagined he would do. A sincere apology was all I really wanted from him but he mentioned that he knew I must have many questions for him and asked me while on the phone if I wanted to ask then. I told him on the phone that I did not need any details from him and had no questions. He apologized over and over and told me there was nothing that he could ever do to make up to me what he had done. My FWW has been a model wayward (if there is such a thing) and actually came to me and admitted what had happened and has been very remorseful, shameful, sorry, etc and has answered all my questions. I am fairly certain she has been completely honest with all of her answers. But now, I am thinking that I would like to hear his side of the story. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to approach him and allow him to tell me his side of the story? I would most likely do it via email. Is this a good idea? We have made very good progress thus far in R.


Posts: 164 | Registered: Oct 2013
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are in a good place. And really, can you really trust what the OM's motives are?

For example, suppose he is really in love with your wife and wants her back? Would his side of the story be truthful? Maybe his life is destroyed after you outed him and he wants to stir the pot and mess up yours.

I don't think I would do it especially since you say your wife is the model WW. I wouldn't give him any power to affect your relationship and your R. He's done enough damage.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who cares what his side of the story is? I mean..really? He knowingly had an EA/PA woth a married woman.

He called. He apologized. That was for *him*, IMO, not you. He did it to relieve himself of the guilt..or whatever. The best thing he could have done..and what he should have done..was stay far away from your wife, and your family.

You say your WW has been great. Hold on to that. Let OM and his need to purge himself go.

No good will come of it. He will give you his side..meaning HIS opinion..HIS perception. And, as I said, who cares? You shouldn't.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7147 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken, I do not think he ever was in love with my W. There has been no contact since early June and he didn't make contact then. I honestly do not think he has any motives other than remorse for making such a huge mistake. He told me that there is nothing he could ever do to repay me but he would answer any and all questions that I may have. My exposure campaign broke him down. There is nothing he could do to mess up my life as there are no options for him plus he is on the other side of the country.

I just thought it would be good for me to hear his side of the story to verify that there stories match so that I would know that I have the total truth.


Posts: 164 | Registered: Oct 2013
Alexisk17
♀ Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my opinion but I don't think any good could come from this. You say that FWW has been a model wayward so speaking with the OM will probably do more harm than good.
Just my opinion though, only you know what is best for your healing.


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree-no don't contact him. He can't help you.

Hmm... seems like it's getting close to reunion time again. I'm not certain his motives are all on the up and up. I hope your wife is not going to the reunion this year. No way in hell. She lost that, consequence of her actions.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 760 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


There is nothing he could do to mess up my life

^^Except tell you things that aren't true or that are different than what she told you.

^^And this can cause a shitload of problems in your M and in your R. Who do you believe then? Maybe he wants you guys to be miserable too, to argue, to divorce? You just never know.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1415 | Registered: Jun 2012
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There will be no reunion this year for my WW and most likely she will never go again. Her mother passed away six years ago and my W had been going in her mother's place with my FIL. Such an honorable event forever tarnished by such dishonorable actions. I called the OM's father and exposed his son's actions just after D-day and he was ashamed, appalled, and extremely upset. He told me that he could never look my father-in-law in the eyes again because of what his son had done. My FIL was never told. I think the OM's father has so much shame that he will probably never attend the reunion again himself which is a shame. I told my W that if she ever attended again that I would go with her and I would make sure the OM would not be there beforehand. But now I do not think I will ever go unless they change the location. Staying in the same hotel would be a huge trigger for me.

It looks like the advice is unanimous that I should not contact him and I will not. But it is very tempting to hear what he has to say. Like many folks here, the A was extremely shocking to me as I didn't think my W was capable of doing something so horrific and causing so much pain. I just thought that having both sides of the story could help me understand exactly what happened.


Posts: 164 | Registered: Oct 2013
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good call on following the advice given gman.

I just thought that having both sides of the story could help me understand exactly what happened.

At this point in your recovery... do the fine details even matter any more?

Don't waste anymore time and energy into the past. Focus on the here and now and put that effort back into yourself, your wife and your relationship.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 360 | Registered: Dec 2013
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spond,
I had so much anger and rage inside of me aimed towards the OM that I was finally able to deal with after he called me and apologized. I told our MC that I feel like there are three entities within our marriage that need to heal. One being our marriage itself which has and continues to heal very well. The other being my FWW and her personal healing and dealing with the parts of her that was broken and her shame, guilt, etc. She too has healed very well. The third part of the equation is me and my healing which has lagged far behind the other two which I think would be pretty normal. But I feel like I cleared a huge hurdle now that I do not have such intense negative feelings for the OM. Maybe, in my mind, I want to gather up all the last facts for myself and possibly be able to move forward with another step.

I know that each of these steps are forward and it really feels good to make progress. I have not done like many people have in asking tons and tons of questions. I have asked several but new ones still pop into my head from time to time.


Posts: 164 | Registered: Oct 2013
AlwaysOnEdge
♂ New Member
Member # 42821
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont know if this helps but about a month after DDay i went to see OM. The whiney little coward put the blame purely on my WW "she told me you were over", "she said she'd fancied me for two years"
The worst damage was that he denied having intercourse with WW even tho i'd told him i knew the details, he said that theyd just used their hands and did oral, deep down i have no idea wether they just had intercourse or had oral as well. It drives me insane every day.


DDay 2am 04 Dec 2013
BS (Me)45
WW 46
Together 19 1/2 Years
Married 9 1/2 Years
3 Children, 22, 14, 6
In R.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: England
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would never trust the OM to give you the truth under the best of circumstances. In any conversation between us, I did the talking and it was loud and ugly. I see no reason to change that now.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
IsthereEVERanend
♂ Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read'Twisted' by line about the chloroform. That's all the answer you need to your inquiry.
Leave it alone. Nothing good can come from the OM. A no brainer in my book.


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the replies. I am not going to contact him. But I will share the story of my successful exposure campaign on another thread soon. I think it could be helpful for others in the future.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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